Why do people seem to fizzle out so easily nowadays?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2013 11:21 PM GMT
    Simple. You didn't hold their interest. Don't take it personal. Move on or try harder.
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    Feb 20, 2013 12:45 AM GMT
    Particularly in the gay world, this is not a new thing, as our community is built on lying and manipulation. We have always been an anonymous people whose mantra is 'act as if we never met and don't dare acknowledge me in public'. So right out of the gate our issue is that we don't like other gay men, and we absolutely do not trust them. Awful foundation to build a healthy relationship on when we have very few (if any) healthy stories about how a relationship works between two men.

    As much as people say that our lives/relationships are no different than straight people, they have more than 90% of society to pick from. We get a very small speck of the population, and within that speck, you have to figure who is out, who is compatible, who lives nearby, who is ready for something, etc - sexually the huge issue is that most of us are not compatible, as almost everyone is a bottom, and hate to say it, that is one of the biggest relationship killers out there. If you put two guys together and neither one is wired to be 'on top', it just isn't going to happen. That's another thing straight people get to enjoy: men and women inherently know who does what. We don't.

    I think we fizzle out because we don't care about each other, and thanks to the internet, it's clear that we are disposable in the eyes of each other, and since we have such low regard for ourselves, we have an even lower regard for other gay men. We certainly don't care if gay teens/men commit suicide because 'what does that have to do with me?'. Most of us do not/will not have kids nor will we find a lifelong relationship, so we end up with a very narcissistic and self-imporant personality. Everything is centered on us personally, and when that's your personality and character, NOBODY is interested in being with someone like that. That's why anonymous sex is so easy for these guys.

    But Fuzzy, you bring up an interesting point. Since AOL really hit nationwide with gay chatrooms in 1995, it was advertised that 'the walls were down' and 'its never been easier to meet other gay men!'; now with iphone apps and everything else we don't even have to leave the house - yet very few of us are finding anything other than anonymous sex; those who are finding dates never get a phone call back afterwards. That's why I am skeptical about marriage (not for everyone - I know couples who have been together for years and will be great - but they are a very small number of people). If we can't even get past the idea of being seen with another man in public, or rejecting someone because he doesn't like the same music, or wears brown shoes, or doesn't have (whatever physical feature), then we will fail at marriage. Because our introduction to the gay world was so negative we have to find out - independent of the gay community - who we are as people and then figure out what makes a good partner - that's the only way we will ever find anyone. Otherwise gay marriage won't mean much for the majority of gay men who can never get past the six month mark, if they can find anyone at all.
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    Feb 23, 2013 2:17 AM GMT
    DuluthMinnesota saidnow with iphone apps and everything else we don't even have to leave the house - yet very few of us are finding anything other than anonymous sex; those who are finding dates never get a phone call back afterwards.


    I'm going to print your topic and hang it on my computer desk to read every morning.

    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidJust remember this; when you find yourself stuck in a perpetual phenomenon always remember that the common denominator in the equation is you. It would behoove you to look inwardly and figure out what you're doing to make all these guys respond to you in a similar fashion.


    Okay, well let me ask you this. Why are you still single? You're in your 40s, probably attractive to a good portion of the gay scene...and have lived in Chicago of all places. Obviously you've had a fair share of guys fizzle out on you or you fizzled out on them. Maybe you haven't realized it yet?

    This is what I'm trying to touch on. Believe me, I have done A TON of inner and outer work on myself. Sometimes the benefits don't always pay off right away I understand and it can take time.

    I'm not blaming everyone else and not looking at my ownself. I also know that some relationships fizzle out because it's mutual on both parts, and that not everyone is meant to go beyond 2 or 3 dates or even date 1. But when something seems to be going good, and the guy seems to enjoy your company all the way til they get in the car and drive off...you have to wonder, okay...why can't this turn into a relationship? What's holding this person back from making a commitment? When I ask people, it's always because 'they aren't ready for that'. 1 guy was bold enough to tell me he "wanted to have his cake and eat it too'.

    I think the reason is more often than not, people have so many options...so many disposable options at their finger-tips, they don't bother committing. Because IF IT WAS REALLY JUST ME, I ask the same question to all of them, as I ask you. Why are they still online looking? 6 months later, they are still single? 40 years old, still single. Why?

    Between myabe 2004-2008, those were some of the best times for dating for me. People didn't fizzle out so easily. It wasn't even adam4adam that really killed things, although it kind of started that way. I knew people who were faithful before they knew of adam4adam, and changed once they got on it. Then Grindr and Jack'd came out...these mother fuckers have a better guy to pick from everytime they open their phone.
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    Feb 23, 2013 2:41 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said

    Okay, well let me ask you this. Why are you still single? You're in your 40s, probably attractive to a good portion of the gay scene...and have lived in Chicago of all places. Obviously you've had a fair share of guys fizzle out on you or you fizzled out on them. Maybe you haven't realized it yet?

    This is what I'm trying to touch on. Believe me, I have done A TON of inner and outer work on myself. Sometimes the benefits don't always pay off right away I understand and it can take time.

    I'm not blaming everyone else and not looking at my ownself. I also know that some relationships fizzle out because it's mutual on both parts, and that not everyone is meant to go beyond 2 or 3 dates or even date 1. But when something seems to be going good, and the guy seems to enjoy your company all the way til they get in the car and drive off...you have to wonder, okay...why can't this turn into a relationship? What's holding this person back from making a commitment? When I ask people, it's always because 'they aren't ready for that'. 1 guy was bold enough to tell me he "wanted to have his cake and eat it too'.

    I think the reason is more often than not, people have so many options...so many disposable options at their finger-tips, they don't bother committing. Because IF IT WAS REALLY JUST ME, I ask the same question to all of them, as I ask you. Why are they still online looking? 6 months later, they are still single? 40 years old, still single. Why?


    Looking for an answer is going to drive you crazy, which is why I adviced up there to relax. But, I'll take a crack at elucidating this, because I'm on the same boat. Gay men are constantly fighting the urge to have sex with multiple partners. It doesn't matter how many men on these boards say to the contrary. We are not wired like women. We don't want to just settle down with one man. Thru decades in the past, when it was taboo to be gay, gay men survived by having sex with other gay or bi men and only occasionally falling in love. It's only in the past 100 years, with gay rights finally taking hold, that we're allowed to be in the open and have what straights have always enjoyed--one on one monogamous relationships.

    But, the urge is still there. We're creatures of lust; always looking for variety. There's always a better-looking man out there.. or one with a bigger cock.. or one that's just hotter in bed. Sometimes we want two or three men at the same time. Mainstream culture is now ingraining us with the mandate to settle down into one-on-one relationships. And if you're one of those men that dares to have an open relationship, you're seen as nothing more than a whore incapable of intimacy. (I see this debacle played out here every day).

    If we were to actually accept open relationships as the status quo of gay men, things would go much better for men like you and me trying to connect. But no man wants to give another man that they like to fuck sexual freedom, because 'oh, how dare you crave someone else?!'.. and thus the constant cycle of single, good gay men continues.

    I'm sure I'm gonna get blasted for posting this, but I don't care. I believe in open relationships.
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    Feb 23, 2013 2:49 AM GMT
    Maybe it's where you're meeting the guys?

    Hookups and Grindr are great but they are for instant gratification.. You get your kicks and then its over.

    Even if there are decent guys through both... at that point in their life they prob aren't looking for something serious.

    So you might have to start looking in more stable places and be willing to compromise on those expectations..
  • AllAmericanJo...

    Posts: 4271

    Feb 23, 2013 2:57 AM GMT
    PR_GMR said

    If we were to actually accept open relationships as the status quo of gay men, things would go much better for men like you and me trying to connect.


    I respectfully disagree. Most of the won't date someone long enough to become emotionally close enough to have any sort of relationship talk, let alone an open relationship talk.

    I'm sure there are plenty of guys who might be willing to have an open relationship, but when guys disappear or lose interest after two or three hookups/dates, how would they ever learn that about each other? Open relationships are not in and of themselves going to solve the intimacy, follow-through, and commitment issues in this community.
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    Feb 23, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    This is not meant to be wish-washy, but there are wisdom on both sides of the fence. You come across online as very abrasive and instantly telling others you are always correct and doing the right thing.

    I know of no one that perfect. I try and be a good person, but fail without knowing it. Only after a passing moment do I realize I just pissed someone off. Specifically I did something I criticize others for. Wasn't intentional, simply resulted from a spontaneous moment and how the moment unfolded.

    I find that when I defend myself from others I inadvertently climb on the unholy self-righteous hill where I think I do no wrong. Later I am quite embarrassed when I look at my whereabouts on my internal GPS.

    Not that they are innocent. Often times the stone throwers' can be huge jerks. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I'm right either.

    Just my 2 cents.
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    Feb 23, 2013 4:51 PM GMT
    If you wanna know why Gay Dates / Potential Relationships seem to "fizzle out", all you need to do is look to the society we're a part of..

    Gay Men have no structural format to look to as examples of how to approach and maintain our relationships with one another. Instead, we have nothing but narcissism, superficial pursuits and drive-thru sex. Add that to the already "troubled, and mentally damaged" minds of many gay men and you'll have what you are currently experiencing. While heterosexual couples sometimes experience these "dead ends" as well, they also have a solid structural format filled with plenty of role models to look to as examples. Something Gay Men seriously Lack!

    For those reasons, I don't bother telling some random guy all of my life story because I know we will only see each other maybe once or twice. Once our curiosities and desires are satisfied, we subconsciously move on without really knowing why....

    Having said that, I don't really think it's entirely our fault. We just need to realize what is happening, and stop being lazy about our need to change it....icon_neutral.gif
  • AllAmericanJo...

    Posts: 4271

    Feb 26, 2013 3:28 AM GMT
    DarkMatter said
    For those reasons, I don't bother telling some random guy all of my life story because I know we will only see each other maybe once or twice. Once our curiosities and desires are satisfied, we subconsciously move on without really knowing why....


    +1

    I don't understand why dudes push each other away like this...actually, it's not even pushing, it's just never letting anyone get close in the first place. Painfully shallow, not good.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1860

    Feb 26, 2013 4:49 AM GMT
    I understand what you are going through as I've been in the same situations. The best thing to do is just move on and forget them. It's not worth thinking about if the guy has his own hang ups. But yeah, showing more of your personality (interests, etc.) can probably help show what you are like.

    But in general, most guys are fickle. But there are those guys who aren't so fickle at the same time. You just have to keep your eyes peeled and never give up. I'm sure there is a guy out there waiting to meet you and will like you.

    Best of luck!
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1860

    Feb 26, 2013 5:05 AM GMT
    But if it's any consolation, I too go through it a lot. I've never had a relationship before and I can admit, sometimes I wonder if monogamy would be right for me. I wouldn't knnow since I haven't had the experience yet.

    However, I think it's not right in thinking that in order for a gay man to have a relationship, he needs to succumb to being opted to have an open relationship. I'm not saying open relationships are bad, they are good for the people comfortable with it. But it's unfair to say that you have to be open to sharing yourself and partner to other guys just to keep a relationship. I'm sure there are guys who can and do value monogamy, it's just hard to find those people.

    This is why I, along with other gay men wish I could be straight sometimes. It just seems more simpler and love seems more lifelong with our hetero counterparts. It sometimes feels like men were not made to have or feel anything deep with another man other than primal instincts (sex) so it leaves the "good single gay men" in doubting themselves.
    But then I see gay couples who have been together for years and are in love and it makes me hopeful for the future.
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    Mar 04, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    FuzzyPecs25 said

    Okay, well let me ask you this. Why are you still single? You're in your 40s, probably attractive to a good portion of the gay scene...and have lived in Chicago of all places. Obviously you've had a fair share of guys fizzle out on you or you fizzled out on them. Maybe you haven't realized it yet?

    This is what I'm trying to touch on. Believe me, I have done A TON of inner and outer work on myself. Sometimes the benefits don't always pay off right away I understand and it can take time.

    I'm not blaming everyone else and not looking at my ownself. I also know that some relationships fizzle out because it's mutual on both parts, and that not everyone is meant to go beyond 2 or 3 dates or even date 1. But when something seems to be going good, and the guy seems to enjoy your company all the way til they get in the car and drive off...you have to wonder, okay...why can't this turn into a relationship? What's holding this person back from making a commitment? When I ask people, it's always because 'they aren't ready for that'. 1 guy was bold enough to tell me he "wanted to have his cake and eat it too'.

    I think the reason is more often than not, people have so many options...so many disposable options at their finger-tips, they don't bother committing. Because IF IT WAS REALLY JUST ME, I ask the same question to all of them, as I ask you. Why are they still online looking? 6 months later, they are still single? 40 years old, still single. Why?

    Between myabe 2004-2008, those were some of the best times for dating for me. People didn't fizzle out so easily. It wasn't even adam4adam that really killed things, although it kind of started that way. I knew people who were faithful before they knew of adam4adam, and changed once they got on it. Then Grindr and Jack'd came out...these mother fuckers have a better guy to pick from everytime they open their phone.


    Okay, so now you are deflecting the focus away from yourself to asking me why "I'm" still single. This topic wasn't about me nor am I looking for the same things that you are. I am not actively looking to date and am focused on other areas of my life at this time. Just because I'm on this site (or even a hookup site, for that matter) doesn't mean I am looking for a boyfriend. In fact, I make it abundantly clear in my profile that I don't use realjock.com as a vehicle for dates or hookups. I may make leave a slutty comment on someone's hot photos but that's just my salacious unique way of paying someone a compliment. icon_lol.gif

    Granted, I don't disagree with the other points you have made, as well as others who have contributed here as well. Sex has become too easy to acquire and we are now a disposable society more than ever before. I see this on a social level as well as pursuing someone romantically. Got last year's iPhone? Well, shit you're outdated! Toss it out and get the latest, shiniest, new model! Sadly, this same approach seems to apply toward people and how they treat one another.

    Even with that being said, I think if you can't get a third date with someone then some pattern you're in simply needs to be addressed so you can make some alterations to your psyche, your approach toward dating, etc. Just think of the things that come easy to you and assess why it's easy and then start thinking why other areas of your life seem stuck or won't change. Maybe seek counseling or life coaching also.


    I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of honest communication. A lot of guys will prefer to be open at the beginning of a relationship, while for others it may take some time to let their guard down. In some cases, those saying that they are looking for a relationship are not even honest with themselves as far as knowing what they want.
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    Mar 04, 2013 11:44 PM GMT
    What do you guys do if you think you're interested in someone and they say "yeah we'll hang out again"?

    I see most fizzle out, even if I try a text the next day or a couple days later. Or even a phone call

    I'm kinda sick of being the one to make it happen??
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    Mar 05, 2013 12:50 AM GMT
    In a sex dominated and sexual driven gay dating/hook-up gay-community-world... you will have to work hard to find the elevated intelligent guy who isn't superficial, promiscuous, fickle and dishonest, and because those who are like this, their numbers being so high you will come across many of them while meeting guys, some even that try to define men as such. Its an infinite fizzle-life for most until they get a boyfriend or gain a decent friendship. So my advice is to look for the guy who values friendship, family, and looks you in the eye for a good length of time making an effort to actually connect with you on a deep level mentally, not just casually or all about sex. Fine tune your senses to read-men better before you invest in them emotionally. Be under cover serious and attract the serious. As for the surface connections of sex and casual dating with hardly any "real talk", do they truly even matter if they can't find the decency to be honest and real with yah? I certainly do not want to be with anyone who does not want me, and if they reject me silently and it bothers me that much, I will flat out confront them to see how well they lie or tell the truth. If they remain distant and avoidant, well it’s like the old saying goes, ‘silence is golden’. Read the writings on the wall and keep it moving. Forget them if they can’t be real! Guys like that are losers unknowingly looking for other losers, that’s why you see them looking infinitely for what they could have had with you. Shake off their negative energy remnants left on yah and move on to someone who is actually worth your time.
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    Mar 05, 2013 12:54 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidSimple. You didn't hold their interest. Don't take it personal. Move on or try harder.

    Nah, it's just they found another ass or dick.
  • HorrorHound

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    Mar 05, 2013 1:10 AM GMT
    Maybe they just want or are content with a non-physical online relationship (real or imagined).
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    Mar 05, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    I tend to agree with the original poster though and with the majority here... I think that we no longer live in a society where people value each other. Everyone asks himself, "What can you do for me?"

    Case in point... My last relationship was the shortest relationship I had ever had... 6 months. I think someone earlier stated that he refuses to date someone whom had no prior relationship history, and my ex has shown me why...

    Ex and I met on OkCupid. We shared a lot in common, being that we are both in the IT field, and have a lot of similar interest. We met for a date, and dinner/dessert lasted about 5 hours. We hit it off pretty well. The next day, we enjoyed each other's company so much, we decided to go for smoothies. We had a great discussion. After about 1.5 months, we decided to give the boyfriend thing a go. Of course, shortly after, that is when things started to change drastically. All of a sudden, he became very lazy in the relationship, and it was now, "I've never done this, and I don't know if I can ever commit, or say I love you, yadda yadda." Of course, I wasn't hung up on this because it was so early.

    Later in the relationship, it was a matter of starting to use me... He wanted to put out nothing... He didn't want to spend any money for dinner, entertainment, etc... It was almost like I made more money so I should pay for EVERYTHING. After a while, that gets annoying. To top it off, he wanted me to help him with doing various projects around the house.

    Finally, enough was enough... I felt myself giving and not getting back anything at all. I won't go into details, but it clearly was a one sided relationship. He was worried about me going out and finding someone else, but started downloading Grindr on his phone and such. After a few arguments, I told him that it's clear that we are at two different relationship levels, and that I have to cut him loose. All he did was take, take, take, and I have nothing to give him because my emotional bucket is empty.

    I say that to say this... I don't mind being single... There are guys out there, but they are few and far between, in my experience. I'm not bitter or jaded, but I refuse to settle for someone just for the sake of "Wanting a boyfriend." (Believe me, I have friends like that). I prefer to live healthy and enjoy my life to the fullest. I believe in being with someone whom wants to be with me, and is just not with me for convenience. My ex then wrote me this long e-mail, talking about wanting to be friends. I wrote him back and told him that this seemed a little selfish and I am unwilling to offer him a friendship.

    With technology being what it is today, it's almost like everyone has forgotten how to interact on a personal basis. People watch me funny when I tell them that I call my best friends in Germany every weekend, and call my circle of friends here in the US every weekend as well.

    I also went out with one guy a few weeks ago that the only way he wanted to communicate is by text... This is a 42 year old man, and he wonders why he can't find anyone. I'm very up front, and not really abrasive, but you will always know what I'm thinking or feeling. One day, someone will appreciate that, but until then, I just enjoy my time..

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Mar 05, 2013 3:01 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidit's more like things seem to be going well and then you start hearing from them a little less and a little less and before you know it, all contact is off.

    I've tried reconnecting with some people here and there...but they can't even be real and say whether or not they are interested or make it even seem like they are trying to keep communication going.


    If they disappear they're not interested. Don't hold your breath expecting someone to directly tell you "I''m not interested", it more than likely won't happen. That's just how it is.
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    Mar 05, 2013 3:12 AM GMT
    We give up on each other too soon, that's all. Sometimes it's because we see a flaw in the other guy and we're not patient enough to deal with it. Other times, we think that the guy might grow tired of our flaws and we bail before they bail on us. What I can say is that if you haven't made each other laugh hard by the end of your second date, it is highly likely that one of you will bail, and soon.