Sorry to resurrect an old thread but it's better than making a new one.
I just have to say that I don't quite understand where you're bitterness or jadedness comes from and I guess something significant might have happened to you in life.
From your pictures, or least as much as you can see from your picture you're an attractive guy (aesthetically speaking and at least to me anyway) and I guess it just comes as a little bit of a surprise because most attractive guys, at least in the gay world, aren't that jaded because they're ... well attractive.
Not that I'm saying attractive people aren't at the mercy of everyday life's ups and downs but it's just a little unusual to see it to the degree that you are.
I'm not saying this as a positive or negative thing, just making an observation.
Sometimes I do think you start arguments and fights or at least spur them on. However, I don't know why but I just have this gut feeling that it's really just a defence mechanism that you're putting up and that it's not actually a real reflection of you on the inside.
Again idk why but I just have this sense that you are actually a good hearted guy.
What I mean when I say it's "unusual to see" is because I just have this sense about you that you're a nice guy deep down but your letting jadedness/bitterness be you're defence mechanism or mask to hide that part of yourself away from people and/or yourself to see.
I don't know and I could be wrong but I just have this feeling that you might at least partly know this about yourself but are just refusing to acknowledge it, so you mask it with something else so that it can't be seen.
You joke about suicide and I hope it's only jokes because I think that if you let yourself embrace life, you very much have the potential to live a beautiful one; beautiful in the sense of being fulfilling.
Anyway I could be totally wrong because obviously it's the internet and you can never truly tell but idk why I just keep getting this kind of a sense about you and I just wanted to say it on some kind of a forum.