Oct 20, 2008 11:33 PM GMT
I'm a little surprised I haven't generated a topic until now seeing as how much I seem to babble on all the other topics, but I've got something on my mind I'm currently wrestling with and realized I may find some good input here over this uncomfortable personal issue. So any advice would be welcomed.
Background: Early Sunday morning I got a call from my mother telling me my father had been rushed to the hospital with chest pains. The diagnosis was a heart attack. Obviously mom was in a state of frenzy and fear so I rushed home as quick as I could to be by her side. Notice my main concern was for my mother.
Here's where the problem begins. The whole trip home I was getting more and more angry looking back at the past relationship I have had with my father. To say it's got it's dark moments is an understatement. My father repeatedly cheated on my mother openly and pretty much left the task of raising me and my brother up to my mom. There were more than a few times as a teenager I ran into some of the women he fucked around with and each time felt completely embarrassed and humiliated. What compounded that situation is that my father was and remains a very highly respected man within his community. On the surface he created the perfect facade.
My fathers approach to discipline growing up was very physical and verbal. There was nothing that ever seemed to please my father. I will not get into all the degrading comments made to me and my brother growing up.
I suppose I can thank him for some of my successes because of that cold behavior. At an early age I became a perfectionist facing most tasks. The downside to all of that has been exhaustive at times and I've applied self therapy in trying not to cater to complete perfection. In the process of gaining my own independence a seething hatred grew for my father. I have said on more then one occasion I am forever grateful for the lack of a man he is as I use all that garbage to keep myself in check. In short, he is everything I never want to be.
So I arrive at the hospital and there he is laying there looking very vulnerable to life. And what does he do? He reach's out to me and starts crying and telling me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. I wanted to vomit. To me this was typical behavior of someone who was facing his mortality and feared all the bad was about to catch up with him. I played the role in that moment perfectly and told him I loved him as well and assured him he still had many years left to ease his fears. My skin was crawling playing this role. I was astounded watching my mother express her fear in possibly losing him after the many hours we talked privately about his abuse and infidelity. It was as if none of that ever happened. I said nothing but inside I can't even explain the repulsion I was feeling. Honestly, my thoughts were very selfish. I kept thinking... How dare he ruin my Sunday with all this.
So, it appears after many tests dads got a good chance of making it through this wake up call in regard to his health. By 8 last night I was told to head on back home and should anything change during the week I would be notified. Again, privately I was so disgusted with the whole routine I actually needed to get out of there and felt so much guilt for feeling that way it was hard to get to sleep once I got home. I will be going back home this weekend to spend some time with him but here's my request for some input.
My feelings over all of this have really been eating at me. I firmly believe in open communication. I want so bad to address my feelings to my father and get them out in the open but wonder if it's a mistake? There is a side of me that wants to try and build a "new" relationship with him but in order to do so I can't just bury the past and allow him not to be accountable for his actions. I'd like to pretty much hand my anger I have for him over to him to deal with and see if he will acknowledge his past or if he is going to blow it off. This way I will know if it's emotionally worth it to suddenly be his loving son. I think I've secretly found pride in hating this man. I think it's been my way of becoming me and saying to myself I conquered all his abuse by putting up a firm wall. I actually enjoyed coming out to him knowing it would hurt him.
Am I wrong to address all of this with him at this time? Should I just play his game of avoiding the past? What would you do?
I apologize for the mini novel but hopefully I've offered enough information so you can give some good advice. Thanks in advance.
Background: Early Sunday morning I got a call from my mother telling me my father had been rushed to the hospital with chest pains. The diagnosis was a heart attack. Obviously mom was in a state of frenzy and fear so I rushed home as quick as I could to be by her side. Notice my main concern was for my mother.
Here's where the problem begins. The whole trip home I was getting more and more angry looking back at the past relationship I have had with my father. To say it's got it's dark moments is an understatement. My father repeatedly cheated on my mother openly and pretty much left the task of raising me and my brother up to my mom. There were more than a few times as a teenager I ran into some of the women he fucked around with and each time felt completely embarrassed and humiliated. What compounded that situation is that my father was and remains a very highly respected man within his community. On the surface he created the perfect facade.
My fathers approach to discipline growing up was very physical and verbal. There was nothing that ever seemed to please my father. I will not get into all the degrading comments made to me and my brother growing up.
I suppose I can thank him for some of my successes because of that cold behavior. At an early age I became a perfectionist facing most tasks. The downside to all of that has been exhaustive at times and I've applied self therapy in trying not to cater to complete perfection. In the process of gaining my own independence a seething hatred grew for my father. I have said on more then one occasion I am forever grateful for the lack of a man he is as I use all that garbage to keep myself in check. In short, he is everything I never want to be.
So I arrive at the hospital and there he is laying there looking very vulnerable to life. And what does he do? He reach's out to me and starts crying and telling me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. I wanted to vomit. To me this was typical behavior of someone who was facing his mortality and feared all the bad was about to catch up with him. I played the role in that moment perfectly and told him I loved him as well and assured him he still had many years left to ease his fears. My skin was crawling playing this role. I was astounded watching my mother express her fear in possibly losing him after the many hours we talked privately about his abuse and infidelity. It was as if none of that ever happened. I said nothing but inside I can't even explain the repulsion I was feeling. Honestly, my thoughts were very selfish. I kept thinking... How dare he ruin my Sunday with all this.
So, it appears after many tests dads got a good chance of making it through this wake up call in regard to his health. By 8 last night I was told to head on back home and should anything change during the week I would be notified. Again, privately I was so disgusted with the whole routine I actually needed to get out of there and felt so much guilt for feeling that way it was hard to get to sleep once I got home. I will be going back home this weekend to spend some time with him but here's my request for some input.
My feelings over all of this have really been eating at me. I firmly believe in open communication. I want so bad to address my feelings to my father and get them out in the open but wonder if it's a mistake? There is a side of me that wants to try and build a "new" relationship with him but in order to do so I can't just bury the past and allow him not to be accountable for his actions. I'd like to pretty much hand my anger I have for him over to him to deal with and see if he will acknowledge his past or if he is going to blow it off. This way I will know if it's emotionally worth it to suddenly be his loving son. I think I've secretly found pride in hating this man. I think it's been my way of becoming me and saying to myself I conquered all his abuse by putting up a firm wall. I actually enjoyed coming out to him knowing it would hurt him.
Am I wrong to address all of this with him at this time? Should I just play his game of avoiding the past? What would you do?
I apologize for the mini novel but hopefully I've offered enough information so you can give some good advice. Thanks in advance.
