Please don't misunderstand me - I'm really not numb all the time, lol (which is an edit of what I was ORIGINALLY going to post, that I'm not) but there are things in life that do it to me.
When I think about people that work to aquire things I'm working my ass off towards understanding and eradicating. Why bother?
It was so incredibly disheartening to watch a documentary about bug chasers...it was like someone had scooped out my insides and I had to work at not caving in. Ever see the video for Radiohead's song "Just"? With the guy just laying on the sidewalk staring at nothing...and everything? How demeaning towards the men and women who have devoted thier lives towards finding a cure, who are filled with such a profound sadness for complete strangers. What kind of a slap in the face is it to those who slipped up once and are paying for their lives? Or those who had no choice?
I can't even get angry about it, that's how profound the feeling is. A year after watching that documentary, and it can still bring me to the edge.
You're right - numbness
But even that has it's opposite - why bother? Because for every 'bug chaser' out there there are hundreds of thousands who aren't, who weren't, who are innocents caught in the drive-by. Because there are people suffering and it's not their fault and it's not fucking fair.
It's also not fair to give up on people, on humanity, because I'd be giving up on life. We are constantly going forward, we can't go back, and even if we could - why would you want to? The experiences I've gone through, good AND bad, have shaped me and forced me to change into someone a little bit better, day by day.
I can't go back.
I'm not numb all the time - but if you can't see both sides, if you can't experience them both, you cannot grow - you stagnate. The two sides don't cancel each other out, they balance and support each other - they are not separate.
Hopefully my example and my explanation clears that up a bit..lol, it probably only confused you guys even more. Lol, basically, talk to anyone I know and they won't be describing me as numb...but I can be. Just like I can be happy, and I can be sad, and I can be hopeful,disheartened, and I can be humbled too. Life is always changing.