Yet another BF cheating thread - You'll like this one.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2008 1:00 AM GMT
    I just joined because it seems like a great site with some supportive people. Sorry, you guys probably have gone a through million treads like this and are tired of them. But bare with me please here goes:

    I just found out that my loving, caring, earnest boyfriend, Steve, of 5 months is the kind of manipulative, predatory liar that one normally reads about in True Story! magazine. So this is the scoop: As it turns out, he'd started dating me a month before he and his ex boyfriend of 3 years broke up, making me the unknowing other guy, and spent the bulk of our relationship trying to convince his ex to go back out with him again as well as sleeping with his ex while we were together.

    When I initially found out, I was crushed, but assumed it was a case of the classic rebound. 3 years is, after all, a long time. When I asked him why he hadn't ended things with me sooner, he told me that he'd realized his "true feelings" for his ex later on and started communicating with him then [as you'll see below, this is a lie], but had been reluctant to break up with me because I was "so nice". This was an ego blow, but something I could accept--he had lied to me a lot, but actually had planned on ending things with me.

    Since it was clear that he'd never told his ex about me, I contacted his ex to let him know I existed. (I know some commenters are critical of this, but I've dated a cheater before and I've resolved never to stay silent if I have the opportunity to tell someone the truth.) His ex was shocked, but grateful to know about me--His ex had, of course, been assuming Steve was single, and while he was reluctant to start anything serious with Steve again, he still had feelings for Steve.

    But as Steve's ex and I compared notes, we not only realized that Steve had cheated on him with me, but I realized that he had no intention of breaking up with me, and that he had in fact been trying to maintain two relationships at once. For example, I broke up with him briefly when I felt things weren't right and thought he was lying to me, and so he sent me a long email apologizing, wanting to talk, and asking how he could make things work. It turns out he'd also been sleeping and going out on romantic dinners with his ex while doing this!

    This is awful, but it's also sort of ordinary cheating. What makes it truly insane is in the details: So in his long ass let's-stay-together email, he actually said, "I think [my behavior lately] is in a different category than what I did to you before--that was CLEARLY wrong, and I went through a lot of self-reflection thinking about why I'd planned on communicating with my ex without immediately telling you about it. That was really wrong, and I resolved not to do it again."

    NOTE: That email was sent to me on the day that Steve took out his ex on a romantic dinner date and then slept with him! I know this for a fact when comparing notes with his ex. Yes, folks, that's what he wrote to me, on the *SAME DAY* he was screwing his ex!!

    There's a million crazy examples like this. The cheater I dated before seems almost ordinary in comparison--it was just a drunken find-a-guy-at-a-club cheating. (I don't mean to belittle that behavior; I was extremely hurt at the time, but at least there wasn't any elaborate web of lies.) I've found out that the relationship I was in for the last five months was a sham, and that the guy who said he loved me can't be trusted to tell the truth for more than a minute in a conversation.

    I'm not prepared for this kind of deception. I'm so angry I feel like stabbing the f**k out of watermelons! Does anyone have advice as to how to get over this kind of breakup? On the one hand, I'm epically *DISGUSTED* and almost *fascinated* by the levels of manipulation and deception, but on the other hand, I still miss the person I'm now referring to as the "fake boyfriend"--the one who loved me, who cuddled with me, the one I spent most of my free time with, and the one I had hoped to spend most if not the rest of my life with.

    I'm going to go to the gym, hang out with friends, travel, and do all of those things you're supposed to do to get over a breakup. But this level of deception is practically beyond my comprehension. I actually feel like I'm exaggerating when I try to explain it to people. What else does one do in this situation?

    Thanks for reading. icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2008 2:34 AM GMT
    Actually you may be handling it quite well. Discussing it is a form of therapy, whether online or with your local friends, preferably with both. It helps you to release the anger. And also, by having to articulate the circumstances to others, it's a way of exploring your own inner feelings.

    Working out and socializing with your friends is likewise good therapy. Exercise helps relieve stress and fight any depression, and socializing is good medicine against brooding and becoming withdrawn over this.

    Breakups, especially involving deception & cheating, often leave the victim doubting themselves, and even assuming some of the guilt. Being with supportive and loving friends reassures you that you're OK, and it's the other guy who really is the lowlife bastard.

    You've now learned that such astonishing deceit and selfish behavior really do exist, and believe me, they do. You may now be at least partially "immunized" from it happening again.

    At the same time, you can't let the emotional scars deaden you to future quality relationships. Cynicism, suspicion, a belief that most men are treacherous, and therefore a fear of commitment are just some of the scabs that will form over these wounds, but work to see that they're only temporary.

    Time truly does heal most wounds, so don't pick at your injuries too much. Let them clear up, let the scabs fall away, and use your newfound knowledge to make better choices next time.

    There really are decent guys out there, even if you do get a few losers along the way. Don't give up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2008 4:18 AM GMT
    Sorry that you had to go through this. I have never been in a similar situation so I cannot offer any more than some (unfortunately generic) words of comfort. And don't get too hung up on the whole missing the old boyfriend thing. When you're in love your brain releases chemicals that alter your perception that boosts the famous love "high". As silly as this sounds you're still probably under the influence, but this effect should go away with time.

    Best of luck with getting over this guy. There's always the chance that you'll get a very bad catch, but then there's also the chance that you'll meet someone great.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 29, 2008 7:03 PM GMT
    I love that you contacted this buffoon's Ex !!

    Men like him need to be exposed for what they are at every level
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Oct 29, 2008 7:27 PM GMT
    My 2 cents;
    Only time will really help - it will help lessen the hurt and pain.
    Be strong, grow and become wiser from this expereince.
    It is OK to miss the good times BUT never never let your guard down to this man again. No matter how lonely or how much you miss him.
    Since something similar happened to me - i will tell you that, in my moments of "weakness", it helped to redirect those feelings and remind myself of the hurt and deception that my ex had caused. Any loving or self pitty thoughts were quickly replaced with disgust.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    So wonder women over the centuries have thought most men are lying, cheating scum.

    This guy really is creating his own reality. Hopefully he will realize what a "douchebag" he has been to other guys and try and reform.

    I wish there was a central repository for gay men that identified manipulative, pathological, cheating liars (sort of like a sex offender registry) so those of us that are serious of having a relationship could stay clear of them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    SurrealLife said

    I wish there was a central repository for gay men that identified manipulative, pathological, cheating liars (sort of like a sex offender registry) so those of us that are serious of having a relationship could stay clear of them.

    i like that idea! i know i can toss in one douchebag from my history, LOL

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2008 9:38 PM GMT
    Give it time, let yourself go through the grieving process, don't lose faith or lose who you are trying to get back at him. Expect to get depressed and more than likely angry, it's completely natural.

    In the future, you'll have a more clear cut picture of what a manipulator looks like. When you're ready, take a good look at his actions...too often guys who are relationship oriented get caught up in the promises especially if the guy is good looking. Cuz let's face it, even though we may be relationship oriented we're also shallow. A guy who's used to getting what he wants may be more apt to take advantage of someone who's idealistic. Not saying this is the case with you at all, I'm just saying in general.

    That's been my experience at least.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2008 9:12 AM GMT
    had an ex like that too, dumped the bitch
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    Yeah, man, I get where you're coming from. My ex gf did the exact same shit and tried to keep her ex and me at the same time. I kicked her to the curb and she went back to her ex, who treated her like shit, and then she came running back. Dump his ass, you will get over it, guaranteed. Might take awhile, but you always jump over the fence, no matter what.