On being lonely...

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    Nov 14, 2008 12:24 AM GMT
    jakebenson saidI've been lonely all my life. The only redeeming thing about being constantly depressed due to being single is that I make good music from it.


    Jake Benson is one of those people I think should be kidnapped, locked in a lab and studied.

    I hate meeting attractive, seemingly alright guys who have this uncanny ability to repel people. I like to think I know everything...but this just goes over my head.

    Maybe you're just a schzoid, Jake.
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    Nov 14, 2008 12:35 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]lilTanker said[/cite]yeah, umm, I've found most gay guys aren't worth having as friends... they either want to sleep with you or drag you down into there drama, the few good ones I've kept around though.

    But, most of my mates are straight guys, I don't know why it ended up this way, but it just did, women friends I have only a few of and even then I wouldn't call them a friend beyond the really occasional get together, I mostly feel like there token gay friend so I tend not to hang around with them, or they try to set me up with there other gay friends.

    Apparently, from what I've been told, gay guys don't like me because I come across as arrogant, aloof and intimidating, personally I don't care if I do, so, eh icon_smile.gif


    Alot of my friends are straight also, although that doesnt excuse them from drama. But i agree with you on what you said; the gay guys who i used to hang around, i dont really connect with them as well as with my straight guy friends. I had a conversation with one of my buddies and i told him i'd rather be with my straight guy friends because they're usually more relaxed, more into intelligent conversation and less baggage than my gay friends.
    But the negative side of that is if i'm with them, i'm the token gay guy, like you, who chicks go to, which is why my guys hang with me. Now that i think about it, thats kinda not right....
    I get lonely too sometimes, but i think i'd rather be alone than be with a bunch of backstabbing drama queens. Besides, i like my own company.
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    Nov 14, 2008 12:38 AM GMT
    I completely get where your coming from. I'd like to make more gay friends as well, but the vast majority of my attempts to do so include a few messages back and forth, then they drop off the face of the earth and stop responding. Straight men are better long-term friends, in my opinion...less flighty, or at least more willing to tell you when they don't like you.

    That said, it still sucks to feel that way. You seem like a cool guy, too...if your interested in a friend in the NE, gimme a shout!
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Nov 14, 2008 12:55 AM GMT
    A real shame, because you seem like a genuinely nice guy.

    You will find that most people that are your friends are so because you have something in common, be it interests, social background or just a general way of viewing life.

    The best way to get more friends is to meet more people. A lot of my friend s are straight and I really enjoy their company. Less effort than with some of my gay friends. So you can do one of the following:

    1) Join a group of some description. A swimming club, a hiking club, just anything, gay or straight, it doesn't matter. And be completely up front about being gay. Straight guys tend to keep their distance at first until they realise you're not going to try and jump them at the first opportunity. They actually get a bit curious about the gay thing and you might be surprised the things they ask you about!

    2) Do all those things like going for drinks after work even if you don't want to. If you do you'll eventually find a little work tribe and start hanging out with them. Speaking of work, are there any professional groups you could join?

    3) If you attract girls then hang out with them a bit, but in social situations where it just won't be you and her. You might find a buddy somewhere along the line.

    And just give it time.

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    Nov 14, 2008 1:02 AM GMT
    I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with you...

    Gay men are not very reliable or trustworthy to count on as friends. They can drag you down with their drama or get jealous of who or what they see you with. The straight counterparts are more likely to back you up when you stand your ground & up for yourself. being the "token" gay male out of the crowd, I am never left out of the company. I do have a few girls who like my company & like me as well. The gay men in my community LOVE drama & gossip & I do my damnedest to steer clear of it. When you end up in your darkest hour or in a time of need, you find out who your real friends are. I have learned to keep my gay friends to a minimum, more likely, enough that I can count on one hand. If the choice was handed down to me for to be either with my straight copunterparts or with unreliable gay people, I would rather be around my straight counterparts. You gotta sit back & ask yourself, "What's it gonna be, you or me?". When you get tired of being around unreliable people, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. You will come across people, gay (mostly, in my past experience) or staight, who will get in good with you & make you think that they're a good friend but if you step out on your own, they will break away from any acknowledgement of you & leave you high & dry. Or for a better exmaple- I went out of my way to show loyalty to those who I called my friends in the gay community, but after being crossed after by those same ones (with people like this, do you really need enemies?), perhaps twice, officially they're on a shit list and their best bet for is you can tell them to go fuck themselves. For instance...

    I was the "one" to look up for hookups on investments & connections to get the job done. When my gay friends got sick, I was in their corner, all the way. Helped them with recovery, laundry, gas, lights & grocery bills. Yes, I can be that loyal of a friend, like a friend is supposed to be. When I got sick & almost died 4 years ago, I was left high & dry by my friends in the gay community. None came to see me or wish me godspeed & none backed me up when I needed it most. After I was better, they were trying to kiss my ass & be all up under me. I told them, "Fool me once, the shame's on you. There isn't a second time around. You can do me a HUGE favour & go fuck yourselves." Having a boyfriend who didn't come see me when I was sick just didn't make it any better. He was busy laying up with someone else while I damn near diedicon_cry.gif. I finally mustered up the courage to tell him what he can do with himself, tooicon_eek.gif.
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    Nov 14, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    There is being alone and there is feeling lonely. That's one of my pet peeves.

    I'd venture that perhaps your mindset could use some shifting. What are you doing to cultivate gay male friendships? How are you investing in them as friends? How are you being friendly to other guys? It takes more than attracting other gay men as friends to maintain friendships.

    I just wish I had more time for my friends. HighVoltageGuy, I miss you!
  • EricLA

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    Nov 14, 2008 1:56 AM GMT
    You're in good company. After returning to Los Angeles after living in New York for over three years, I have tried to to reconnect with friends I had here. So far, I've only been successful with my straight friends, where I've been able to take up where I left off. But, it's been a struggle with my gay and lesbian friends. I have no idea how we grew apart, but it's happened.

    For some reason making friends takes some work for me. I'm at a loss as to how to make new ones. I've been trying to find some social activity to get involved in, but I haven't found something that really interests me.

    But, you do have a partner, so that counts for something!
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    Nov 14, 2008 3:13 AM GMT
    My theory is that there's something about the closet that creates intimacy issues.
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:04 AM GMT
    CitizenSol saidMy theory is that there's something about the closet that creates intimacy issues.
    True, true
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:19 AM GMT
    my bf and i talk about this all the time. He is is your position and says he wants gay friends and is lonely. (we live 2 hours apart)

    I on the other hand have had about 4-5 close friends for the last 10-15 years, I have 3 kids that are in and out of the house and I work in an environment that is team oriented and I am surrounded by people all night long...(3rd shift)

    So for me to get a day to myself and not be bothered is a Godsend!!! Its funny we always want what we dont have...


    my bf says the friends hes had in the past always take advantage of him an use him for things he does. Hes a handy man type.

    I think by the time we get into our 30's and 40's we have the long term friends that we cultivated years ago, and other friends kinda come in and out of our lives.

    I think you have to put yourself out there to meet people also, join a sports team, club whatever, bike race...meet people of like minded interests and build friendships.

    They aren't going to come to you.
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:28 AM GMT
    CitizenSol saidMy theory is that there's something about the closet that creates intimacy issues.


    I'd agree.
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:37 AM GMT
    BerberKnight saidFinally somebody is speaking out about how lonely being gay can get!


    30% of people report having no close friendships/relationships.

    McPherson, M., Smith-Lovin, L., Brashears, M. E., (2006). Social isolation in America: Changes in core discussion networks over two decade. In American Sociological Review. Jun 2006; 71, 3.


    It's not just us gays that feel lonely. This is a major part of my dissertation. We live in an age where we can physically manage more relationships (travel, cell phones, Facebook, high school reunions, etc.) yet seem to simultaneously have more disconnection and a greater sense of distancing.
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:46 AM GMT



    Hey Pheonix86,

    Up here 5 minutes from the US border, if you guys ever get the urge. It's lonely for us too, but this is a cool little town and people are very friendly so things are changing.


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    Nov 14, 2008 4:49 AM GMT
    jakebenson said^ I dunno about Australia. Maybe New York or Israel. My personality fits well in those places.


    Yuck!!

    Sour NYC and even more so in Israel!

    Your a bag of laughs that's for sure......

    I think you just haven't meet your match or someone who will dish your own shit!!
    LOL
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:53 AM GMT
    All my friends are straight dudes and chicks. Never have really madeany gay friends that have bonded either.
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:59 AM GMT
    Phoenix86 saidI'm going to take this moment to be more open than I might be comfortable doing. But, I know there are some great people here so it feels like the right place to do it.

    I'm lonely. I have been for a long time. I'm in a great relationship, but as far as friend are concerned I dont seem to attract long lasting ones. And to really be specific, I don't really have any gay friends. I know it's both silly and logical to want gay male friends, but I just haven't had much success there. For some reason, in person, they don't like me. I usually don't have a problem with them, but just find that we never end up bonding. There are some I'm ok not being friends with, especially when drama and stereotypical (to the extreme) behaviors become almost their focus in life. But, I really feel like I'm missing something here.

    I have this image in my head of me, maybe my boyfriend, and a few other guys all hanging out. Maybe they're single, maybe they have their boyfriends with them. Images of hiking, movies, camping, shopping, tv, video games... whatever.... they run through my head. Yet, it isn't happening in reality. Do I hold a dream image? Am I desperate?

    I find that the people i attract are girls, specifically girls who are really excited about having a gay friend (i'm sure a lot of you are in the same boat).

    So, i guess i dont have a point other than to express something that was on my mind. Thoughts?


    A nice sunny spot and a few naked men and you have a good recipe for fun and friendships.

    I say make a move, change the vibe, get out and work on your personality. I mean in a good way. Just be a little more extroverted.

    Friendships are good. I have a several. I keep them at arms length. I do this for a few reasons. I like my freedom and solitude. I can go-out when I want......but I just don't like to many "extras" hanging around my neck@@@@ lol

    Now, that special someone or someone's......look out. I am Mr. Adventure and spare no cost when I want to go do something out there!

    I think if more men and that includes gay men...would get off the couch and turn off the TV and video games and work out more and run and walk and get involved in Charities and more Volunteer work and practice the "WE" instead of "ME"....you would SEE more friendships. There are so many who are in need of GOOD service and help. Try it and see the friendships build and see your life gain in meaning!!

    XO
    HAPPY HOLIDAYS BOY'S!!!
    Love ya,
    Johnny


    Oh yeah.....I can say this...I LOVE SAN FRANCISCO. I mean hell...I have a million friends here..lol....The dudes are so cool and nice and I felt like a movie star when I hit CASTRO. If you ever want a fun filled weekend...just hit CASTRO!!
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    Nov 14, 2008 5:04 AM GMT
    I have seen a few people mention it already, but you should really check and see if your city has any gay sports teams. I joined the gay rugby team here in Philly and I don't exaggerate when I say I feel like I have found a second family. They are such a great group of guys who I know will ALWAYS have my back, both on the field, and in life.

    I think the real problem is that when you're in a gay bar everyone is getting wasted, trying to find a hook-up, or too busy trying to look hot infront of everyone. It really is a challenge to find any good, down to earth, real friends there.

    When you join a sports team, you automatically have a shared goal and a sense of brotherhood.

    Also, its good to make straight friends, but at the same time, you can connect with a Gay friend in ways you never can with a straight friend. I mean you can never drool over guys together, share funny sexy stories, or have deep discussions about relationships. Gay friends provide a real sense of support and its great to be able to call them up and vent about stuff.

    So yeah, check out a sports team!!!! I suggest Rugby if you have a team there!!


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    Nov 14, 2008 5:10 AM GMT
    I think there are a lot of influences in our lives that make us feel lonely. Society largely subscribes to the idea that in order to achieve happiness, it's necessary to attain things. We are constantly being put down my negative forces that make us forget that happiness is something we have to find in ourselves. When we strive only to fill our lives with junk that make us forget struggle, we spend all our energy searching out a panacea.

    Isn't happiness the opposite of lonely? We can't rely on making other people happy - we have to find it ourselves. When you find what you really want, then loneliness disappears.

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    Nov 14, 2008 5:14 AM GMT
    luvs2travel saidI think there are a lot of influences in our lives that make us feel lonely. Society largely subscribes to the idea that in order to achieve happiness, it's necessary to attain things. We are constantly being put down my negative forces that make us forget that happiness is something we have to find in ourselves. When we strive only to fill our lives with junk that make us forget struggle, we spend all our energy searching out a panacea.

    Isn't happiness the opposite of lonely? We can't rely on making other people happy - we have to find it ourselves. When you find what you really want, then loneliness disappears.



    Practice random acts of kindness and your day will shine and you will never feel an ounce of loneliness!!
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    Nov 14, 2008 6:00 AM GMT
    Lets add a little DISCO to spice things up...wash your sorrows away!!

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    Nov 14, 2008 6:23 AM GMT
    if you're lonely there is something missing in your life that you've never had or used to have.

    If you're lonely, it shows that you want something more then sex.
    I have yet to find good people, I have friends but everyone of them is
    selfish in their own way. I do have hopes for one person but im not so sure things will work out, kind of think im not good enough. Real jock and many other social websites ruin a lot of relationships. No one cares if you're in a relationship, they still message your dude saying stupid shit, or your guy getting tempted.

    in the closet guys are the best, bottom line, someone that isnt online and no one knows lol.
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    Nov 14, 2008 6:37 AM GMT
    i dont get it, if everyone in here is agreeing that they dont want drama and its difficult to meet people, then why is it so hard to find these people in real life? i mean its not like gay people have a lot of places where they can truly be themselves that dont involve alcohol..

    so if everyone in here is just looking NOT looking to play games, wouldnt the general consensus be that gay people just want to be loved / accepted? why is it so hard to just go to the movies or get something to eat without the stigma that oh this person wants something from me.

    i sound bitter, but of all the groups of people that are marginalized in society it astounds me that gay people remain divided among themselves and continue to marginalize themselves.

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    Nov 14, 2008 6:49 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidyeah, umm, I've found most gay guys aren't worth having as friends... they either want to sleep with you or drag you down into there drama

    Wow, you have just described every gay guy I have met in person since coming out. Troublesome thing is that my adviser is gay and I don't know which column to put him in. Either is equally gloomy. I hope he fits into the third 'keeper'.
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    Nov 14, 2008 6:58 AM GMT
    So far, almost all of my gay friends that I have made have been from right here on RJ hehe. I love meeting new people and am always up for making new friends.

    I just wish that sometimes I didn't feel like I was the one trying to keep the friendship going. Also doesn't help when you try to make a friend, or just start a conversation, that the person your talking to doesn't seem to want to talk back. It's pretty hit or miss I have found.
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    Nov 14, 2008 7:31 AM GMT
    NHJeepGuy23 saidI completely get where your coming from. I'd like to make more gay friends as well, but the vast majority of my attempts to do so include a few messages back and forth, then they drop off the face of the earth and stop responding. Straight men are better long-term friends, in my opinion...less flighty, or at least more willing to tell you when they don't like you.

    That said, it still sucks to feel that way. You seem like a cool guy, too...if your interested in a friend in the NE, gimme a shout!


    Haha, you're sweet. Thanks icon_smile.gif