On being lonely...

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    Nov 14, 2008 6:27 PM GMT
    This thread came at a bad time for me. I don’t get lonely often, but when I do it can be pretty hard, because I have nothing to fall back on. I shouldn’t even be writing in this frame of mind but if you’re going to whine about being lonely I thought I’d give you a taste of how some people live.

    So you have a boyfriend… and you’re lonely. Excuse me if I don’t shed any tears. You see, I’ve never had anybody. Ever. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and when I was a kid and thought I was supposed to be chasing girls, I never had a girlfriend either. In fact, no human being has ever said the words “I love you” to me. Not even my parents.

    Throughout most of my life I’ve had plenty of friends. And yeah, we went hiking, went to football games, parties, all the stuff you say you want. But somehow I’ve always been the guy everybody wants for a friend, and nobody wants to date. I’ve made myself look like an idiot countless times because I tried to start something up with someone who only wanted to be friends. Why has it been like this for me? Well, part of the story is that my personality is a little off center, and I’m a very individualistic person who tends to go my own way a lot, and some people might feel intimidated by me for one reason or another, and I’m short, and now I’m old too. But none of those sound like deal breakers to me, so the bottom line is I really don’t have a clue. If I did, I’d fix it.

    Ten years ago I had a large group of good friends who I used to hang out with every weekend, go on vacations with, all that stuff. I thought it was OK not having anybody special because I’d found a group that I would be friends with for the rest of my life. And then one by one they all moved away. I’m still in contact with most of them but I don’t see them often. The last one moved to Hawaii with his wife and son a year and a half ago; he’s still a true friend and brother but I only see him a few days a year.

    Right now there’s a guy who I usually go to dinner with on Friday nights; he’s not a close friend but he’s a good guy, and those two hours are often the only time I spend with anyone all week. Yeah there are guys at the gym that I talk to and joke around with every day, and I get along well with my neighbors and can’t even walk down the street in my town without saying hi to some acquaintance or another, but there’s no one who really seems to want to carve out any time for me (yeah, I’ve extended invitations).

    And believe me, I’m not just sitting around waiting for someone to come along. I’ve taken classes, joined clubs, attended events, but nothing has ever come of it. The people my age seem to already have their social lives plotted out, and I'm a little uncomfortable about being the lame 50-year-old guy trying to hang with kids in their 20s. I’ve gone out of my way to meet new people in my town, who have ended up becoming good friends with people I’ve introduced them to, and then they don’t call me again. Online, over the past several years, I’ve met some smoking hot, nice, lonely guys who live thousands of miles away; I’ve met guys in LA who have no desire to date a guy who lives all the way down at the beach; I’ve met guys in my own town who are in “open relationships” or are looking to cheat on their partner (no thanks), or just want to hook up.

    Occasionally I’ve gone to a gay bar looking to score because I just needed to feel physically close to another human being. Usually I’ve come home alone but sometimes I’ve hooked up. Aside from those few times, I have not been approached by an interested guy in more than fifteen years.

    So I guess I sound pretty pathetic, and believe me right now I feel pathetic. But I didn’t post this looking for sympathy. My life is what it is. It’s what it’s always been. I’ll live through this episode and then it won’t bother me any more, and I’ll meet a new guy and get excited and optimistic all over again until I find out he doesn’t want me either. To be honest, I’m always amazed that I bounce back as easily as I do.

    So you’re lonely. My heart bleeds for you. You already have a boyfriend, and now you want more friends? Go get yourself a god damn dog.
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    Nov 14, 2008 6:41 PM GMT
    riptjock saidThis thread came at a bad time for me. I don’t get lonely often, but when I do it can be pretty hard, because I have nothing to fall back on. I shouldn’t even be writing in this frame of mind but if you’re going to whine about being lonely I thought I’d give you a taste of how some people live.
    Ript. From your profile and some of your postings you kind of separate yourself. Mental isolation is the worst kind. If you are so closeted who is going to know you even exist? Based on your profile language I think a lot of potential friends would not even approach you.
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    Nov 14, 2008 6:50 PM GMT
    Loneliness isn't necessarily a gay issue...I suspect everyone regardless of orientation feels it from time to time. I think it's important to value whatever friendships you have without worrying about their orientation. Leave the fag hags at home.

    There isn't an easy answer to the loneliness question. Just know you aren't alone...others feel it too.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 17140

    Nov 14, 2008 6:55 PM GMT
    Well let me say I can appreciate what your saying. I'm not lonely generally speaking, but everyone can be occasionally for a variety of reasons... maybe thinking about those you were close to once... but are not now, may be but one reason.

    I would suggest several things: 1) Develop things to do so when you start to feel that way, you can get busy and not feel so lonely

    2) Continue to work to develop friendships. Look in different places. Your efforts here are to be commended, keep taking the time. I'm confident you will develop a variety of friends over time. You seem like a very nice guy so I'm sure you will.
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    Nov 14, 2008 7:35 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidBased on your profile language I think a lot of potential friends would not even approach you.


    Funny, I don't remember asking for advice. The point of my post, as I stated, was to let Phoenix know that maybe he doesn't have it so bad. Actually I get compliments on my profile quite often. And where did you get the idea I'm closeted?
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    Nov 14, 2008 7:48 PM GMT
    Get a netflix account and start having a game/movie night. People will show up. Your lesbian and chick friends will bring their gay friends, and those friends will bring their friends and so on and so on and so on.

    Oh, and by the way, I knew three of the four quotes on your profile without having to think about them. Anyone that likes Buffy, The Emperors New Groove and Hocus Pocus, can't be all bad.
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    Nov 14, 2008 9:00 PM GMT
    riptjock said
    ActiveAndFit saidBased on your profile language I think a lot of potential friends would not even approach you.

    Funny, I don't remember asking for advice. The point of my post, as I stated, was to let Phoenix know that maybe he doesn't have it so bad. Actually I get compliments on my profile quite often. And where did you get the idea I'm closeted?
    No you didn't ask, consider it a gift. Your past posts have expressed that you worried about certain people finding out you are gay, and the fact that you have your face concealed = closeted. And for all your complements, you still bemoan your fate and you said you sound and feel pathetic. I am not sure if you were trying to give advice or just complain about your situation, but what you told him "my heart bleeds for you" you can apply to yourself. He is trying to make friends and you just tell him he has it good. I don't see how you have really given him any advice other than to dismiss his feelings.

    Maybe you should do what you recommended him .. "Go get yourself a god damn dog."
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    Nov 14, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidyeah, umm, I've found most gay guys aren't worth having as friends... they either want to sleep with you or drag you down into there drama, the few good ones I've kept around though.

    What the hell kind of gay people have you been meeting, and more importantly, where?

    As far as I know, none of my gay friends (and there's a handful) want to sleep with me, sophomoric joking aside, and those that have drama do a pretty decent job of keeping it to themselves unless it gets bad.

    Don't make friends at bars, don't make friends on gay.com. Meet 'em at events/gathering that don't focus on the gay aspect of everything.
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    Nov 14, 2008 9:55 PM GMT
    This thread is interesting, compelling and sometimes funny to me. Here's my 2¢.

    I'm at an interesting time in my life. I am alone, but I'm not often lonely. I don't need to surround myself with people all the time, though I have plenty of friends in my life. More of my friends are straight than gay but by a small margin. I have been in two LTRs, the last one lasting 14+ years. That ended almost 3 years ago. I haven't even dated anyone in over a year (more by choice than anything else.)

    I no longer have this fantasy of a relationship being 'forever' because I know from experience. I live my life simply now. While I'll plan for the future, I don't live with the idea that all my efforts are focused on tomorrow. The carpe diem aspect is far more literal for me now. I choose to be happy NOW, regardless of my life situation. I'm alone right now, and I'm happy. If I meet someone, I can also be happy. Not happier, but happy 'with.'

    Now, because of where I am in my life, if I met someone and he said, "Let's move to [some distant place]" I'd not have a problem with that. It's a nice kind of freedom that I've no encumbrance. I don't need to move though.

    So, lonely, is something that happens, that is up to me to fix, and not for someone else to fill the void.
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    Nov 14, 2008 10:55 PM GMT
    Reading these comments from various guys has caused me to have a new appreciation for my life. How fortunate I am to have the friends I have - and to have always had a lot of people / friends / acquaintances / co-workers / dates in my life. I never gave it a lot of thought. I guess I've always known a lot of people. Maybe that is the way I was raised (very popular, busy parents and grandparents). I guess I've taken it all for granted. What I am missing in my life is more quiet time - for reading and just kicking back by the fire or around the pool - more *alone* time to just regroup and relax.

    I learn tons of useful stuff from the guys on RJ. Some of the guys here have helped me look at different points of view - and I'm better for it.
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    Nov 14, 2008 11:28 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said Your past posts have expressed that you worried about certain people finding out you are gay, and the fact that you have your face concealed = closeted.


    I have never, on these forums or anywhere else, expressed that I'm worried about people ("certain" or not) finding out I'm gay.

    None of the rest of it is worth responding to.

    *Sigh* The older I get, the more I realize you never really graduate from high school.
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    Nov 14, 2008 11:37 PM GMT
    Photobucket
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    Nov 14, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    riptjock saidI have never, on these forums or anywhere else, expressed that I'm worried about people ("certain" or not) finding out I'm gay.
    icon_eek.gifYou are not old enough to be losing your memory yet. Although you deleted your original comment you did indeed do so in this thread .. you can still gather from the lengthy thread that you expressed concerns about being fully out ..
    why don't you have a face pic? http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/107054/

    gigman17b saidDon't listen to those pricks RiptJock.

    I understand why someone in your position would be closeted.
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    Nov 15, 2008 12:08 AM GMT
    Phoenix I know what you mean, excpet i'm passed/passing that stage.

    Gay men and I don't get along. The ones I do get along with usually end up liking me and when I don't feel the same way they get hurt and usually end up vanishing... This has happend to me countless times.

    I just don't have the personality to get along with 90% of gay men. I don't like drama and I expect my friends to be loyal which is rare with gay men.

    Just be happy with the friends you have, your not missing much trust me. I love my straight friends and I have a whole boat load of Lesbian friends... I dunno what a guy who hangs out with lesbians is. the male version of a fag hag.. but that is me to a "T". As for gay men. I like them.. duh I am one but i'm not bothered about having a huge group of gay friends. I use to be in a big group of gay guys and it was so catty, slutty, and the backstabbing made me sick.
  • MusicMan87

    Posts: 305

    Nov 15, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    Totally in the same boat. I, however, have a best friend who's gay and fun to hang around. Can be sort of dramatic, but I'm his rock to bring him back down from the mountains he makes out of mole hillsicon_smile.gif

    Most of my friends are girls too, while this doesn't help w/ sex... They are always there to talk about anything and tend to have more to say than just sports and pussy and monster trucks (or whatever straight guys talk about haha). I definitely have lots of straight friends, but not usually my best friends. and we have music usually in common. IDK, its hard to be young, away at college, and in a town that has little/no gay guys. I just want someone to cuddle with! haha But I figure I'm usually too busy for a bf anyways.

    I'm gonna chilll about it until I'm out of school and have a more permanent residence. But like guys have said, you have to get out there! Just go hiking, find some guys on here that want to hang out and just chill at a bar or explore the town. Thats kinda my two cents. OH and go to a concert! thats a great way to hang w/ friends! go to dinner, the concert, then hang out afterward and talk about it, keeps conversation going icon_smile.gif

    GOOD LUCK! And take a deep breath! You're healthy, have a great boyfriend (which most would kill for) and live in a cool city Nothing to stress about
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    Nov 15, 2008 1:04 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidBlah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah


    So now you're assaulting my integrity? Nice.

    The reason I deleted my post on that thread was because I got tied of idiots like you twisting my words to imply something I neither said nor meant. Gigman's comment was well-intentioned but he entirely missed the point of what I did say.

    By the way, I don't see your face on this thread. I tried clicking on your name when I wasn't signed in and got the message "THIS PROFILE IS HIDDEN FROM PUBLIC VIEW". Isn't that the same as, uh, closeted?

    Anyway, I've learned my lesson. I exposed a vulnerability, and you tried to jump me like a thug. I won't do that again. Thanks for being you.
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    Nov 15, 2008 1:19 AM GMT
    riptjock said
    ActiveAndFit saidBlah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
    Hey I didn't say that! talk about twisting my words! icon_lol.gif

    So now you're assaulting my integrity? Nice.

    The reason I deleted my post on that thread was because I got tied of idiots like you twisting my words to imply something I neither said nor meant. Gigman's comment was well-intentioned but he entirely missed the point of what I did say.
    Uh, everyone in the thread saw what I saw. read the comments.

    By the way, I don't see your face on this thread. I tried clicking on your name when I wasn't signed in and got the message "THIS PROFILE IS HIDDEN FROM PUBLIC VIEW". Isn't that the same as, uh, closeted?
    Are you stalking me secretly again?? My face pic is posted. I don't think I blocked you

    Anyway, I've learned my lesson. I exposed a vulnerability, and you tried to jump me like a thug. I won't do that again. Thanks for being you.
    I am sorry. I didn't know you were feeling vulnerable. I thought you were being critical
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    Nov 15, 2008 3:45 AM GMT
    Phoenix and other guys looking for friends, listen to GQ, CitizenSol and others with good advice, and take heart. There are more than 10 million gay men in the US alone. The princes and the jerks appear in about the same proportion as the rest of the society. There are countless good guys, and I'm able to say I know many of them and can count a few as great friends, some lifetime friends

    As I've said to many a girlfriend (and I mean girl friend) looking for a date, the best (and usually only) way to meet people is to get out of the house. So few really attractive and interesting people drop by uninvited. Follow your interests and you will meet people who share them. If you have to force yourself to volunteer at your nearest gay services organization, do it. Or for another organization that appeals to you. Take a class. Teach a class. Organize a meeting of some of your online friends?

    Did someone say New York is harsh? It can be, but I challenge anyone to spend a spring volunteering for the Aids Walk and not make a good friend or ten out of it. Or put in a few Saturday nights 2-stepping (yes, in NYC!) Or jogging with the Front Runners, or networking at the Center.

    Here's the other thing: to have a friend, you have to be a friend, without waiting for the quid pro quo repayment of every kind deed you do, or every slight that a friend commits. You have to forgive a little to get a little. You have to ask yourself now and then if they are overlooking some of your baggage, too. We all know that this is true, but it bears repeating.

    Loneliness can seem unbearable, but the truth is that a good one to make friends (even casual ones, which can be a lot of fun) is to offer yourself and your friendship to others = whether that's just to participate in a bowling league or to be company once in a while to someone who truly has no one.


    Now, as to this type of comment:
    "Gay men are not very reliable or trustworthy to count on as friends. "

    Try to forget that, Phoenix. It truly makes me sad to read that sort of thing coming from gay men themselves. Especially here on RJ, where so many thoughtful and yes, friendly guys make an effort to be supportive and truthful.
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    Nov 15, 2008 3:49 AM GMT


    That cowboyo, (always makes me think of 'Oh joy, a Cowboy!' - one of my friends would woody right-angle out at the mere mention of 'em)

    Ditto to your post.


    -Doug
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    Nov 15, 2008 5:38 AM GMT
    I HATE when women want you to be their "gay friend". It's like we're a novelty to them or something. Why can't we just be a friend that happens to be gay?
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    Nov 15, 2008 5:47 AM GMT
    icon_idea.gifHey boys,

    I forgot to mention something. I think perhaps if your feeling a void you might want to also consider adoption or finding a Surrogate mother and start a family. A family can really make a difference for what you maybe lacking.

    I think many gay men and others feel this void because of the lack of domestic responsibilities and allowing your self to care and nurture someone other than just the "2 of us"....try it and see...so many kids need a home. They will love you and honor you and never for get you!!!
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    Nov 15, 2008 5:54 AM GMT
    Azstreaker saidI forgot to mention something. I think perhaps if your feeling a void you might want to also consider adoption or finding a Surrogate mother and start a family. A family can really make a difference for what you maybe lacking.
    icon_eek.gif Have you lost your mind!!! icon_lol.gif
    That's like jumping in to save a drowning person when you can't even swim!icon_lol.gif
    Maybe a dog isn't a bad idea after allicon_wink.gif
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    Nov 15, 2008 6:04 AM GMT
    I've always been pretty lucky, I suppose -- I don't really require the presence of a lot of people in my life. I have a smallish circle of friends that are very important to me, and a bunch more that I see less often. My boyfriend and I have several gay men and women we hang out with, but in general my closest friends tend to be straight guys. I'm pretty low-key and mellow, so gay drama and fag hags and all that don't particularly resonate with me.
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    Nov 15, 2008 6:05 AM GMT
    For those who offered advice, thank you. It means a lot and does help. For those who think they can be rude and make it all about them, why are you even in this thread? Dont be so dramatic. just walk away...even if you are..."ript"
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    Nov 15, 2008 6:08 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    Azstreaker saidI forgot to mention something. I think perhaps if your feeling a void you might want to also consider adoption or finding a Surrogate mother and start a family. A family can really make a difference for what you maybe lacking.
    icon_eek.gif Have you lost your mind!!! icon_lol.gif
    That's like jumping in to save a drowning person when you can't even swim!icon_lol.gif
    Maybe a dog isn't a bad idea after allicon_wink.gif


    I beg your pardon...my mind is quite in tack and I speak the truth.

    So much of gaydom is self-centered and focused on the me or we and my next trick......

    Now, I am not judging. I just deep down believe and feel that this can be fixed with a few things.

    Like I said, getting involved in charities or volunteer work. Starting a family is good. I mean one can be very well grounded and not even depressed and still feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness!!

    Depression and loneliness are different. I think more need responsibility and all that lonely stuff fly's right out the door!!

    I can actually verify it works...I am never LONELY!!