On being lonely...

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    Nov 15, 2008 6:31 AM GMT
    Azstreaker saidLike I said, getting involved in charities or volunteer work. Starting a family is good.
    Well I wouldn't mind having children myself because I love kids, but I think he just wanted a friend, not the brady bunch icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 15, 2008 6:36 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    Azstreaker saidLike I said, getting involved in charities or volunteer work. Starting a family is good.
    Well I wouldn't mind having children myself because I love kids, but I think he just wanted a friend, not the brady bunch icon_biggrin.gif


    Dude,

    sometimes these forum post are meant to be a little more serious and not some joker's wild like you tend to interject with your brand of humor. I never said anything about ....having a "Brady like family" of 6 or more kids..... I mentioned maybe...just maybe, adoption or even be a big brother to some child who is really in need.

    I mean after all....gay men are wanting this family life now days....correct??

    Maybe I am wrong...back to the cold circuit parties...poppers and meth!!

    Druggie?
    Rehab?
    Alcoholic?
    Sexaholic?
    Party Boy?
    Prostitute?
    Over eating?
    Want more....?


    Friends are cool, but until you find them I was offering an antidote to relieve the heart ache of loneliness.
    I find that many gay men are incapable of being friends for a variety of reasons. I listed a few above!! What category do you fall in??

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    Nov 15, 2008 6:51 AM GMT
    Azstreaker saidDude,

    sometimes these forum post are meant to be a little more serious and not some joker's wild like you tend to interject with your brand of humor. I never said anything about ....8 kids! I mentioned maybe...just maybe adoption or even be a big brother to some child who is really in need.

    I mean after all....gay men are wanting this family life now days....correct??

    Maybe I am wrong...back to the cold circuit parties...poppers and meth!!
    lol. Now, Now. I am not against family, but I and most of the people I know have never done drugs. That's a little fatalistic to say it's kids or it's drugs. But also I say that it is something that needs to have much more consideration than "I want a freind" or "I am lonely." I have had my share of early/unprepared families among my relatives, and they don't always turn out pretty. B'sides he is only 22.
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    Nov 15, 2008 6:57 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    Azstreaker saidDude,

    sometimes these forum post are meant to be a little more serious and not some joker's wild like you tend to interject with your brand of humor. I never said anything about ....8 kids! I mentioned maybe...just maybe adoption or even be a big brother to some child who is really in need.

    I mean after all....gay men are wanting this family life now days....correct??

    Maybe I am wrong...back to the cold circuit parties...poppers and meth!!
    lol. Now, Now. I am not against family, but I and most of the people I know have never done drugs.
    I am willing to bet...that more than 50% of the dudes on this site do some kind of drugs...icon_question.gif

    That's a little fatalistic to say it's kids or it's drugs. But also I say that it is something that needs to have much more consideration than "I want a freind" or "I am lonely." I have had my share of early/unprepared families among my relatives, and they don't always turn out pretty. B'sides he is only 22.


    22 is the perfect age to be a big brother to some child. You can take him or her to a football game. Take them to his or her music lessons, share a meal with them....You do not have to really make them until your ready. Now, common sense would dictate this...right?
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    Nov 15, 2008 7:57 AM GMT
    I think the 'When Harry Met Sally' rule applies here. Well, imagine it in a gay context, you know, gay men can't be friends with other gay men because the sex thing gets in the way. It's tough to just be friends if there's sexual tension / attraction, and if there's not, guys generally don't stick around to find out enough about another guy to see if there's a chance of friendship.

    Mind you I've got a couple of really good gay friends who I met through one-nighters! The sex was crap and never happened again, but we got on great and liked each other enough to start a friendship.
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    Nov 15, 2008 8:26 AM GMT
    A very interesting thread.

    I guess i am blessed (spiritual as opposed to the strictly religious sense) in that I have a great bunch of friends (more straight than gay) who I know i can rely on. Strangely enough, i met 2 of my closest and most reliable gay friends when I moved from the UK to Ukraine 2.5 years ago (and when i moved here i felt lonely and alone). But maybe for me it's more about having friends than worrying about their sexual orientation... yes of course there are certain things/experiences that you would only want to share with gay men but i don't not feel a need to surround myself with strictly gay men.

    As others have advised, join a gay sorts group etc... one the easiest ways i found to meet other gay men & lesbians was through joining a badminton club. Through that club i met and many people from London, the UK and because we play in many tournaments in Europe, many European gay friends as well. Of course, i have many gay acquaintances... people i see, i say hi, we chat, but if i don't see them again for 6 months no big deal, but there are others who i have kept in close and regular contact with and who i consider to be a central part of my life.
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    Nov 15, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    A number of the guys who either don't have gay friends or believe such a thing is impossible turn out to be pretty young, many in the early twenties, like Phoenix86. Give it time and know that your circle of close friends will build, slowly, but surely.

    One of the loneliest times of my life was the first 6-12 months after graduating from college and getting out on my own. I so missed the community of college days, the availability of one friend or another at almost any hour, the deep friendships I found both inside and out of my fraternity. For me, that large, extended family of friends and individuals both like-minded and challengingly different was an ideal I've never recreated.

    BUT, in short time I did build a new, always morphing circle.

    I think that moving while I was in high school taught me to be both dependent on myself and to reach out to others to make new friends. That served me well going to college, then in a new life after, and also when I moved from the midwest to NYC.

    A favorite experience: I met a NY guy at a party in DC, a few of us were talking about books. He invited me to join a newly-forming book club. The 10 guys were a loose mix, brought together by 3 friends who were starting it. For me they were all new - and it was a great experience, rather like moving towns when I was 15. They all were creating individual and group opinions of me, with no pre-conceptions. It's fascinating to see that new people will find something in you that your old friends perhaps don't.

    Add to this that we were reading gay authors and gay-themed books (fiction and non-) - our discussions revealed a lot about each of us. We developed an interesting intimacy in short time ...
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    Nov 19, 2008 2:58 AM GMT
    Heya, Guy -

    I'm glad you posted this question. I've been lonely at times before, especially when I first came out *years* ago and when I wasn't sure how to make friends with other gay guys.

    I feel differently now. I just had to figure out what it was that I wanted from gay friends and what I wanted from a boyfriend. That took some time...and, after a few slips backward and forward, I figured out that more or less, I just wanted the same thing in friends and a boyfriend that I wanted when I was trying to fit in being straight - to be around people with similar interests.

    Here's where I met some of my best gay buddies over the years, and guys I've dated, in some cases. Hope this helps:
    * sports team (I play on a gay soccer team)
    * volunteering for a cause that meant something to me
    * by asking people I trusted to introduce me to people once in a while

    Maybe something else will work for ya, I dunno.
    Nevertheless, being lonely once in a while is normal, as far as I can tell. Most people I know who know themselves well will tell me the same.

    Good luck! Great post, btw.

    Perry from Philly





  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    May 03, 2010 9:55 AM GMT
    some energy or driving force might be missing and/or gone. when those kinds of times come to me ... I muddle myself with thought and then try to work perspective from multiple angles. the goal is not to upset yourself but to shed light on what it may be that is truly bothering you. the loneliness might not - just - stem from a lack of someone or something special but, instead, it could be a lack of fulfillment in your current experience; a drive for something more.
    those are the times that I sit and explore my mind as to the whats, the hows, the whys, and - perhaps - the wheres.