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Is he too old/young for me? Do LTR relationships really exist?

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Jan 09, 2009 1:46 PM GMT

Good morning. The two topics I posted are similar to questions that frequently appear in the FORUMS. As many of you may recall my partner and I are really old and have been together a really long time. We're pictured together at a golf outing in my profile pics.

We attended a party last night celebrating some friends' tenth anniversary with 48 total guests. I thought you might like to hear some of the statistics that emerged from one of the host's toasts. BTW the 10-year couple are 85 years old and 49 years old. Of the 22 couples in attendance (yes, there were a few singles), one other couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary this same week. They are 92 y.o. & 53 y.o.. There were ten couples that will be celebrating an anniversary this year between 20 & 39 years inclusive. There were an additional SIX of us couples that will celebrate 40 years or more together this year. And the longest term relationship was 48 years...both partners of which are healthy and still going very strong!

So is he too old/young for you? Heavens, NO! Can this really turn into a LTR? Absolutely!

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Jan 09, 2009 2:18 PM GMT

NO, and yes! Too cool...!

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Jan 09, 2009 6:18 PM GMT

I would be more interested in how you were able to stay coupled so long!
Issues were you able to work through.

I have two friends who are only still coupled because of the property that they own and to separate they would not be able to maintain the same life style. They just tolorate each other. Which I don't get.

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Jan 09, 2009 7:22 PM GMT

What an uplifting post!
I am so glad to hear this and I also know LTR couples of many years.

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Jan 09, 2009 7:35 PM GMT

One of the singles was straight. All of the couples that I mentioned as examples were gay. There were two lesbian couples among the guests.

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Jan 09, 2009 7:51 PM GMT

Most of the straight couples I know who have had long marriages have weathered one or more crises during which they nearly called it quits. The same is true of the longstanding gay couples who are friends of mine.

It takes a varying combination of things: desire, fear, commitment, luck (that one can't be discounted) .

One of the most important is probably knowing when to keep your mouth shut (one-way constructive criticism), and when to talk (2 way constructive conversation).

What little I know of it come from observation and error.

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Jan 09, 2009 7:52 PM GMT

btw, rigsby - ten years from now you're going to think you were really young today!

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Jan 09, 2009 8:20 PM GMT

I got married (to a woman) when I was 26yo. She was 19 years my senior. It worked out great. The ONLY reason I am not with her is because I lied to myself about who I was.

Today I love a man 10 years my junior. He actually thinks I look better than most guys. Age has nothign to do with love.

Love and the relationship is built on physical attraction, mental and emotional attraction and loylaty to one another. Stay loyal when you find that man, and no matter your ages are you can make it work.

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Jan 09, 2009 10:19 PM GMT

This post answers a lot of the previous threads. I believe in love REAL LOVE, not the stereo type where you suppose to live in a dream of happiness and romanticism (Lame)

This also proves that age difference has nothing to do with staying together or healthy relationship, EVERYONE can do it! Once you have doubt or forget about faith, then you have a problem.

RIGSBY - on of the best post I seen in the last months. THANK YOU!

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Jan 09, 2009 10:26 PM GMT

cowboyo saidMost of the straight couples I know who have had long marriages have weathered one or more crises during which they nearly called it quits. The same is true of the longstanding gay couples who are friends of mine.

It takes a varying combination of things: desire, fear, commitment, luck (that one can't be discounted) .

One of the most important is probably knowing when to keep your mouth shut (one-way constructive criticism), and when to talk (2 way constructive conversation).

What little I know of it come from observation and error.

I like your comment about when to keep your mouth shut, and when you need to speak up. I could not agree more, and it is something you learn in a relationship, it is not something you can remember in the "heat of the moment" from a self-help book.

I believe that is one of the reasons why most people have to go through 3 or 4 failed relationships before hitting on the right one. For me it was two prior boyfriends before my partner.

Thank you rigsby for posting this. I have become fatigued hearing from gay men that LTR are impossible between two guys. Not only are they possible but they are more common then people think. The couples though seem to not circulate as much in the gay community, but settle down and socialize with other couples.

thisguy023

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Jan 09, 2009 10:43 PM GMT

I believe one way to have a long relationship is to agree on a set of rules early on and stick with them. Relationships seem to fail when one person in a relationship decides to change the rules and fails to inform the other person.

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Jan 10, 2009 2:24 PM GMT

I intended this as one of those "feel good" posts that, although not for everyone, show these relationships can work and do work. Also, they're not as isolated as many would have us believe.

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Jan 10, 2009 2:50 PM GMT

Almost 12 years here and going strong....as if it was the first year. It's tough to explain, but it's all about chemistry and never losing your individuality. Any questions, just ask since every relationship is so different. Thanks for the post!!

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Jan 10, 2009 5:32 PM GMT

animanimus saidlove the commitment & loyalty. love the long term camaraderie. i have many long term friendships, some dating back to the sandbox, which i hold in highest regard. it is wonderful to be able to enjoy a lifetime of shared experience. as to extreme age difference, i could see it working in platonic or non-monogamous relationships. i could not see me enjoying sex with someone 39 years my senior (not one, but two generations apart) and i wouldn't expect a sexually active 53 year old to be satisfied by what's left of my 92 year old body.

I don't want to sound cynical but feel good posts are for the WE channel and chick flicks. Yes I believe many gay men can have and do have great LTRs but there have been studies that show that co-dependency actually helps keep a relationship together (straight or gay). That does not suggests that two independent people can't make a relationship work for the long haul but there is a reason people seek out co-dependency. I'm a bit skeptical that a relationship with a 40 year age gap is the portrait of romantic bliss.

Great friendships can span all ages and if gay men saw their relationships more as friendships and less as a Hollywood romance they would probably last longer even if the sex died and there was no co-dependency. But then the only difference I see between a great long term friendship and an LTR that is no longer sexual is that the latter involves co-habitation and lots of compromise.

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Jan 10, 2009 5:46 PM GMT

feel good posts are for the WE channel and chick flicks

Hey, I reserve the right to feel good now and then. But the above comments make me wonder: is there a specific place for "feel bad" posts?!

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Jan 10, 2009 6:23 PM GMT

cowboyo saidfeel good posts are for the WE channel and chick flicks

Hey, I reserve the right to feel good now and then. But the above comments make me wonder: is there a specific place for "feel bad" posts?!

Feel good then if you want and no there is no place for a feel bad post either. All feel good or feel bad post deserves a reality check. What is feel good to one person gives a false sense of hope for another. The WE channel is designed to make lonely women feel they can ignore the perfectly nice guy next door and fall in love with a voice they hear on the radio from someone living in Seattle.

A post like this is great for the 50 or 60 something to justify a profile looking for an LTR with a hot muscle stud 20-40 years old while turning down a lonely guy closer to their age and fitness level that has a kind heart.

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Jan 10, 2009 8:52 PM GMT

A post like this is great for the 50 or 60 something to justify a profile looking for an LTR with a hot muscle stud 20-40 years old while turning down a lonely guy closer to their age and fitness level that has a kind heart.

Well. I didn't take that away from the OP. Responding to recent posts about whether
a) long term relationships were even possible for gay couples and
b) a large difference in age between two people could ever lead to a good relationship,

rigsby told a story that demonstrated both things are possible. That's it.

The comments following from most everyone else likewise do not promote the "May-December" coupling (to borrow an expression older than any of us.)

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Jan 10, 2009 9:20 PM GMT

pedroc954 saidAlmost 12 years here and going strong....as if it was the first year. It's tough to explain, but it's all about chemistry and never losing your individuality. Any questions, just ask since every relationship is so different. Thanks for the post!!

By the way, forgot to mention that my partner and I are both 40 years old..Not saying that a significant age gap results in either LTR or quick endings...but in my opinion, the more you have in common, coupled with chemistry the better the chances to create history together.

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Jan 10, 2009 11:40 PM GMT

Anniman...I'm very sorry to hear that you've lost two lovers. It sounds like your relationships were happy and healthy. I read your post in another thread defending bi men and I agree with you. I really wouldn't care if I guy I dated were bi but so many people here you it as a reason not to date.

I'm not saying LTRs are not possible for gay men, clearly they are or we would not be having the fight over marriage. I am sure relationships with large age gaps can work too. We can all find anecdotal evidence and say "hey see it works!" Its like playing the lottery. Someone always wins but nearly everyone looses.

What I have a problem with is that too many of us find far too many superficial reasons not to date someone. So many of us are guilty of making a decision to date or not in a matter of minutes. "Not my type" NEXT! I remember developing a crush on a guy and finding out I was not his type because I didn't have a big belly. He is a young fit guy who like guys in the 40 to early 50 range but heavy set not thin muscular guys like me. So I guess one day he'll find his big belly bear and live happily ever after. And to all those mature big belly bears who only date young fit guys, LINE UP and wait your turn!

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Jan 10, 2009 11:43 PM GMT

rigsby saidGood morning. The two topics I posted are similar to questions that frequently appear in the FORUMS. As many of you may recall my partner and I are really old and have been together a really long time. We're pictured together at a golf outing in my profile pics.

We attended a party last night celebrating some friends' tenth anniversary with 48 total guests. I thought you might like to hear some of the statistics that emerged from one of the host's toasts. BTW the 10-year couple are 85 years old and 49 years old. Of the 22 couples in attendance (yes, there were a few singles), one other couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary this same week. They are 92 y.o. & 53 y.o.. There were ten couples that will be celebrating an anniversary this year between 20 & 39 years inclusive. There were an additional SIX of us couples that will celebrate 40 years or more together this year. And the longest term relationship was 48 years...both partners of which are healthy and still going very strong!

So is he too old/young for you? Heavens, NO! Can this really turn into a LTR? Absolutely!

cute (:

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Jan 11, 2009 2:34 AM GMT

in my opinion, the more you have in common, coupled with chemistry the better the chances to create history together.

Ah, yes, Pedro - but interesting chemistry often comes about when uncommon ingredients are combined. So, the balance between the cement of commonalities and the forming fire of contrasts.

BOOM! Sometimes bad boom, sometimes good boom. But the boom can be more interesting than the beaker of an inert compound. (Corrections from you chemists are welcome ...)

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Jan 11, 2009 3:49 AM GMT

Rigsby - thanks for posting your story!
I think there are many more stories like the one you shared.

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Jan 11, 2009 4:40 AM GMT

Awesome post. Of course when dealing with human behavior - eyeryone has their likes and dislikes but at the end of the day relationships are only as complicated as they are made to be. Anything is possible but it depends on how open you are to the possibility and that depends on being open minded or having a mind full of must-be's...which ultimately are restrictions that...oh jeeez..I'll shut up now.

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Jan 11, 2009 5:01 AM GMT

Rigsby,thanks for an interesting post,It may be of help to some folk but relationship are so complicated and often people are not aware of their own motives.
Just the fact that a couple are together after some time one should not assume that they are living "happily ever after" people change,its the nature of things,and if there was a time when everything appeared perfect be content to remember those moments,and value them.

"May and December " can work but there is always a bittersweet quality about them as many writers have shown in the past.

Collette"s "Cherie" is a good example !

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Nov 22, 2011 12:56 AM GMT

As an old guy who likes younger guys and is looking for a REAL relationship, this thread is very encouraging. Thanks rigsby!

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Is he too old/young for me? Do LTR relationships really exist?