Advise beyond Dear Margo

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    Jan 15, 2009 8:38 PM GMT
    Read the Bear Margo" and give your input. Did she advise him correctly? What would you have told the guy to do?

    DEAR MARGO: I grew up in the rural portion of a southern state. I always knew I was gay, but I tried hard not to be for many years, which resulted in a failed marriage to a woman and more self-hatred and heartache than I care to remember.

    A few years ago, I decided to stop living a lie and I came out, met an amazing partner and relocated to Massachusetts, where we were married. I'm happy to report that my ex-wife and I are even closer friends than we ever were before (which I realize makes me a very lucky man). Before I made my great escape, there was an ugly incident from which I am still trying to recover.

    The last time I saw my grandmother, she didn't hug me back when I greeted her. Someone had outed me to her, and my father's sister, who still lives at home, informed me that I was no longer welcome there. My grandmother, who I'd always thought of as wise and loving, just sat by and watched her daughter make "the hit." That was nearly three years ago, but I still find myself reliving that crushing moment.

    Here's what I'm wrestling with at the moment: My grandmother is not well. I know I can forgive, in time, and that it would behoove me to do just that, but re-establishing communication is a separate issue. Part of me feels I will regret it if I don't call her, but the other part of me is painfully aware that phone lines run in both directions and that I didn't do anything wrong. I worry that calling would mean pretending that nothing happened. Any thoughts?


    DEAR TRY: Calling in no way means pretending nothing happened; it is just a call. Because your grandmother is not well, you might say you wanted to let her know you are sorry her health is failing. If she freezes you out, you will still have done the right thing: You will have tried to let her make things right. Three years is a long time, so it's definitely worth a try. With luck, your aunt will not be part of the conversation, and it's my guess she was the judgmental one.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Jan 15, 2009 8:40 PM GMT
    Sounds like good advice to me. Someone has to make the first move.