What should I do next?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2014 1:19 AM GMT
    I'm new to dating men and I am at a loss (and perhaps a little stupid!)

    I met this guy who was quite friendly with me from the first moment. People in our joint social network have been questioning why he is so friendly with me, because usually he is a little "difficult" with people. We have met a few times in social setting and he has been interested in my personal life. He has asked me several times if I have a girlfriend and if "it is a problem for me to invite people over to my house" and so forth. And he also told me he is single and "hates family life". (He is around 40 and not married.)

    And then I totally ignored him at a social event, because alongside being friendly he was having a "Im so superior" attitude towards me that I didn't like. We exchanged some hostile looks a as a result. (not so wise perhaps, but that's how it happened)

    We met a couple of times in social setting after that and now he is nervous as hell around me. He doesn't sit still, fiddles with stuff, has a hard time talking and gets up and leaves in a hurry all of a sudden. He nearly tripped himself over in front of me once. One of the times he barely talked to me, but when we parted and I shook his hand to say goodbye, he pulled my arm towards him very gently. And he always says "ok, see you" when we part. Sometimes he gives me the eyes when he says so.

    After this I made a point of getting his phone number and we have been chatting a little over Whatsapp. I have told him I find him interesting and suggested we may have some common ground and that I would like to get to know him better. That I want to meet just the two of us, and he says sure we will do that soon. (Neither have said directly that there is a romantic/sexual interest present).

    He is a pretty busy person, sometimes he is out of town. It's been 4 weeks since we last met. I should add that we live in a somewhat gay hostile environment, so we would have to keep things secret if we where to get serious.

    Is he interested in me?

    If so, how do I proceed?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    Just saying you don't have to date just him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2014 6:27 AM GMT
    You are listing as your location: Copenhagen, Denmark. And you are writing about this being "somewhat gay hostile environment".

    If you live in Copenhagen, and happen to be in a gay hostile environment, consider changing it. There are quite a few options around. Not purely because you may want to live openly as a gay man, but because prohibitive environments are seriously detrimental to your well-being, productivity and creativity, to name the few.

    Judging by your description here, this 40 y.o. dude is as clueless when it comes to dating as you profess to be.

    Remember that sex, love and life favor the brave. So, ask your kinda friend for drinks, Bucks or movies. Tell him you'd like to spend some time with himicon_smile.gif. See where this goes?

    I, in the meantime, am thanking all the Gods for letting me live here, in Spain. We simply say "cojones, hombre, cojones"...


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2014 9:38 AM GMT
    Well since your in India do I presume he is Indian or at least a resident of India? Meaning he has lived his life in this hostile environment?

    If so this may account for his previous behaviors and have a bearing on future behaviors.

    I would say there is interest in you, perhaps infatuation a crush... nervous behavior is typical of the condition.

    If he is a native/resident of the region, it is highly possible he is predominately or totally still in the closet. If so he may be at a loss on how to proceed.

    Understand if he is in the closet, his dating another man runs risks for him.

    Other factors that MAY be in play, he might be a passive fellow, shy or introverted. It is not too uncommon for anger/hostility to be the mask this type of person wears just to make it through day to day life. It may seem strange, but its all about self defense mechanisms. We find patterns of behaviors that make living easier and we use them.

    It also means he may be naturally prone to not initiate, or leap at anything. Meaning he needs a leader to lead in this particular dance. icon_wink.gif

    If you are interested in a romantic/sexual based relationship then you should tell him. Word to the wise, do not TEXT that type of information. Say it to him directly in a non-public place that way there is no written record and he will be able to read your body language, facial expressions and tone of voice to weight the truth of those words.

    Next time you see him at a party, ask him if he wants to go outside and get a breath of fresh air. That will most likely give you a place to have this talk.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2014 12:48 PM GMT
    Gay guys have lived in hostile environment for the better part of modern history. No doubt, life gets somewhat easier if the environment is liberal.

    Yet, no amount of hostility has really ever stopped gay guys from enjoying themselves if they chose to do so.

    Try to adapt to the environment. Being openly gay as you would be in say, Copenhagen is not an option. But having an exciting private life is.

    Part with your notions of gay life as you know it, based on your previous experience in Europe or in the Americas. Simply, drop the gay out out of your vocabulary for the time being.

    Spend some time socializing with the guy, and let him know that you are absolutely discrete. Make sure that he sees that you perfectly understand the societal conditions of the place where you live and work. Promote the idea that it is sex that we all need, and love. If done privately, behind the doors of your private bedroom, nothing else will happen, and both of you will enjoy having a fulfilled, good life. You are looking forward to having a good time together rather than upending the social order or anyone's position in their respective lives.

    Most gay hostile environments do not actively oppose any form of sexual activity between two men, as long as they do not give them a good reason that they want to leave the boundaries of their private lives, and challenge the prevailing societal views.


  • Sunny_x9

    Posts: 97

    Nov 06, 2014 3:23 AM GMT