How Can I Forget My 5 Years Love!?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 12:16 AM GMT
    I haven't been in this website since 4-5 years ago! ... that's the time when I started to be happy with my sexual orientation.I hope it is good to be back.

    Anyway, those days I met a married guy who seemed very charming to me. I was crazy about him and I was after him. I dated him for more than one year and 90% of what we did those days was sex. I always had a wish to have more than that with him and I wasn't interested to meet any other guy. I expressed to him my feelings, but he explained to me that his social status doesn't allow him to be in relationship with a guy and he has other sexual partners who can't leave. However, it was difficult but fine to me to be just a friend with him. The situation remained the same till a few months later when I got a very annoying STD. I was full of frustration and it was tough time for me and he thought I got the disease because of dating other guys...etc. So, I decided to quit this painful friendship.

    16 months later, he contacted me and insisted to meet for a cup of coffee. I wasn't happy to accept it but I did. He kept inviting me in the next month, weeks, days. It was ok for me to meet him as he seemed nicer than before and we didn't have anything intimate. Then, he suggested to travel together with him for a 2 weeks vacation. It sounded interesting to me, so we went on that trip where he started to open and discuss the past. I wasn't really comfortable to re-think of that subject. Although it didn't mean anything to me at that time and I had no desire for drama and relationships. Moreover, I was dating some good guys. However, I found it kinda sensitive and upsetting matter to talk about. I hated the way he insisted for discussion. Even worse; He kept appologizing all the time. I liked the days of that trip but not the nights.

    A few weeks later we were together one evening after work, I got severe food poisoning. He took care of me that night and the day after (he is a doctor). In the days after, we met more in the evenings, weekends... etc. Somehow, I started to like that guy again and started to develop some sort of intimacy. The guy seemed nicer than anytime before and he loved to share all life aspects with me.

    I wasn't really sure if I was doing the right thing because my view of affection, dating and relationships had changed over the time. On the other hand, he was longing to be the only bf. He always repeated that his marriage doesn't mean anything to him any more now, as his wife and family live thousands of miles away and he sees them a few months every year. This sounded attractive to me, despite of various worries I had regarding my messed up concept of relations, his marriage,our families and friends. I clarified all my concerns to this guy, but he insisted on "trying" to be boyfriends. I believe it was a very brave step from my side to accept the offer.

    Though we are both "straight acting" and in the closet, I think our families and friends sensed what's going on. When his wife and son come to visit him, they seemed to be frustrated to see the husband/father is "very close" and caring about a male friend. I introduced my bf to some of my family members as a friend. The reaction on my father's eyes was obviously negative and I noticed the same thing about my sisters, though nobody complained about it. My work friends saw my bf in weekend excursions. Some of the guys said homophobic things as jokes. Internally, I wasn't confident about myself being in a monogamous relation.

    All of these factors made me hesitated and unstable, which led me to look for sexual partners or sometimes emotional partners from time to time. I see myself getting into sexual addiction cycles, sadness and depression cycles. The number of sexual partners has doubled several times compared to before re- establishing this relationship. I've encountered these cycles twice so far. I informed my bf about it each time and told him that we should break up the relationship. He was frustrated, angry, aggressive to know this. At the same time, he was strongly insisting to keep the relationship and try to maintain it.

    I was convinced to try, but not anymore. The past of this relationship has an untreatble influence on my view of monogamy. Also, nothing from the surrounding people is encouraging such a relationship. Now, I am just running away from this guy. I don't want to inform him that I am going through a 3rd and worse cycle. This keeps me very sad and frustrated and I hate to transmit these feelings to him. Although I love him, I see this as the only exit and I think he deserves a better partner. I want to quit seeing him and seeing any other guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 2:49 PM GMT
    Who is the good man?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 3:31 PM GMT
    you may consider coming out to your family / some friends. It would give you some support and you could talk to someone where and who you were with Friday night. I think everyone knows.

    I met my current partner of 5 years while i was still married. Than again i knew i was very gay and my current straight marriage was over. I wanted a divorce. The gay partner introduced me to his lawyer friend and he left me for 9months while i went through a divorce.

    my divorce was more painful than expected and no one has their emotions more in check than me.

    your married bf is gay and will always be calling on the joe. If not you than someone else. Have a sit dwn and explain the facts of life with him. Bring him into a lawyer's office for an hour or two, he can afford it so he can get an education. He will have to take care of his children. His wife will likely express her dismay in odd ways... Both me & my wife used the same lawyer.

    If not you than it will be some one else will drive him away from his wife. You said you met some nice gay men, maybe this is the path for you.

    best wishes for the new year.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 11:59 PM GMT
    find another good man