"Ugly" or "Unhealthy": Is the LGBT community secretly fat-shaming?

  • ThatSwimmerGu...

    Posts: 3762

    Feb 28, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
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    Feb 28, 2015 6:09 PM GMT
    I just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.
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    Feb 28, 2015 6:28 PM GMT
    ^ Raises hand in a flash! Me! Me! Me!
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    Feb 28, 2015 6:31 PM GMT
    ThatSwimmerGuy saidBpfz2a7.gif?1
    Henry, how did you find this disgusting clip? What possible terms could you search on?
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    Feb 28, 2015 6:34 PM GMT
    strongbull said
    __morphic__ said
    pazzy said

    No, I'm talking about the first time I started posting and you went out your way to inform me of what I should and shouldn't say like what you've done to other posters. When I got defensive because I was wondering why you somehow someway seem to have a problem with what I was saying and completely ignoring others who were really saying offensive shit where they were your buddies, you had the nerve to tell me off so I just told you to stop.



    That sounds like Cash. I think he did the same thing to many other new members, including me. The bully moderator that no one ever asked for.icon_rolleyes.gif


    There definitely has been a pattern. Including comments about weight.


    Odd - I have never noticed that -although I have only been here for a couple years.
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    Feb 28, 2015 6:44 PM GMT
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.

    Thoughts -
    1. Don't talk "online" with someone your intrerested in for 6 months. Try using skype so you can actually see each other while actually SPEAKING instead of writing. If the reason for your rejection is what you think, it would have happened a lot earlier. There is so much one sees in another when you are with them in person or even a skype connection, that you would never learn by messaging him
    2. There are literally millions of gay guys in the US who do not require a set of abs in a partner, and who have "average looking" partners. The basis for thier relationships is not based on looks, but on character and personality. However, if you will only accept someone with a great body, you probably have to have one yourself.

    3. You are a great looking guy. You should do well in the dating sphere in Chicago, where there are a lot of gay men.
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    Feb 28, 2015 7:28 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs27 said^^^
    That is unfortunate.. I know once people get older exercising just isn't an option do to just aging. I know my parents can't do much of the running and treadmill stuff anymore themselves.

    All variables aside, going by the posters age, I assume he's referring to the general, majority LGBT age group.



    This is just an excuse when people say that they can not exercise because they are too old. I say, "don't die before your dead." Maybe you can't run a half marathon, but there are other things one can do to remain active such as swimming, biking, walking. My dad still goes for walks with his cane at 89 years old. He still drives and in the winter time when it's cold, he drives to Menards and walks up and down all the ailes or he goes to the mall and walks around the entire mall, which is 1 mile. There's even a guy who's 86 years old and still does triathlons. If you stay active and continue to train and eat healthy, many can still race in triathlons in their 80's yet. Biking is also an exercise that older people can still do.
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    Feb 28, 2015 8:24 PM GMT
    I think there's two sides to it tho. If someone is gaining weight it could be a symptom of stress or another condition. It's safe to say he may have been embarrassed during the meal. At the end of the day it's not healthy yet it seems like being overweight is the only thing we can still talk about. All this could be thought about an anorexic person but as long as they're cute no one really cares about the persons health.
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    Feb 28, 2015 8:45 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.

    Thoughts -
    1. Don't talk "online" with someone your intrerested in for 6 months. Try using skype so you can actually see each other while actually SPEAKING instead of writing. If the reason for your rejection is what you think, it would have happened a lot earlier. There is so much one sees in another when you are with them in person or even a skype connection, that you would never learn by messaging him
    2. There are literally millions of gay guys in the US who do not require a set of abs in a partner, and who have "average looking" partners. The basis for thier relationships is not based on looks, but on character and personality. However, if you will only accept someone with a great body, you probably have to have one yourself.

    3. You are a great looking guy. You should do well in the dating sphere in Chicago, where there are a lot of gay men.
    You're absolutely right. What's funny is I always insist on skyping/phoning when doing anything involve online/distance, but for some reason I didn't with this guy. I dunno why I didn't. It was always an issue in the back of my head, but when he offered to come see me I kind of just let it go.

    I tend to always criticize myself physically. It's stems from mental issues I have over being overweight. I also have flaws I'm very self-conscious about. Stretch marks, loose skin around the tummy. Things guys even today will point and comment on.

    You're right, it probably had nothing to do with how I look. I sent him a picture of me the night before we met, but in my head that is the only problem. Right now I'm not really lean, I'm more muscular/beefy, abs are barely visible and yet I feel like I'm too fat for the guys I want.
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    Feb 28, 2015 10:24 PM GMT
    Spiritreaver said...yet I feel like I'm too fat for the guys I want.


    No not at all
    It's because you're too short.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 28, 2015 10:30 PM GMT
    Spiritreaver said
    HikerSkier said
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.

    Thoughts -
    1. Don't talk "online" with someone your intrerested in for 6 months. Try using skype so you can actually see each other while actually SPEAKING instead of writing. If the reason for your rejection is what you think, it would have happened a lot earlier. There is so much one sees in another when you are with them in person or even a skype connection, that you would never learn by messaging him
    2. There are literally millions of gay guys in the US who do not require a set of abs in a partner, and who have "average looking" partners. The basis for thier relationships is not based on looks, but on character and personality. However, if you will only accept someone with a great body, you probably have to have one yourself.

    3. You are a great looking guy. You should do well in the dating sphere in Chicago, where there are a lot of gay men.
    You're absolutely right. What's funny is I always insist on skyping/phoning when doing anything involve online/distance, but for some reason I didn't with this guy. I dunno why I didn't. It was always an issue in the back of my head, but when he offered to come see me I kind of just let it go.

    I tend to always criticize myself physically. It's stems from mental issues I have over being overweight. I also have flaws I'm very self-conscious about. Stretch marks, loose skin around the tummy. Things guys even today will point and comment on.

    You're right, it probably had nothing to do with how I look. I sent him a picture of me the night before we met, but in my head that is the only problem. Right now I'm not really lean, I'm more muscular/beefy, abs are barely visible and yet I feel like I'm too fat for the guys I want.


    Yeek, but you're so attractive.
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    Feb 28, 2015 11:31 PM GMT
    I think it is more of a communal obsession with superficiality (physically, materially, etc.). The "ugly" or "unhealthy" debate is just a dimension of this obsession.
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    Feb 28, 2015 11:34 PM GMT
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.


    You must be joking?
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    Mar 01, 2015 12:09 AM GMT
    I was fat-shamed by my closest friend....and I will always be grateful.

    He had not seen me in the year after my parents died. When he did see me he said it bluntly:

    "Where's my fit friend? I know you've been depressed but you've got to snap out of it and get your body back."

    He cared enough about me to risk the awkward confrontation. As I say, I will always be grateful.
  • ThatSwimmerGu...

    Posts: 3762

    Mar 01, 2015 1:10 AM GMT
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.
    There are plenty of men out there. I thought I'd never find someone that I like but I eventually found somebody and now I have a boyfriend. Keep your eyes open for somebody. You're a great guy and deserve a guy who loves you and feels just as strong of a connection as you do.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 667

    Mar 01, 2015 2:58 AM GMT
    I was thin in high school. Played tennis 4-5x/week, 5'11 155. I started to gain weight in college. Came out at 22, kept gaining weight. Lost weight only to regain several times. At 30, I lost 50bs to get down to 198 using Weight Watchers.

    During these times I was exercising very regularly, but would feel defeated due to injuries and the weight would return. It took about 20 years to find the right combination of treatments (trainer, chiropractic, physical therapy, massage therapy) so that my back could withstand any cardiovascular exercise (spasms) or lift weights.

    In the mean time, I gained more weight. I finally decided to have a gastric bypass which has helped immensely but not solved the problem entirely. I went from 348-->220 seven years ago. It was not an easy journey as I had to have two surgeries due to obstructions. About four years ago, I resumed playing tennis. I had stopped playing tennis 25 years earlier when my brother died. He had been my nemesis on the court. I continue to play racquetball, having started regular play about 24 years ago. I average two-three times a week playing tennis (1.5-2.5 hours indoors in winter and outdoors in summer) and once/week @ racquetball (45 minutes-1 hour). I am now 240 lbs. Probably the best looking 240 lbs I could be. I really like my legs, my chest is huge, but I still have a belly larger than I'd like. If I lost 50 lbs, I would play tennis a lot better and decrease the risk of injury to my knees.

    Why do I say all this? To counter the bullshit stereotypes about overweight people being lazy. There was nothing lazy about me. I worked harder than most guys whose physiques are great, trying to figure out what would work. At this stage, I'm 57, a single professional and still considered obese, although I am probably as fit as I've been since high school.

    I am nuts about playing tennis and enjoy racquetball immensely. The gastric bypass enabled me to return to sport. Sport is my motivation to work out. Without tennis and racquetball, I wouldn't lift weights, improve my flexibility or do cardio training.

    Given all that I have said, some of you may wonder if I have the same fat phobia that many other gay men have. Yes. I definitely am more attracted to slender, younger men. I have been ever since I can remember. And my attractions haven't changed with age. And sometimes I judge overweight men even though I am overweight.

    What has changed is my attitudes toward attraction. Attractions are the source of great fantasy, but relying on attraction as a guide to choosing partners hasn't done me a lot of good. The men I have been most attracted to have not been good for me at all. I had one partner who was much younger and very attractive to me. We had a great time in bed and woke up in each other's arms. I was nuts about him. Unfortunately, our relationship didn't work well for either of us during daylight hours and we argued. He suicided several years after we broke up. What I have decided is that there are many more important things than attraction that make a relationship good. And there is more than one kind of attraction.

    I am currently pursuing a bearded man who is quite obese who is 62 because he is a wonderful kind, loving man who does a lot to care for himself. One thing I noticed is that I light up whenever I see him. My heart feels good. That's why I am persistently, but gently engaging him. It may not work out, but I like the direction I am going.

    If I had my druthers, I would find a man who was sweet, 30, slender, smooth shaven, and lively. Just not happening. It didn't happen when I was 25 or 40. I doubt it is going to happen now. Not impossible, but very unlikely (I have a friend who is 77 whose partner is 39, both are overweight). I have decided to look further than my attractions.

    Judgments are not a problem. Being judgmental is a big problem. Those are two different things. When someone is judgmental, they stop listening and understanding; they believe they know things for which they have zero evidence. When someone is judgmental, they attribute negative qualities to someone based on very limited knowledge. Judgments are a big part of decision making; we all need to decide what works for us and what doesn't. I decided long ago that I wouldn't want to date a smoker. That wouldn't work for me. I have met some very nice men who smoke, but I still wouldn't want to date them. I don't tolerate smoke and I don't have to.

    All in all, I'd say that the LGBT community is not secretly fat-shaming. It is plainly overt. I think gay men find many reasons to reject one another. This is the legacy of growing up in isolation, growing up hating ourselves for being what has been despised. There is a great deal of change in the last 35 years since I came out, but old habits die hard.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1858

    Mar 01, 2015 6:34 AM GMT
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.


    rdberg1957 said snip

    That was very inspiring to read how you never gave up. icon_smile.gif I wish you all the best and more to come. And hope things work out between you and your love interest. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 01, 2015 6:50 AM GMT
    ThatSwimmerGuy said
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.
    There are plenty of men out there. I thought I'd never find someone that I like but I eventually found somebody and now I have a boyfriend. Keep your eyes open for somebody. You're a great guy and deserve a guy who loves you and feels just as strong of a connection as you do.

    Erection is as important.
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    Mar 01, 2015 6:54 AM GMT
    BIG_N_TALL said
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.


    You must be joking?

    You need to understand the kind of guy he would be going after. Those with six pack abs, perfect body etc. So for us he would be the hottest guy here, but for guys who are used to dating guys like him, he is just another guy.
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    Mar 01, 2015 6:57 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    Spiritreaver saidI just got rejected by a guy I met after talking online with for like 6 months. I'm 100% sure "I didn't feel a connection" just means "I don't like your looks".

    I really hate being gay. It's just dumb. God forbid you don't always have a set of abs. I'm one of those, beefy in the winter, ripped in the summer kinda guys. I need my shit foods.

    Surely there's someone out there that likes that too.


    rdberg1957 said snip

    That was very inspiring to read how you never gave up. icon_smile.gif I wish you all the best and more to come. And hope things work out between you and your love interest. icon_smile.gif


    I actually like guys who are funny and most seem to have a few extra pounds or maybe even over weight. Many of whom I have inspired, helped them with diet and exercise tips and they have in turn helped me to be a more open person.

    I am not sure what it is about this one guy I dated who was and still is overweight, but he reached out to me when I was in some emotional pain, held my hand and gave me a big bear hug and for some reason....nothing else mattered!

    Sadly, he has so many health issues because of his mismanaged blood sugar we are unable to have a happy and normal relationship. He agrees and we tried. So there you have it. No cry babies here, do what's right and safe guard your relationship and eat good and live long!
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    Mar 01, 2015 9:19 AM GMT
    SamRising saidI was fat-shamed by my closest friend....and I will always be grateful.

    He had not seen me in the year after my parents died. When he did see me he said it bluntly:

    "Where's my fit friend? I know you've been depressed but you've got to snap out of it and get your body back."

    He cared enough about me to risk the awkward confrontation. As I say, I will always be grateful.


    Wow. Cool that you guys have each other. No friend of mine would say anything like that & I wouldn't to any friend of mine either. People don't "snap out" of depression dude. Much less for somebody who wants your "hotter" body back. That's why I say I'm glad you have each other. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Been peeking out of the closet for 3 weeks as of today & I'm so ready to run back inside. What a twisted value system I've been observing.
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    Mar 01, 2015 9:23 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    Spiritreaver said...yet I feel like I'm too fat for the guys I want.


    No not at all
    It's because you're too short.


    Really. Horribly disgusting.
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    Mar 01, 2015 9:30 AM GMT
    GoCardinalsGo said
    SamRising saidI was fat-shamed by my closest friend....and I will always be grateful.


    Been peeking out of the closet for 3 weeks as of today & I'm so ready to run back inside. What a twisted value system I've been observing.

    Back into the closet? That's a stupid idea unless you are going to become a celibate priest.

    There are millions of gays out there - and they come in all different flavors. "Twisted value system"? Not wise to make a judgment about all of them based on what you read on this site.
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    Mar 01, 2015 10:02 AM GMT
    Cash said
    strongbull said
    __morphic__ said
    pazzy said

    No, I'm talking about the first time I started posting and you went out your way to inform me of what I should and shouldn't say like what you've done to other posters. When I got defensive because I was wondering why you somehow someway seem to have a problem with what I was saying and completely ignoring others who were really saying offensive shit where they were your buddies, you had the nerve to tell me off so I just told you to stop.



    That sounds like Cash. I think he did the same thing to many other new members, including me. The bully moderator that no one ever asked for.icon_rolleyes.gif


    There definitely has been a pattern. Including comments about weight.


    I don't even know you and have had nothing to do with you at all.

    I exchanged a few words with morphic over some minor pile of nothing and it was forgotten about in 10 seconds.

    My suggestion to pazzy when he first got here and was offending EVERYONE with his death threats and insistence on mandating how a group of Guys who already knew each other and had established a sort of online relationship interact with each other was to get to know the people he was interfering with. I thought he would have a better experience if he were not so combative with EVERYONE in EVERY thread he invaded.

    He was not repeatedly banned for being the lone voice of reason ya know...

    I don't make comments about weight on any regular basis. It's not even something that has any effect on My life. I think it is unhealthy and may indicate deeper issues but I don't go around making fun of anyone because of it, or their looks in general.

    I have said about a trillion times now, there is someone for everybody and there is room for everybody.


    Right, you don't know me, but you still sent me some very nasty comments when I first joined RJ. Comments about my picture, weight, etc, with no provocation. Then when I called you on it and complained, you came back and apologized and tried to gloss it over. But why do that in the first place? I see now that is your MO. I actually could care less, and since then I have come to understand all your issues better. But it doesn't make it right. Be careful what you do in private messages because it eventually comes out and shows your character.
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    Mar 01, 2015 10:58 AM GMT
    strongbull said
    Right, you don't know me, but you still sent me some very nasty comments when I first joined RJ. Comments about my picture, weight, etc, with no provocation. Then when I called you on it and complained, you came back and apologized and tried to gloss it over. But why do that in the first place? I see now that is your MO. I actually could care less, and since then I have come to understand all your issues better. But it doesn't make it right. Be careful what you do in private messages because it eventually comes out and shows your character.

    That's the path Cash usually follows where he would attack some stranger, play victim and apologize. Why do it in the first place? For a grown up man, he sure doesn't act his age.