Telling girls you're gay to save friendship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2015 11:11 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    A big problem for me, and I'm sure for some of you, is that I don't often think about how my actions are interrupted by girls. As a gay man I'm just not in the mindset to think that when I ask a girl to hangout that they might be interrupting that as I'm interested in them.

    The problem is that when you tell a girl no it seems as most of them interrupt that as there is something wrong with them, or they aren't good enough. If you tell them you're gay they may be sad initially but at least they won't feel as bad. Going with my heart rather than my mind I have opted to tell a few girls that I'm gay. I feel like I did the right thing, but I also know the risk if someone heard through grapevine--especially in the workplace.

    A few weeks ago one of my better friends admitted that she has had feeling for me for a while now. I was shocked and I didn't respond very well, but I did tell her that I needed to tell her something. I planned on telling her I was gay so she doesn't think anything is her fault. I thought about it, and I decided it would be best not to tell her due to a rooming situation I have for next year. Long story short I invited her to grab something quick to eat with me a few days ago and she thought we were going on a date. This morning I woke up to a text in which she called me an asshole. It really does hurt me because we have been friends for many years. I want so badly to just tell her, but I'm in a really tough spot

    My questions for you guys:
    Do you often tell girls you're gay so they don't feel bad?

    By telling girls you're gay do you find it to strengthen your relationship as friends?

    When you're worried about this person telling other people you're gay do you tell them anyways or do you go with your mind that says not to?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2015 2:05 AM GMT
    Best to come out - but it seems you don't want to for whatever reason.

    I can't even imagine what it is like to ge 20 and in college. But if you are afraid to be generally out (the "roommate" situation for next year, I assume). You can't go around telling 20 year old girls on campus that you are gay. What are the oldest most reliable means of communication? telegraph, telephone, and tell-a-girl. If you tell a girl you are gay, and she is not your only long time bosom buddy, you might as well plaster the news on a billboard.

    Think of some reason why you are not available to her - like you have a long standing relationship going in another part of the country.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2015 6:37 PM GMT
    You may want to remember that your sexual orientation happens to be your private, intimate matter. Sharing it with other people is your good right but never your duty.

    There is no virtue in hurting other people. It is also easy to understand that you choose to tell the girls who may be interested in you that you are not available. Yet, taking care of the others does not have to come at any cost to you.

    Consider telling the girls who may be interested in dating you that you are simply not available. You have made commitment to someone else, and you wish to keep your word. Everyone should be able to understand this.

    Life becomes somewhat easier if you are out to everybody who cares to know only and only if you are in the position to do so without reasonably fearing any negative consequences for yourself. Politically, this is a wrong view. In practical life, unless you are a dedicated activist, you would want to mind your best interest first.


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    Feb 27, 2015 6:52 PM GMT
    This is why I sorta learned from when I was younger that you should know HOW TO SAY NO.
    To me, I don't feel like I owe them any explanation about my sexuality. AT ALL.

    Let me share some stories.
    It happened to me too when I was younger. Like in 6-12 grade. Yes, you heard that right, Believe it or not, I have had girls, either hinted that they liked me, or flat out saying "I wanna be your girlfriend".
    Of course at that age, I could only be stunned, one time I just walked away, without saying anything. This was with the girl who said "I wanna be your girlfriend"

    The other time, this girl always sit behind or beside me at classes, quite often, and saying "no, I'm not sitting here just to be near you." While actually every kids in the class know that she liked me.
    one, sent me text, telling me she got my number from my best friend, and she proceeded to tell me that she was heartbroken by and ex, and then told me, "please help me". "and please don't tell your best friend that I got your number from his contact". She kept texting me about her sadness and basically, from what I gather, wanted me to be her "white knight in a shining armor" from her sadness.
    I mean why would she even told me this stuff, we talked only once a couple of days before. I barely even knew her.

    Other time, this girl, in my student organization meeting,passed me a piece of paper in front of me on table, she sit beside me. It turned into exchanging messages on that piece of paper. In summary, she told me that she had a feeling for a boy, and wondering if I wanna have a girlfriend. I said "I don't". "Why?". I just wrote, "there's something that missing in me right now so I don't feel like dating girls. and I need to concentrate with school and stuff". That was me, in a way, to myself, telling that I'm gay. and I didn't realize she was about to ask me as her boyfriend until days later.
    But I always managed to get away this situation, and interestingly making them feeling guilty for "bothering" me in the first place. Unintentionally of course.

    But then as I get older I learned how to say no. Just say it like girls do when they turn down guys. "Sorry, but I just don't feel that way about you." That's enough. Any fallout and weirdness comes out from that will just have to work itself out.
    Because in my opinion, if you start feeling guilty, you may end up doing something you didn't mean to do. Fussing over it over & again in your head, next thing you know, just like what you did, you asked them out for a coffee, to explain and to make them feel better. They think it's a date. Turn out it wasn't . and after that They think you're an asshole.

    For me. a simple, and CLEAR, "I'm just not interested" is enough and safe enough. Nothing else. Literally. I actually think that's the best, for me and maybe for them too. I don't even feel like I have to explain myself. Just that.

    But then again, maybe it's different for me than for the OP, because basically, most of the time, I think people would see me as nonthreatening, innocent, or whatever. So I often get a free pass doing stuff that may hurt someone's feeling. and I meant that not in a manipulative way.

    But it's up to you whether you want to tell them you're gay or not. But in my opinion, people should come out when they're ready and because they want to come out. Not because they feel like they have to do it, for whatever reason.
    But that's me.

    ANyway.. good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 28, 2015 10:34 AM GMT
    "Sorry but I don't see you that way"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 28, 2015 11:38 AM GMT
    Life is way simpler when you're just out. Once your out for a few years, the thought of agonizing over what your friends or even coworkers think about you will seem almost silly. You don't have to preface every conversation with the fact that you're gay, but you don't have to dance around the fact and get nervous about it. When you expect respect, people almost always give it to you. icon_biggrin.gif