How to get over the love of your life...

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    Oct 09, 2007 5:53 AM GMT
    I have been in one relationship ever. He helped me come out and I found more peace in my life. I have never met anyone like him where the chemistry was so perfect and we loved being with each other everyday. Now let's fast forward....a bunch of bad luck happened and we were torn apart and he blames me for it. I was in a situation where I had to move back to LA and we had to end it. I was not out to my family and I was scared (being that my family and religion would not be happy with it at all). I became depressed over losing him and I decided to move back to SF to try and fix things. He gave me mixed signals because it seemed all good until I moved back. I got treated like crap and I did anything to hold on to him and in the end got used and stepped on. I try and break away to only have him randomly from time to time call me up to try and snuggle with him or worse....use me for sex. I have strong feelings for him deep down and it kills me to think about him or see him. He is also one to never say what is really deep down because he never wants to get hurt. He says he just wants to be friends and that I should get over it, but why am I the one person he says he trusts and doesn't know what he'd do without me, not to mention he told me when he was drunk that if I hadn't had to move I'd be the person that he would want to marry! Who says that and then treats me like crap. This has left me in a jaded view for the last 2 years and completely single because I have never met anyone with that great chemistry or they are always looking to get laid. Not to mention he ALWAYS knows some how when I feel like I am moving on in my life and happy for once and ruins it by sending me mix signals.What are your thoughts fellas and what should I do?icon_question.gif
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    Oct 09, 2007 6:28 AM GMT
    Well, LoganP3x3....

    That is a very gut-wrenching scenario, and it brings some of my own past to mind. Ouch. Advice can be tricky, what works for one won't work for another - whether because they are not ready for it, or it just won't "help", period.

    I can say right off the bat, that you appear to be way too good of a person for that bullshit he is coyly tossing your way. I don't know what his problem is, he is probably one of those folks who has to crush the thing they love. Get away from him ASAP!!! It is harder to DO than to say or think, but do not take his calls, and ignore him in public.

    That's not to say you won't miss the "old" him, and still think of good times. And that's okay. It will little help to block it all out either. There is a balance between remembering the good things to take with you, and letting it stifle you and inhibit your living and moving on.

    It is cliche, but "what does not kill you makes you stronger". I used to scoff at that, but these past several years of turmoil have borne it out to be true. You are good-looking, have a beautiful smile, and most likely a beautiful person behind those nice eyes that many other poeple would adore. From your profile words, you seem as well to be thoughtful, and mature.

    Did I mention I was a swimmer back when too? Well, keep swimming - good for the body & mind. Plus, we wouldn't want that nice body to get all FAT and flabby and pale and wrinkly and olddd , right? icon_razz.gif

    My other advice too, is if there is ever a situation where you are horny, and/or feeling lonely, resist the urge to run to him. Light some candles, play some R+B, get in the tub for a buble bath, and massage yourself. You will feel better after.

    I can make you a great cd of fun, quality "pick me up" songs if you want - they always lift me up. Just let me know if you want one....

    Kindest regards to you, and take care of you.

    - Scott icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 09, 2007 8:39 AM GMT
    Getting over the love of your life is never easy. You are still young, you have plenty of time ahead of you, and there are other guys out there. It is entirely possible (and probably likely) that there is someone else out there that you can find that same kind of chemistry with... who will love you without playing these games... who will support the decisions you have to make in life without making you suffer for them... and he might just turn out to be a greater love than this one. You never know until you try...

    As for this current guy... two things strike me here. One is that he is playing some serious mind games with you, probably either out of hurt or spite. Telling you things like he's been saying sound like they're only designed to hurt you... to make you feel like an ass for moving in the first place... and to keep taunting you with "what might have been". That's emotional warfare and you'd be better off to distance yourself from it, and him, as much as possible.

    Second thing is that you state that he's not the kind to say what is deep down because he never wants to get hurt. I say... To live in fear of getting hurt is to not live... it is only to go through the motions and merely exist. Take care of yourself and distance yourself from his games. You can... and will... find better.
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    Oct 09, 2007 3:12 PM GMT
    Avoid contact with him at all costs...dont take his calls...dont return his emails..he isnt helping you...he continues to hurt you by staying in contact and giving you all themixed signals...and he knows it...HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING...

    Stay away....focus on new people...better people...if he truly was the one for you...he would have supported you in your move to LA and not broke it off...andhe would have treated you better...

    I went thru something similar last year...Im so better off will be too...

    Stay strong...stay away....focus your thoughts on other things...other advice I can give...
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    Oct 09, 2007 3:20 PM GMT
    same thoughts - it's a tough situation & likely will be for some time, but it's like an addiction - you simply have to determine for yourself if you want to break the cycle, and if you do - then as was stated before - eliminate contact. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible either. And know what - ONE DAY you'll meet someone who gives you everything you want and need, without the pain, so focus on that when it gets difficult. Best wishes! and keep us posted on how you're doing

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    Oct 09, 2007 3:26 PM GMT

    Some great advice from other posters here.

    I agree with Masc, he seems very manipulative and you really do need to cut any contact with him and move on.

    I know this will be hard, but you need to think about YOU, and any hardship now will pay dividends later when he no longer has any hold over you and you find someone worthy of you.

    He is not the love of your life, you have yet to meet that man. This guy is a jerk and you can do so much better.

    Good luck


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    Oct 09, 2007 4:52 PM GMT
    you are still young, he might not have been the love of your life! Maybe you haven't met that one yet. Sounds like a jerk-off and if there was real love he sould not have treated you like shit. Be happy you saw his true self. I agree with with Masc avoid him at all costs. Time will heal your wounds. When an old dog dies get a puppy. I know it is a fortune cookie responses, but if you hold on to this loss you will NOT be open to find someone better suited for you.

    Good luck! Be strong.

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    Oct 09, 2007 5:29 PM GMT

    Finding true love for any of us is a very trying situation. There should be only a few universal rules in seeking love. For me, the most important is this: Love should have intregrity and respect. You should have that for yourself and extend it to your special one. You have to believe you deserve the inherent good in life. It doesn't sound like this guy is the that for you. He seems to know what to say exactly when he feels you pulling away, just to draw you back in. He feels that power, and potentially is exercising it in some weird form of pay back for what he may perceive as rejection from your unplanned move. Regardless, if he were the one for you, no amount of fear should keep him from loving you freely and openly and most importantly, proudly.
    You absolutely have to envision your life without him, practice that daily until he is out of the picture altogether. The memories of your past joyous times together should remain just that, before he manages to even destroy that, and the only memory you have is of him causing you more and more pain.
    We, as gay men, as humans, should not fear being alone. I always say, I'd rather be alone than with someone who does not value me. But you will have to decide that for yourself.
    Lastly, there is a time to mourn the end of a relationship. When that time passes, we are still left with a life to live. It won't be easy, but think of the alternative and then take action. Life's too short not to at least try. Best wishes.
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    Oct 09, 2007 7:22 PM GMT
    I agree with Masc. and Logan. You need to make a clean break from this guy.

    The other thing that will help you move on is time. I know you said it's been two years, but he seems to still be part of your life. Making a clean break and allowing time to go by will allow you the opportunity to deal with the loss of this relationship.

    When I broke up with my first BF, I did not speak with him for over a year. The time away from him allowed me to grieve the loss of our relationship. I basically treated it like a death. You go through some of the same stages. Sadness, anger, loneliness and hopefully, eventually, healing.

    Having him around after you break up would be like having a ghost around, constantly haunting you.

    I'd recommend staying clear from him at all costs to let the healing begin. Good luck. - Jorel

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    Oct 09, 2007 7:27 PM GMT
    loganp3x3: Holy crap this is a timely topic, as it really resonates with me right now. I'll be watching this one and poaching the replies. :-)
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    Oct 09, 2007 7:45 PM GMT
    One of the greatest discoveries ive come across is how we view love.

    deep down, it comes down to false expectations.

    but also, he may seem manipulative and bad but you said yourself he doesn't like to get hurt. Lets face it, due to circumstance you DID leave and you DID choose to let go. You DIDN'T choose him, not at first. Sometimes mistakes can't be rectified (who says it is even a mistake, growing up is always happening regardless the age and life always changes, its the one thing that cant stop). These have to be dealt with, felt and let go.

    He can't be held accountable for the feelings you are having trouble dealing with. Hes probably just as confused as you. But his scenario may be a little more (I'm ready to move on but hes my friend and I love him, hes spiraling down and I don't know how to help him any other way but by doing __________.)

    There isn't a right nor a wrong way of doing things. Just a complicated dance you both need to get your footing on.

    Don't dwell on the Lost Love...Remember that you have loved and been loved in return. Some of us never get that privilege or experience.

    I'd consider you one of the luckiest gay men. You found, even for a short time, what it truly means to connect with another person in every way possible.

    I envy that.

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    Oct 09, 2007 9:33 PM GMT
    I agree with Mascjockatl he knows what he is doing. Unless he decides to come clean and make a 100% turn around stay away from him. You deserve better even if he was the love of your life. I ended an 11 year relationship but for different reasons. And now we are better friends. You walk away from these things smarter and wiser, and ya it hurts like hell for a while but keep your head up and don't let the bad define you.
    Good Luck
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    Oct 09, 2007 9:41 PM GMT
    Hello Loganp3x3,
    After reading your posting I checked out your profile. Let me first start out by saying your an amazing young man. That not just based on your looks, but your intelligence, values and personality.
    The first one is always the hardest, and the most important thing to remember is you need to learn and grow from this experiance. Move forward, never look back be positive and take care of yourself first.
    You do not want this to ruin your ability or callous your senses for the future.
    We have all gone through this and it was nothing you did. And I know it hurts and it seems like that will never go away.
    But it does in time..
    Stop thinking about what you may have done wrong, or when or what you could have changed.
    Then you will emerge a stronger more confident Man, who has learned from both the positive and negative aspects of a loving relationship. And what you have learned makes you better for the person you will find true love with in the future.
    Bottom line is he needs to grow up and stop playing you until something better comes along. He is immature and cannot see what's in front of him, and never will. If he really loved you he would not be putting you through this. This is not how you treat someone you love and care about. And based on what I've read in your profile you will not settle for that kind of person/relationship anyway..
    so why are you?
    YOU deserve better! your an upstanding young man and an assett to the gay community.
    I am proud to see a fine young man like yourself in this day and age. It truly saddens me your are going through this. But this is your time to shine, be strong and be the better person and accept it's over. It is time for you to move forward, never looking back "That means no more contact with this Bozo AT ALL", enjoy your life, your youth and when you least expect it the man who is your equal in life will appear.
    Good luck my friend!
  • GQjock

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    Oct 11, 2007 10:30 AM GMT
    Logan...first you can start by stopping calling him the love of your life
    That's putting you into a box where you'll have a more difficult time getting over him
    and that's what you need to do...get over him
    when ever we end a relationship for whatever reason there is a loss...and we have to mourn that loss just as if someone died
    you've got to go through that process of it will stunt your emotional life
    if you're having problems connecting with men because of this talk to someone about it
    sometimes we need a little advice to get over the bumps in the road
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    Oct 11, 2007 12:38 PM GMT
    I'm going to have to agree with most of the posters on here. Kinda was in the same situation till recently. I had only 1 BF, even if you consider it really a relationship. I jumped into it right after i came out and was full of lies and drugs. I ended up walking out of it and then a year later get a call from him saying 'i've changed, don't be mad at me'. Gave him a second chance and realized it was 'only for the time being'. I viewed it as sketchy and kept a safe distance only to find out he was full of it. He said he wanted a relationship with me, trusted me alot (given i never betrayed it) only to found out that when i started school and time became less....he was sleeping around on me, wouldn't stop popping vicodin pills, and was lying to me. Of course I found out through his friends. He told me intentionally and was the one who gave me a heads up to walk out the first time... accually all his friends did. Do I love the guy? Probably always will being he's the first guy, but like everyone's said on here, It's not worth the lies and deceit to 'fake it till you make it'.

    I'm impatient, i'll admit that; however, the objective of finding that 'someone' i beleive tests your patience to the max. Keep your head up and don't be hasty.
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    Oct 13, 2007 2:13 PM GMT
    oh gawd. dude same situation with my recent x. i didnt know whether he loved me or not cuz that bastard wasnt too clear on the mix messages he gave me. at times i thought i was one of his piece of meat. than i thought im too young and hot for this sh*t..time to live happy and get away from this crazy dude! TRUST me he will come back like a lil puppy with his tail down wanting to come back to happens with Every damn x i had. just drop him for now..and if he ever comes back well that will be your decision on whether you want to try again to see if there was any changes..or keep on walkin. for now try to be open with dating..there might be someone much better than your never know!
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    Oct 13, 2007 4:05 PM GMT
    There are really only 2 rules at the end of a relationship.

    1) When its over, its over.
    2) See rule number one.

    I let the same guy stomp on my heart twice 4 years apart. The second time I thought, "this is like it was in the beginning the first time around..." AND, it was just like it was in the end too. The first time I was 23 and he was the first man I loved. The second time ended when I was 29.

    I have not seen him since 1990 but that doesn't mean that I don't think about him sometimes. I loved him and that doesn't happen all that often. Now he and I talk about once every couple of years or so---birthday or something--and the conversations are just fun and last about 2 hours but we hang up and we're good for another couple of years. Most importantly, when we talk, we only remember the good times.

    If you save your posting and re-read a couple of years from now you will wonder..."what the f*** was I so worked up about????" and will throw the saved posting away.

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    Oct 13, 2007 4:26 PM GMT
    You're a handsome guy and a sweetheart. icon_cool.gif I'll been in similar situation and there's nottin you can do really. Only time will heal your heart. Takes years. But things will get better. You also have to stop communicating with him. If you don't close that door, no other will open. Keep to yourself. Don't date. Spend time improving yourself and makin you stronger... for next time!
    Love you honey! icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 13, 2007 5:10 PM GMT
    Hey Fellas,

    Thanks for all the great feed back. I am know what I need to do and that it's going to be a tough road to travel. It is always really hard when it comes to the matters of the heart. Easier said than done, right?

    I wish you guys all lived here and were my support system. We'd be this gigantic 'Sex and the city' group, HA!

    I am going to really try and stick this out and do what you are all telling me...I swear it's going to be hard...BUT I am just going to have to imagine all of you there next to me telling me to be strong.

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    Oct 13, 2007 5:22 PM GMT
    You know what you have to do and that is quit being a doormat, whilst you are around this guy you know he can wrap you round his little finger and treat you so undeservedly.

    He treats you like crap makes you feel like crap just because he says or does all the right things you go back for more, its because he is a player and knows what makes you tick.

    Yeh it wont be easy but life seldom is but when you get some self respect and value of yuor own self worth you will know you are far better deserving than this.

    Good luck in getting your life sorted and seeing the back of this rat that cares little for your emotions and well being
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    Oct 13, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    ps why are all greek men so god damn beautiful and perfect!
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    Oct 13, 2007 5:46 PM GMT
    I think since you moved out you really decided what was the top priority in your life a while back. You might want to meditate on why you made that decsion. He prolly does not want to ever trust you with his fate/feelings again because you could flake on him again. Big picture you got everything going for ( age) and there r tons of nice guys out there to love you.
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    Oct 15, 2007 1:45 AM GMT
    Listen to them.

    despite who's at fault or to blame for the original relationship, you don't deserve this. So stop torturing yourself and just let him go.

    Reading this topic inspired me to go ahead and break off ties with someone who's been really unhealthy for me and has dominated my life for the past 2 years always running to me for help when things go to shit, but then stating all of sudden that we're just friends and then ending up with an ex.

    Yesterday I called him, I knew what was going on he didn't have to say and I told him goodbye, of course there were a lot of words that followed, but that was the overall message. And even though it was followed by a lot of rage and bitterness, I feel so free and question why I hadn't done it a long time ago.

    Set yourself free
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    Oct 21, 2007 2:15 AM GMT
    I know. I have a problem with the whole situation and I know I feel like I carry all the blame and guilt. it's easier said than done when it comes to matters of the heart. I am trying to move on and take it one day at a time because I know I try looking ahead to quick and it either makes me sad again or freaked out that I will end up alone, like most gay men, or never able to open up to another person.

    I know I don't deserve to be treated that way and I know to try and not deal with him anymore but it's also hard knowing I have to cut him out of my life because it feels like I have to abandon him again. I know it's a mess in my head some days more than others. I just need to meet the right guy and the hopefully TRUE love of my life to just sweep me off my feet and make me totally forget about all the pain and forget about my ex as well.
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    Jan 02, 2008 7:24 PM GMT
    i threw my self into my school work, work, working out, and friends. Then one day i looked up and it didnt hurt as much anymore. Unhealthy way of doing it? I dont know, at least all the turmoil went into something productive.