Changing Culture: Polyamorous and Open Relationships Explained

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2016 12:56 AM GMT
    NYT: Open relationships are one of those concepts that can inspire confusion.

    Polyamorous open relationships, or consensual non-monogamy, are an umbrella category. Their expression can take a range of forms focusing on both physical and emotional intimacy with secondary or tertiary partners, though some relationships can veer toward strictly the physical and resemble 1970s-era swinging or group sex.

    To better understand open relationships, we talked to several experts: Dan Savage, an author and gay-rights activist who writes a column about sex and relationships called Savage Love; among others.

    We distilled their thoughts into seven key points.

    1. Open relationships aren’t for everyone. Neither is monogamy.

    2. Polyamory is not an exit strategy.

    3. Nor is it an option to just keep a relationship going.

    4. Rules and situations can change.

    5. Prioritizing a primary partner is key.

    6. Those sharing a lover can get along too.

    7. Jealousy is present, but not unique.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/25/fashion/dating-experts-explain-polyamory-and-open-relationships.html?
  • NursePractiti...

    Posts: 238

    Oct 28, 2016 1:25 PM GMT
    I have been in an open relationship and I can guarantee you I don't have a screw loose. As long as two people who are together have an agreed understanding as well as boundaries, limits and open honesty with one another it can work. Were not really open now only because were older. And this thing happens a LOT more than people are willing to admit.
  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 285

    Oct 28, 2016 9:01 PM GMT
    I am in an open relationship. I think I pretty much have all my shit together, no screws loose, and a great career. We pretty much only play together, trust is 100% the biggest deal in this. We know what each other likes, and we are open and honest with each other. There are rules, and clear boundaries, and neither of us has an issue, if one of us feels weird in a particular situation, we bail, immediately, no questions asked. He has my loyalty, I love him. The rest is literally just sex. We are both dominant guys, this way, we can both get what we want on occasion without having to be submissive to please the other. We found a good harmony in it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5219

    Oct 28, 2016 9:08 PM GMT
    The problem with discussing an open relationship is that it can be many different things ranging from the couple sharing a third to each partner screwing anyone he wants anytime. Example: You're in a sauna alone with a cute guy and he starts sliding over closer and eventually touches. He is encouraged so he gives you an eight second blowjob and exits. Is that cheating? If that sort of thing is OK between you and your partner, is that "open?"
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    Oct 29, 2016 11:18 AM GMT
    Please make a distinction between Polyamore and Open Relationship.
    There's a huge different between being in a relationship with more than one partner and between having sex with others, while you're partnered.

    If you are into one or both lifestyle, this doesn't make you a "Screws lose"person, or a Self Deceiver.
    I believe that there are many people out there (straight too) who desire this lifestyle deep in them, but afraid to admit it, even to themselves, since they grew up in a society in which the Hegemonic values of the straight monogamous family, are being taught from the age of 0. So naturally, the majority of people who grew up in such society, will think that that's all there is and those who doesn't fit to this frame " have some screws loose".

    Since nature and the human brain are far more complicated than this and the communication techniques these days allow more voices and opinions o be heard, you can see now more and more people who doesn't match the Hegemonic values and that can be put on a scale of 100% monogamy, to totally open Polyamore relationship (remember that there are also monogamous poly relationships out there as well)
    Whenever you find yourself in this spectrum, do what feels right to you and don't let others to dictate your life!.

    I think that people who are not monogamous and open and honest about it; and also monogamous people who don't judge others, to be much more progressive and open minded and don't take anything they were taught in their childhood for granted.
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    Oct 29, 2016 7:03 PM GMT
    Polyamorous relationships are very different to open relationships but if your in either type of relationship, you really need to be comfortable with who you are and be prepared to discuss how to avoid jealousy and emotional monogamy. If you don't have emotional monogamy with your one partner or for Polyamorous relationships the 3 or more of you, then you don't have a relationship, you have a consistent F**k buddy. I don't think it's my business to care who is in one of either relationship, however just don't expect that your relationship will be given the same respect and credibility and accept that while relationships can last a life time who are either, but statistically it's more likely you will only last a few years. Back in my early 20's I was at University and did some volunteer work at a gay community centre. We were given some training including members of different minorities coming in to describe GLBT life for them. Of everything I learned the one statistic I was quoted by a proffesional psychologist (a lesbian herself and the trainer of the volunteers, that for Gay men, Sex outside of the relationships happens by the time they have been together 5 years, with or without the consent of the other partner in 92% of those relationships. That statistic was from studies in the mid 1990's and I cannot imagine the numbers have got any lower, which to me means everyone should consider their options including Polyamorous or Open relationships as long as your comfortable with them. For me personally, there is no point in calling someone my boyfriend if they are screwing everyone else so I don't think that either would be an option but, another thing I have learned is never say never
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    Oct 29, 2016 7:24 PM GMT
    According to the article and as summarized in the OP, to anchor the polyamorous relationship or an open relationship, you need to pay attention to Point No. 5 which is "prioritizing a primary partner is key." In other words, in all relationships, you need a BAE, or a "Before Anyone Else" partner.
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    Oct 29, 2016 7:58 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidAccording to the article and as summarized in the OP, to anchor the polyamorous relationship or an open relationship, you need to pay attention to Point No. 5 which is "prioritizing a primary partner is key." In other words, in all relationships, you need a BAE, or a "Before Anyone Else" partner.


    I'd agree with that, totally. The only thing I would say though is if you are set on one of these relationships from the start, while no-one has the right to stop you , just as long as you also understand that many gay men will not take it as serious relationship (some guys could care less about that anyway) and the heterosexual majority don't practice those kind of relationshps and for those heterosexual minorities that do, they tend to keep their situation 'on the down low' (as you Americans like to call being secretive about sex outside a relationship while in a relationship). I am mainly referring to Gay Marriage and the fact that if a pattern of men getting married and bringing in other men in either a polyamorous relationship or being in an open relationship and being relaxed and public about doing it, their is likely to be a right wing popular backlash as has been the case in several points in history already. The back lash could create an environment in more conservative areas where right wing homophobes would paint gay men as being to sexually permiscuous inferring that the marriage vows were not genuine and how it's setting a bad precident ect. and use that outrage to take away some things we now are starting to take for granted. Public funding of Prep for example either from subsidy or given for free would be a target. I am not saying I agree, or that it will happen like that everywhere but as I have said in other posts, Gay men are in need of some intraspection on how sex is viewed and step away from that 70's style free love which requires everyone to see another cock/ass as just a piece of meat and describe them as 'Trade' (a common word older guys would call guys when I was in my 20's) and though the word isn't used so much the mentality of disposable use and abuse/be abused by as many as you feel up to handling is and has always been what has held Gay men back from leading fuller lives. There is no need to judge other people but if enough guys have some introspection on what is really motivating them to live a 'free love, multiple partner' lifestyle, many would deep down prefer a lot less quantity and more quality.
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    Oct 31, 2016 11:33 AM GMT
    http://www.thecouplesstudy.com/
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5219

    Oct 31, 2016 4:32 PM GMT
    rtmnmk saidhttp://www.thecouplesstudy.com/

    Great study. A lot of details. Usually articles about this are mostly opinions. This adds the detail and the logic. Thanks! Very interesting.
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    Nov 02, 2016 11:15 AM GMT
    I found this You tube clip, please Watch via the URL Link it sums up how many older Gay men feel about Gay life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvsc2cuuZfo
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    Nov 02, 2016 11:59 AM GMT
    As a supporter of polyamory (i dont practice it) i tend to not read 90 % of the bullshit publications post about it . Its a trendy topic right now and people need to pay bills somehow. Not all Polyamorous relationships have a main couple / a 3rd / need a primiary.

    I have 3 friends whove been friends from childhood, grew up all liking each other but not admiting it out loud; in short: when they discoverer polyamory they realised this is where they finally fit. Its an equal partnership of 3. Did it all happen at the same time?
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    Nov 02, 2016 12:47 PM GMT
    Aleco_Graves saidAs a supporter of polygamous (i don't practice it) i tend to not read 90 % of the bullshit publications post about it . Its a trendy topic right now and people need to pay bills somehow. Not all Polyamorous relationships have a main couple / a 3rd / need a primary.

    I have 3 friends who've been friends from childhood, grew up all liking each other but not admiting it out loud; in short: when they discoverer polyamory they realised this is where they finally fit. Its an equal partnership of 3. Did it all happen at the same time?


    I used to be judgmental of polyamory but after meeting some young couple of 3 I can see it can work and Aleco, no doubt there are many variations of Polygamous of which some work out and others don't. Gay men have the right to define their own relationships, however truth is if you do go outside the defined society norms of what a relationship should be, you have to go into it knowing that there will be those that oppose and supporters so if it works for the guys in the relationship they shouldn't be judged by the standards of others to be considered a relationship. I do though draw the line at supporting marriage for everyone including poly couples and for those who want completly open relationshps. it is true their are straight couples doing the alternative relationship thing but they are small in number and tend to be resigned to mainstream society not being accepting and just go about their lives. I would say the same approach by Gay Guys in regard to marriage. Marriage is designed to be between 2 people and it's about a commitment not just about having a back stop when you don't score for open relathionships. Poly guys in many jurisdictions would also have to get poligamy laws changed before any marriage consideration but I haven't heard a lot of concern from them just the open relationship protagonists. Good on you and congratulations to those guys who have made and open relationship work longer term, statistics are against you so you deserve praise even from those who don't agree with them. Monogamish however probably describes most relationships str8 or Gay male as in their is a limited amount of straying from partner either by agreement or not, that doen't justify being totatlly open to me, but truth is we are all human and situations change. Theirs a big difference between a guy in a relationship which has required significant time apart or illness preventing sex over a sustained period and just screwing around coz your bored with just your partner. Playing together to spice it up occasionally I would also think should not be frowned upon if agreed and not a habiitual thing. I just can't see how anyone can be screwing around regularly and expect to get the same respect for that relationship as a monogomous or monogamish or even poly relationship as the other person as the 3rd provides the variety and they are based on love not just a coz we are men attitude
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2016 1:56 PM GMT
    Open relationships are a pretty codeword for people who like to fuck a lot around, but pretend it''s okay as long as there's "honesty" involved. They present a pyramid of prioritized fuckbuddies with one on top they have most things in common with. It's not a relationship, it's a fuckfest with a crapload of makeup on to hide the ugly.

    If you really have "your shit together" you would not need to fuck around, whether your "current partner" knows about that or not, approves it or not, does so himself or not.