Gay Life & Gay Culture

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2017 2:22 AM GMT
    Hey guys, been a while since i posted something about dating/relationship. I guess this post is more like a Rant. I spoke with my ex and a couple of friends recently, I have an observation of gay life and culture like this. Most gay men are not really Monogamous-Committed, it seems like gay life is just one big giant party. Look at all the bars/clubs out there. (Plus the White party in Palm Springs/Prides)...etc. I'm not saying that these events are Bad, it's part of the gay culture. I guess I'm saying maybe there are too many choices for gay men (esp. in the LA area anyway), most guys just don't wanna commit. I'm guilty of going to bars, yes and sometimes hooked up with a random cute dude lol. But damn, when am I going to find that good guy to settle down with?? lol, I don't know, I'm just reminiscing about the old settled life with my ex a while back. It seems that countless and many gay men enjoy living single, going to bars, hooking up and the cycle going around all over again. I, over the past 2-3 weeks, literally saw like 4-5 guys on Scruff, OKC, GR out at the bars hooking up while their profiles online say **I want a husband. Lol, And sometimes, guys can be unnecessary rude, flaky and came off as *Weird. I don't know, does anyone else have a better experience than me? Maybe I should just stop going to the gay LA ghetto.icon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gificon_redface.gif
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    Feb 21, 2017 12:50 PM GMT
    it's ok to want things, but for something like marriage to happen, all involved have to make the commitment to each other.
    It doesn't mean you can't go out and play with others, it means that that needs to be negotiated.
    marriage as an institution was originally about the exchange of property and forced cohabitation/making offspring. Legal benefits happened for it gradually. Romantic marriages only happened within the last 200 years or so, and humans are social creatures.

    that was a lot of statements... I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want to become married be sure that you're presenting yourself as a worthwhile candidate. There only so much you yourself can do.
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    Feb 22, 2017 12:07 AM GMT
    The entire concept of partnering has changed because of the gay social apps. And then there is the phenomenon of cell phone addiction.
    These things actually change the wiring of your brain so it's nothing to take lightly . Who knows where it what it will eventually morph into. Try not looking at your phone for a week and see if you fell differently about this topic.
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    Feb 22, 2017 3:23 AM GMT
    I don't have a specific answer for you, but I had to come to the realization that just because one is seeking for a husband doesn't mean they are to sit at home during that time with their legs closed. You can be serious in your quest for love and still "have fun". I believe finding someone emotionally/sexually compatible in the gay world is hard because of the small dating pool and the lack of models to base ourselves on...especially someone who wants to commit. So, people tend to find comfort in short terms satisfactions. Apparently, some LTRs even start that way these days...Keep your spirit up though and take a break from apps or the scene every now and then for your sanity.
  • BryUSC88

    Posts: 206

    Feb 24, 2017 1:54 AM GMT
    "But damn, when am I going to find that good guy to settle down with??"

    Been asking myself that question for about 20 years.
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    Feb 27, 2017 12:04 AM GMT
    Well well went out 2 nights ago, got a little drunk and groping some random guys. Lol, got groped a couple times too. Yes I agreed.
    Just because you're single you can't have a little fun. Oh well !! I think I need to kiss more frogs to find my prince charming. icon_smile.gif
  • barefootlover

    Posts: 903

    Feb 27, 2017 12:52 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThe entire concept of partnering has changed because of the gay social apps. And then there is the phenomenon of cell phone addiction.
    These things actually change the wiring of your brain so it's nothing to take lightly . Who knows where it what it will eventually morph into. Try not looking at your phone for a week and see if you fell differently about this topic.



    I don't have a phone to look at. Call me old fashion, but I can only talk on my phone. I have a laptop to look at. lol
  • barefootlover

    Posts: 903

    Feb 27, 2017 12:54 AM GMT
    laxwill10 saidWell well went out 2 nights ago, got a little drunk and groping some random guys. Lol, got groped a couple times too. Yes I agreed.
    Just because you're single you can't have a little fun. Oh well !! I think I need to kiss more frogs to find my prince charming. icon_smile.gif


    I'd grope you, too, if you were drunk. lol
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    Mar 02, 2017 3:23 AM GMT
    ^^^ Creep !!jk icon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_redface.gificon_redface.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 06, 2017 10:42 PM GMT
    Do anything you like with the advice of a 20 year old but here it comes;

    I have chatted with men before, only hookups. Never having the intention to be in a relationship. Just like to talk to other men about random stuff. See if you can relate on certain topics. If there's sex, why not. It may even be leading in the beginning. But after the sex, a relationship will only begin if you show interest in a man and if he shows interest in you.

    Every man wants to have friends and friends can turn into husbands. That's my view on life though.
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    Mar 09, 2017 12:52 PM GMT
    ^^ I thought when you *friendzone a gay guy, he's not good enough to be a bf?? lol
    I don't have a good track record with gay friends, most of my friends are straight and I kept in contact with my ex, a couple of good gay friends
    living in a far distance from me.
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    Mar 09, 2017 3:03 PM GMT
    96Block saidDo anything you like with the advice of a 20 year old but here it comes;

    I have chatted with men before, only hookups. Never having the intention to be in a relationship. Just like to talk to other men about random stuff. See if you can relate on certain topics. If there's sex, why not. It may even be leading in the beginning. But after the sex, a relationship will only begin if you show interest in a man and if he shows interest in you.

    Every man wants to have friends and friends can turn into husbands. That's my view on life though.

    Actually this is very close to the approach I took when single. Opposed to the guys who wanna evaluate every man they meet in terms of marrying them. Take that second approach and you may not end up dating anyone.

    Perhaps a mercenary view, but I would think of meeting guys and perhaps dating as similar to visiting a car dealership. Where you take a car for a test spin around the block. Sometimes even allowed to bring it home with you for the night. Then if you're pleased you buy it.

    But first you wanna compare as many as possible, in your "price range". (I'd often say a guy was "Outta my price range", especially if he was too young for me) Of course, the flaw in this analogy applied to guys is that while I get to choose the car myself, in this case the car also has to choose ME, as well!

    And during my dating days I myself was offering pretty high mileage, having had a number of "previous owners", looking a little the worse for wear. Not exactly this year's current model, fresh from the showroom, but with outdated features many guy didn't want, and no warranty.

    Nevertheless, that defined my dating model. Date often, and date easily. And simply meet guys, to make friends, enjoy their company for the sake of male company. By increasing my gay friendship pool I increased my dating pool, which in turn increased my potential partner/husband pool. Worked well for me right into my late 50s, now happily settled down for 10 years. And as a bonus, I was having a great time! Well, actually, I think I still do. icon_wink.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5263

    Mar 09, 2017 6:34 PM GMT
    I think it is up to you. When I was single, I was enjoying a pretty free sex life consisting mostly of repetitive one night stands with an occasional out-of-town boyfriend thrown in for periods of maybe one year. When I met my guy, it was a week-end sex date though we had gotten to know each other pretty well over messages because he was several hours away. But within two weeks, we both knew it had possibility of more and that we both were eager to see where we could take it. We've been together ten years now come this summer. We've been living together for eight. We both risked alienation from family to come out but chose to risk it and both families supported us. We choose to present our relationship as "open" because neither is willing to draw a line for the other to not cross, because we love each other, but we are effectively monogamous. Sometimes a three-way to blow off some steam but very rarely. Don't think we haven't had crises, we have. Don't think it can't blow up after ten years, it could.

    Most gay guys simply don't believe in the "work" a relationship involves. They think that means having to give up blow-jobs in a bar. It means holding your tongue when your partner says something pissy. I means digging yourself out of a deep depression because your partner has done something you consider way over the line, even if there is no line but you think he should know. It means reluctantly shrugging off anger even when you have cause and just deciding "I love this guy, I love the "us" we've created, rejecting I'll-show-him instincts, understanding your guy to his soul. Admitting your own mistakes when you make them and sincerely apologizing.

    Most of us have been hurt at one time or another and are reluctant to be vulnerable first. My guy reached out to me and I was hesitant for a second, but only a second. And I've been in love for ten years as a result. You be the guy who reaches out. There are good guys everywhere. I bet half the single guys on this site would be good partners given the chance. We all want love.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 515

    Mar 10, 2017 6:04 AM GMT
    As a species, we would have died out a long time ago if people were monogamous. Historically, many cultures did not practice monogamy. We lived in communities with many blood relations. We had houses filled with blood relatives. The US has done of a lot of work to destroy the idea of extended families in households. Monogamy is a great tool for capitalism though. It's easier to sell a narrowly-defined lifestyle based on coupledom. As gay men, we are already unburdened from that lifestyle as it's not being sold to us.

    Generally, we're single in the legal definition, childless, and may have more economic resources in later adulthood as we're not dumping money into supporting a family in the same way as our hetero mates. We as gay men have the opportunity to truly examine why we put monogamy on a pedestal. We should be questioning who is driving this narrative? Why is having multiple sexual partners looked down upon? Who is telling us that there is one person out there who will fulfill our emotional and physical needs? Who put "Finding 'The One'" on our checklists to adulthood? Why do we, who must constantly fight to not be boxed in by a heteronormative society, box other gay men who do not seek a relationship as sluts/partiers/drug-users?

    I used to carry the same notions that a monogamous relationship would make me happy. I spent so much time and emotional effort searching for that guy (and became saddled with so much frustration when I couldn't). Years ago, I met someone over a campfire who enabled me to separate my desires and needs from those that I've been conditioned to believe. I no longer feel that I'm missing out on some great life purpose.

    I think we become blinded to what can make us happy and fulfill our needs when we're constantly searching for a representation of an idea. Obviously, our hearts do not have a limit for how much love it can hold. We are capable of loving many people equally at once. And we are capable of finding love in ourselves without validation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2017 8:28 PM GMT
    laxwill10 said
    I don't have a good track record with gay friends, most of my friends are straight and I kept in contact with my ex, a couple of good gay friends
    living in a far distance from me.


    Well, its' time to acquire some gay friends, because if you want to meet guys for romance, the best way is through meeting them via mutual friends. It's the same advice that is handed out here all the time to the young'ons who want to find a bf - hang out in gay venues/clubs/organizations (or even mixed groups). Make some new friend, and get invited to the myriad of parties and dinners that happen in LA. Life can be boring with no gay friends.

    And, in the meantime, go on a hike or camping trip, and like MarvelClimber, meet some hot guy over a fire pit - and have some hot sex. Or vacation in a gay location (P-Town, Pto. Vallarta, Ibezia, etc), or go on a gay cruise, where sex is almost guaranteed.

    And please report back on your successful sex excursions - RJ is getting pretty boring these days.