Ghosting and why we shouldn't do it

  • Timbre

    Posts: 11

    Sep 21, 2017 8:53 PM GMT
    So after a recent encounter with a guy, I thought I'd start a conversation on ghosting, and why no one should do it. I'll start off my briefly mentioning my recent experience. I had been chatting with a guy for about two weeks in which we ended up making plans to go to Disney. We hit it off quite well while texting and even in person. I had an amazing time and I think so had he? It's been five days since then and I haven't heard much from him except for a quick reply that I sent him asking if everything was alright to which he said "he'd been busy." Now should be noted while we were at disney, he instigated conversation of future outings, he even convinced me to get a 3 day pass ( to be used within 6 months) since he had an annual one and said we'd come again. Should note also that he did kiss me, and would hold my hand while we walked around the park. Overall just how he acted throughout the day, he did seem to like me too and like he was enjoying himself quite a bit.

    Now before disney, we talked pretty frequently, practically everyday, even if it was just to exchange a few snaps. But he doesn't reply to my snaps anymore nor did he respond to a text about possibly grabbing a bite to eat. I have received one snap from him but for all I know, it was sent to multiple people. Now I understand he probably has been busy, and I'm sure I'll find out sooner or later, but I just feel mixed signals and not even entirely sure if he is still interested in me? The time that I spent with him was absolutely amazing, and one of the best days I had in a while so being given the cold shoulder has definitely crushed my spirit these last few days since he was an incredible guy and I thought we truly hit it off. Don't get me wrong, I know maybe I'm just getting into my head and maybe everything is fine, but the change of pace of our messages is definitely throwing me off and making me feel like it's not.

    Coming back on track, I get it's easy to ghost people, or brush them off. It's the easier thing to do than confront them. But I think we should try to not do it, and have the decency to the other person (especially those we've actually met in person) to tell them how we feel, and if we think something just isn't going to work out. You may not have felt much during whatever outing/date you went on, but you may have given them a wonderful time and you suddenly ignoring them may effect them a lot more emotionally than you may think. Some people are just more sensitive than others. So yeah, I'd hope those who read this try their best not to ghost people. The feeling sucks.

    On a side note, I'd love to hear if this is a normal way for a guy to react and maybe I'm just overthinking things? I figured if anything I'll hear from him sometime during the weekend but do plan on asking him upfront via text whether or not he wanted to hang out again and hopefully getting an answer.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 649

    Sep 21, 2017 9:34 PM GMT
    Move along, he's not interested in you anymore. Trust me.

    It's clear that he found somebody that he thinks is better than you but still wants to keep you around as "backup" in case things don't work out with the other guy.

    Whenever a guy says the following then it means he's not interested:
    - "Sorry, I've been busy" (if he TRULY was interested then TRUST ME, he would find the time. The goal of a guy saying this is for you to slowly lose interest and then leave him alone).
    - "My phone broke" (If a guy was truly interested then he would find ANY means of reaching out to you whether its their PC, a relatives/friends phone, work computer, etc)
    - "My grandmother died" (ALWAYS happens at the most convenient time; and its the perfect defense since you can't call him out on that).

    I've been in that situation before and it hurts; and to be brutally honest, I've done this to guys too.
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    Sep 21, 2017 10:25 PM GMT
    I've been through that myself several times and it always hurts. At the end of the day those guys were not that into me, but that doesn't erase the wonderful memories they gave me.

    With time I'm learning to manage my expectations: a little less "happy ever after", a little more "carpe diem". Not only that, but I also try to communicate those expectations so they won't feel like they need to confront me if they want to move on.

    I believe the fuck buddy type of relationship is great for expectation management. I mentioned on another thread that romantic people ruin romance.
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 879

    Sep 22, 2017 4:28 AM GMT
    It's sad that we've been reduced to coaching people to expect less rather than demand better. There was a time when ghosting was the kind of thing one does only to hurt an ex from a bitter breakup
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2325

    Sep 22, 2017 6:25 AM GMT
    It is simply easier. There is also the issue of the people not knowing how to use Internet dating. They think because you are not in front of their face, you are not even a real person.
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    Sep 22, 2017 11:48 AM GMT
    buddycat saidIt is simply easier. There is also the issue of the people not knowing how to use Internet dating. They think because you are not in front of their face, you are not even a real person.


    It's simply rude, uncivilized and cowardly.
  • k15thelement

    Posts: 602

    Sep 22, 2017 12:40 PM GMT
    Ghosting sucks. At the same time, someone that doesn't have the guts to be upfront that they aren't feeling it wouldn't be good relationship material for you in the long run anyways. So it may be better to look as them saving you the trouble of wasting your time.

    The best thing anyone can do is lead by example. Make sure you don't ghost anyone and always be upfront. You can't control what other people do, but I believe you'll eventually attract like minded people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2017 2:36 PM GMT
    Listen and dance to this about four times and you'll feel better.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2017 2:46 PM GMT
    Keep Dancin:

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2017 2:50 PM GMT
    You might like this one.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2017 5:08 PM GMT
    I'm sorry that happened to you! If it makes you feel better I went on an, "OK" date with a guy I matched with on Tinder the other day and during the date he mentioned he was ghosted by a guy he dated, but his friend revealed to him that the guy who ghosted him is an escort. My date said he'd never date an escort again because the escort didn't tell him he escorts.

    I told him I'd date an escort. Then, the date when downhill from there. I explained it's not like the escort and I are getting married (my date also mentioned he's ready for marriage and settling down). I dropped my date at home without a hug, or kiss goodbye, but I text messaged him thank you for tonight. The next morning the guy messaged thank you too, but we're not a match due to too many disagreements. So, I asked how he felt about being friends. I haven't heard back from him.

    I don't plan on contacting him again, and it's ironic that he's ghosting me when he was butt hurt about his last date ghosting him. Anyway, hopefully, my story helped you! You should go to Disney World by yourself. I'd do it if I was you.
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    Sep 22, 2017 6:49 PM GMT
    Happenis saidMove along, he's not interested in you anymore. Trust me.

    Yes, and let's be honest; men are unlikely to be good about communicating what's going on in their head in a relationship. Unlike women, who will drive you nuts with all of their sharing of their feelings and thoughts.
  • Timbre

    Posts: 11

    Sep 22, 2017 7:11 PM GMT
    @Happenis
    I know, and everything points towards such but I’m just hanging on to the chance that it’s not the case unless he told me otherwise because he just led me to believe multiple times that we would do other things throughout the date.

    I hadn’t considered the back up part and in which case, is quite shallow.
    And while I agree with you on most cases on those, I think sometimes someone is indeed busy. While I would personally try to make time, not everyone is like that. But then again, I guess I give people the benefit of the doubt too often.

    @Bachian
    From your experiences though, did they lead you to believe that they were? I mean from what I read, we were both very into each other which is why I fail to comprehend what went wrong.

    and I agree with you there, and I try to follow that, but I just let my guard down big time. It was my first time at disney and as cliche as it may sound, it was truly a magical time.

    @K15theelement
    I know someone like that isn’t worth the time, but it just sucks not getting that closure. Like I just wish I knew what went wrong.

    @No_Hookups_steve
    Not necessarily better but I appreciate you sharing the story. It’s very ironic indeed and as someone else said, I do plan on leading by example. Especially when it comes to those I come to meet in person or at least have talked to for a certain amount of time .
  • Wolfdaddy

    Posts: 58

    Sep 22, 2017 7:20 PM GMT
    When someone ghosts you the clearest message they are sending is "I don't want to continue the relationship. I don't want to discuss why I don't want to continue the relationship. Becuase discussing why I want to end the relationship would mean I care about you enough to tell you the truth."

    So it's better to let that person go because they really don't want to talk with you or hear about your feelings.
  • Timbre

    Posts: 11

    Sep 23, 2017 1:27 AM GMT
    Wolfdaddy saidWhen someone ghosts you the clearest message they are sending is "I don't want to continue the relationship. I don't want to discuss why I don't want to continue the relationship. Becuase discussing why I want to end the relationship would mean I care about you enough to tell you the truth."

    So it's better to let that person go because they really don't want to talk with you or hear about your feelings.


    They don't have to hear about the other person's feelings though? If you never met the person in person and only talked through messaging, I could maybe understand that reasoning to a certain extent. But if you went through the trouble of meeting them in person, and giving them the time of day. You should at least have the respect and decency to tell them it won't work out (assuming the outing went decently well and they weren't rude, disrespectful, etc).

    And yes, it is clear that they don't care about the other person to notify them, but like I said, you don't know the kind of impact it may have on the individual that you are ghosting. Of course, I understand the situations vary, but it's just my overall opinion on the matter. At the end of the day, ghosting sucks. We all do it and we've all experienced it, but I think we should strive to at the very least tell the person straight up that it wasn't going to work out.
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    Sep 23, 2017 10:57 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about this rather frustrating experience. I think most of us have dealt with people like the one in question. It is very common. I won't read too much into it though. It could be something as predictable as he isn't interested in you or he found someone else or may be he was seeing many other people and it is someone else's time to get attention or he already has a boyfriend who is on to him so he is avoiding you right now. It could be that he is sick or his family member is going through trouble or his phone keyboard is not working or work/school is keep him too busy and stressed out etcetera. The reason could be anything, excuses are infinite. I would say, don't conclude it is over given you really enjoyed his company but do not wait for him either.

    And if you end up going back to him, you should take this as a lesson that his words are not always to be taken seriously and this means do not include plans that are prepaid or require you to cancel other plans to make way for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2017 2:46 PM GMT
    The reason I have ghosted a couple of dates is because they were not worth any more of my time. Some people are boring, banal, plastic, shallow and stupid. Any of those traits show themselves on a date, I usually walk. No time for needy know nothings.
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    Sep 23, 2017 4:18 PM GMT
    Wolfdaddy
    When someone ghosts you the clearest message they are sending is:

    I don't want to continue the relationship.
    I don't want to discuss why I don't want to continue the relationship because discussing why I want to end the relationship would mean I care about you enough to tell you the truth.

    ChartsAndMapAstrologer
    And:
    I don't want to admit that I am wrong because I was not not on the same page with you before we went to Disney Land, Disney World, what have you.
    I don't have a problem using people.

    Timbre
    So it's better to let that person go because they really don't want to talk with you or hear about your feelings.

    ChartsAndMapAstrologer
    There are people who are not introspective, contemplative, communicative, sympathetic, empathetic.

    Timbre
    They don't have to hear about the other person's feelings though?

    ChartsAndMapAstrologer
    No. They don't care about your feelings, your hurt feelings, your problem. They are unapologetically that way.

    Timbre
    If you never met the person in person and only talked through messaging, I could maybe understand that reasoning to a certain extent.

    ChartsAndMapAstrologer
    Understand it to the fullest extent.

    Timbre
    But if you went through the trouble of meeting them in person, and giving them the time of day. You should at least have the respect and decency to tell them it won't work out (assuming the outing went decently well and they weren't rude, disrespectful, etc).

    ChartsAndMapAstrologer
    Very naive.
    If you want better, select better.

    Studying Astrology (charts and Astro*Carto*Graphy), the I Ching, Rhetoric (for example beyond Speech101, there is Toastmasters) is Junior and Senior level areas of study.

    Psychology (including Self-Help, Self-Improvement), Sociology, Christian Coping Skills, Great/Classic Literature (especially drama, opera, tragedy), Classical Music Appreciation are Freshman and Sophomore areas of study.

    If you haven't prayed next to a man, you cannot expect much of him. If two have not prayed in duet, have zero expectations of decency, respect, and goodwill.

    Timbre
    And yes, it is clear that they don't care about the other person to notify them, but like I said, you don't know the kind of impact it may have on the individual that you are ghosting.

    ChartsAndMapAstrologer
    Child, you seem to have no grasp of how irresponsible and careLESS people can be and how incapable they are of being responsible and caring.
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    Sep 23, 2017 11:57 PM GMT
    Timbre said
    From your experiences though, did they lead you to believe that they were? I mean from what I read, we were both very into each other which is why I fail to comprehend what went wrong.


    You just never know what's going on inside the other person's mind. To add insult to injury, if you are infatuated or dazzled by him you might wrongfully interpret his gestures as demonstrations that your interest is requited. You can be sure I don't do as I preach as I always become too optimistic about his interest and I always get my heart broken in the end. The truth is you should never try to "read" something so important. You're better off asking first and making no assumptions. If it's still too awkward to make such questions it's because it's still too early to make assumptions.
  • Eleven

    Posts: 380

    Sep 24, 2017 6:17 PM GMT
    I made plans to go on a date with this guy and my manager made me work last minuite and I forgot to cancel and he asked me what happened and I explained to him.

    Then next week he brings a guy to my work on a date on purpose to rub it in my face lol

    To be honest I didn't like him to begin with and when he did that I thought to myself "thank god I dodged that bullet "
  • Timbre

    Posts: 11

    Sep 26, 2017 3:28 PM GMT
    bachian said
    Timbre said
    From your experiences though, did they lead you to believe that they were? I mean from what I read, we were both very into each other which is why I fail to comprehend what went wrong.


    You just never know what's going on inside the other person's mind. To add insult to injury, if you are infatuated or dazzled by him you might wrongfully interpret his gestures as demonstrations that your interest is requited. You can be sure I don't do as I preach as I always become too optimistic about his interest and I always get my heart broken in the end. The truth is you should never try to "read" something so important. You're better off asking first and making no assumptions. If it's still too awkward to make such questions it's because it's still too early to make assumptions.


    That's very true and understandable. We were also drinking while we were there so it's very plausible I misinterpreted the signs but I am usually pretty good at ready that sort of thing and people's energies. If it comes to it, I'll definitely ask him but only once I'm sure it may not just be in me overthinking things. We have chatted since here and there which I'll take as a good sign that maybe he was truly busy. Only time will tell I guess.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2017 7:41 AM GMT
    Based on my own observation and experiences, I think most guys are afraid to be Confrontational, no one likes to be called out.
    Or sometimes, newly out men are afraid to express their own emotions and feelings. So the coward way to deal with thing is
    to IGNORE and GHOST someone. Kinda like ignore on Grindr. I think it comes down to so many gay men have been *Damaged or
    experienced being bully or whatever so now they're closed off some what and don't wanna deal with a Face to Face civilized
    Dis-interested conversation. I definitely experienced this recently with a close gay friend, we went to Vegas together for a couple
    days early September, but ultimately I found that he's too much of a negative impact on me and there wasn't any real romantic
    feelings from me to him. I kindly told him this and wanted a little space, I'm backing off. He retaliated by cutting and ending off all
    contacts with me phone, cell, social media. Kinda hurt a bit but I've gotten over it, thinking, well I'll only have a good memory of him
    and wish him well. There will be other guys in my life, it's better just to cut out the negative people. GL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2017 7:25 PM GMT
    I am frankly not going to read all of that, but as a former opponent to ghosting...I have changed my tune. Not that I am the cherry on top of the cake, but most people can't take the truth, especially when it is so personal as dating. The ego is even stronger with gays...So, instead of explaining anymore why I don't believe we are a match and getting cussed at and at times being called racial slurs; I will gladly ghost or block. Life is so very short.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2017 12:00 AM GMT
    Lesbian_Lover saidI don't agree


    You don't like the guys in your own league and guys above your league have better things to do than seeing you.

    Under the pressure of drought your defenses lower and you go see a guy you would otherwise reject.

    No wonder you ghost all the time as you said yourself.

    If you were seeing guys you were actually into, you would be the one being ghosted.
  • mhd8912

    Posts: 4

    Dec 01, 2017 3:53 AM GMT
    Unfortunately, I know the feeling of being ghosted oh too well. I was recently in a relationship with a guy and he ghosted me.

    We met at his place of work. He is a bartender at a straight club but it's common to see gay men there. He was working and he saw me approached me. We had talked a long time ago on one of those apps and always had great conversation but just never met. He approached me and we talked and exchanged numbers. We went on a couple of dates and everything was going great. I was totally into him. After a couple weeks of dating, we made it official. Yes, you can say that we went fast but it felt right to me. So, everything was going great in the beginning and then he started to act weird and distant himself. I would go until 9 or 10 pm before I heard from him and when we talked he didn't seem interested. I was asking all the questions and he was giving short answers. One day I texted him and he took hours to reply. Meanwhile though he was posting and replying all over social media. That upset me because I felt like I wasn't a priority to him. I told him how I felt and I wanted us to get together and talk and come to some kind of resolution. He never replied to that and he just stopped communicating all together. He wouldn't reply to my texts or phone calls. He would eventually break up with me through Facebook. I woke up one day, checked it and noticed he changed his status to single.

    It hurt like hell and it still hurts. I'm trying to move on. I still have no idea why he ghosted me. I was supportive of him being a bartender, I tried to do everything I could to show him how much I like him and care for him. I've been ghosted on in multiple relationships. I wish I knew why it keeps happening to me. It hurts. You're just left there hurt and confused. No one deserves to be ghosted. If you invested a good amount of time into them, the least they can do is talk to you, even if it means things coming to an end. I'd rather be rejected than to get ghosted. I think people are just afraid of confrontation and they don't know how the other person is going to react. They don't want drama or scene. So they just do the easy thing and that's to bail. Ghosting a selfish, immature, cowardly thing to do.