You men with boyfriends/husbands: How did you do that?

  • steevoooo

    Posts: 14

    Apr 17, 2018 2:10 AM GMT
    Dating advice: Where did you meet your partner? How long did it take? I'm a younger guy that came out early on so between the ages of 17 and 25, I've gone on dates and have met a ton of dudes but for whatever reason, no one I meet wants a serious, possibly long-term relationship. If anything, it seems like if I bring up that idea being something I want, they run for the hills. How did it happen for you? Help me out!
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    Apr 17, 2018 2:34 AM GMT
    Maybe it's your youth. This won't help - both times for me were random and lucky, neither time did I meet "tons of dudes," and both times I was older (30 and 55), so by definition perhaps my demographic is more serious about relationships.

    My first relationship started when I was turning 30. I was ready to settle down, thinking I didn't want to be one of those sad ancient 40 year olds going to bars and clubs (lol!) and even though I didn't put out the relationship-ready vibe, I met the man I'd spend the next 23 years with till death did us part simply because I started putting myself out there and met him randomly through a third party on his boat (he was five years older).

    Now, two years after his death, while I wasn't ready to be in a relationship I felt I was ready to start actually dating. But right before I started dating seriously, while seeing someone for three weeks prior somewhat sporadically that I 'd become certain was sleeping with at the very least his jealous roommate, I met another guy on a hookup app, had instant chemistry and despite both of us having zero expectations and neither of us looking for or even being ready for an actual relationship we both just "knew." Ironically given some recent crap I've gone through, he's a doctor, or rather a psychoanalyst, and younger, Cuban-American and a former national aerobics champion, international exercise celebrity on Telemundo and top Miami step instructor, and despite his retirement from the fitness industry he's kept and even improved his fabulous body (Best Booty EVER). He's cute as a button, kind, altruistic, scrappy, and drives me WILD. My old friends from New York met him and have a uniform reaction: "You met a quality guy on Grindr? Who DOES that?" And of me he says there's no one in Miami like me (still not sure what that means) and he waited his whole life for me (and HE had two previous rocky relationships). On month five, we've passed the honeymoon stage but are still going strong (fingers crossed).

    What makes the relationship work so far, and what made my past relationship largely work, is that in both neither of us expected perfection in the other and were willing to overlook each other's quirks. Some may call it settling, but if you hold out for perfection (not that you've given any indication that YOU are), you're probably destined to remain uncoupled for the long term.
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    Apr 17, 2018 2:53 AM GMT
    My current boyfriend (our first date was two years ago tomorrow) and I met on OK Cupid. This is my third serious relationship. My previous relationship was with my ex-husband. He and I dated for two years and then were married for seven years. We met on the now-defunct website planetout.com. My first serious relationship, which started when I was 36, had its start when he and I met at a gay alumni party during homecoming weekend at the University we had both attended (but not at the same time since he was five years younger than me). I guess you just have to put yourself out there, "kiss a lot of frogs", try to enjoy the process, and not minimize the importance of making and retaining platonic friends. For me, several nice friendships came about in recent years from guys with whom I went out on a few dates but for one reason or another didn't evolve into romantic relationships. But I still value those experiences and those friendships.
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    Apr 17, 2018 3:56 AM GMT
    When I met my lifelong partner. It was before the internet, and internet dating.
    So we met face to face, and the foundations of our further life were laid, and been building for almost thirty years, and all of this time has been spent, intergrading with the border community, and not some gay ghetto.
    I living in the bush, and he in the city. With me about to move back to said city.
    We've had some most beautiful visitors in our relationship!
    But no journey of almost 30 years, is full of beautiful visitors; there are dips too.
  • jocked_and_lo...

    Posts: 5145

    Apr 17, 2018 4:58 AM GMT
    I met my guy from Scruff. We've been together for a little over four years.

    This was a needle in a haystack sort of scenario. I've me other guys from online and it never worked out before.

    Finding compatible dating partners is not easy.

    Hope you find someone.
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 7490

    Apr 17, 2018 5:26 AM GMT
    It's always better, I think, to meet people in "real life" rather than on an app.
    That's why I try to encourage a functional gay community.
    Not orbiting the bars and limited to on-line (and somewhat artificial) life.

    I think this is something that challenges the younger generation in a different way than my generation.
    "Kids" today tend to be out to their friends, whereas 20-30 years ago they were mostly closeted.

    Back when cell phones were rare (and didn't have screens) and before the internet. if you wanted to meet other gay people you had to leave your house (gasp!) and either go to a bar, cruise the streets or the appropriate bookstore or seek some form of gay social life.

    Today "kids" can socialize with their straight friends, even bring a date or all go dancing at the gay (or straight) club.
    Other times they can hit the apps.

    Oddly enough, I met my first bf on-line as I was coming out at 23.
    Lasted 2.5 years before we hit some irreconcilable differences.

    My partner of 16 years I met at a funeral. He accompanied the guy he was dating.
    I had just met someone (through friends) the night before and we dated for a few months.
    When we met again, we were both single and the rest is history.

    I know it's harder in smaller areas, where there is no critical mass, but I think one's best bet to find someone is not to look on an app where the only common denominator is being gay - and thus the majority of people are looking not for a relationship but sex. Not that there aren't great people out there (witness eagermuscle's story; I've also made friends on Grindr), but it's an uphill struggle.

    Since you're in Houston, I'll add another story that goes back to GayBowl 2010.
    That's the national gay flag football tournament, which that year was in Phoenix.
    Two of my (Michigan) players met (independently) 2 players from Houston.
    When GayBowl came back to Phoenix in 2013, the members of one couple proposed at the closing ceremony.
    (Some of us knew that both sides were planning to do so and we had to make it work. lol.)
    Here we are, 8 years later, and both couples are still together. icon_biggrin.gif

    The only sad part for me is that both Michigan guys ended up moving to Houston.
    Oh! That means you need to join the Houston team, meet a Michigan boy, and move up here. icon_lol.gif
  • Element1313

    Posts: 409

    Apr 17, 2018 6:10 PM GMT
    It seems the gay social apps have ironically impaired traditional dating and pair bonding.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 426

    Apr 18, 2018 3:17 AM GMT
    Long story. we each thought the other was a hooker at first so kind of avoided each other for months. Finally got a little tipsy and talked. Turned out he was a banker and I was an architect. I guess in some weird way we were hookers LOL
  • riverrunner

    Posts: 54

    Apr 18, 2018 3:42 AM GMT
    He answered my Yahoo ad. That was 18 years ago. We emailed, talked on the phone and then met for lunch. Dated for 2 years before we moved in.
  • hazak

    Posts: 13

    Apr 18, 2018 3:46 AM GMT
    I met mine on Tinder haha.
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    Apr 18, 2018 9:12 AM GMT
    The most common method I've heard of it happening nowadays is don't look for a relationship, just keep hooking up as much as you can and eventually at some stage you'll end up hooking up with a guy that will be into you enough that he'll want something more.

    Then traverse through a period of being in an open relationship and either stay that way or wait until you both eventually decide to become monogamous with each other.

    Either way it seems that everything has to start with the sex.
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    Apr 18, 2018 10:52 AM GMT
    I tried the apps... failed miserably at it. I was trying hard to keep things on the downlow, and I was too trusting of too many catfish.

    Meanwhile, there was this guy I worked with. Cute and friendly... there came a point that he was no longer working with us, we bumped into each other and he made a move. I was shocked, but welcoming. Neither of us were out, and had only the barest inkling that we swung 'that way'... that is until we confirmed it together. ;-)

    After about a year of being friends with secret benefits, we realized that somewhere along the way, we were in love together. That changed everything.

    We can keep some guy we're fucking a secret... but love needs to be shouted from the rooftops. We made plans to come out, plans that went WAY off-kilter but we helped each other through it all together and came out of it stronger.

    Now we're married, and everyday feels like a honeymoon.

    If there's a moral here... i think it's that you can't go out LOOKING for love. You need to let love sneak up on you, and say 'thank you' when love hits you over the head.
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    Apr 18, 2018 4:54 PM GMT
    TrendyMoaners saidThe most common method I've heard of it happening nowadays is don't look for a relationship, just keep hooking up as much as you can and eventually at some stage you'll end up hooking up with a guy that will be into you enough that he'll want something more.

    Then traverse through a period of being in an open relationship and either stay that way or wait until you both eventually decide to become monogamous with each other.

    Either way it seems that everything has to start with the sex.


    I disagree with you about " everything has to start with the sex " , to my eyes and knowledge of my old years , sex should happen way into the discovering of the relationship .
    First you should start to know the person , their liking in life , their character , how they interact with others , how they treat others , how they respect others , and if you are fine with the way they are , then start a relationship .
    A relationship has to be built on before going to the sex part !
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    Apr 18, 2018 5:37 PM GMT
    I was really attracted to one guy at a gay club. So strongly that I approached him, something I rarely do, really too shy and unsure of myself when it comes to self-promotion. I guess I was properly motivated (and salivating). He came home to bed with me first night we chatted, became a 2-year LTR from that moment.

    Another guy was featured in a local newspaper article. Nothing in the article said he was gay, but my gaydar alerted. I wrote him an old-fashioned letter icon_exclaim.gif , that he replied to by phone at my University office. Met him next night at his home after work, immediately had sex, another 2-year LTR.

    Two more were both through AOL's gay chat rooms. In contact for months, I finally decided to meet each in person. Although happened separately, 6 years apart. I visited them, at their invite. Also had first-night sex (I see a pattern here).

    The first became my partner, beginning as an LDR until we got a house together. Continued until his sudden death. The second I live with now, after 11 years together.

    I wouldn't necessarily recommend my tactics (and antics) for anyone else, And we are all different.
  • Jubadiju

    Posts: 221

    Apr 19, 2018 6:53 AM GMT
    We met on OkCupid, on other sides of the world. Haha definitely wouldn't recommend that as a route, but it happened for us icon_smile.gif Met after 6 months, married after 2 years.

    Had had a few boyfriends before, and many lovers, but never had that feeling that I could see far into the future with them.
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    Apr 19, 2018 9:26 PM GMT
    TrendyMoaners said...keep hooking up as much as you can and eventually at some stage you'll end up hooking up with a guy that will be into you enough that he'll want something more...Then traverse through a period of being in an open relationship and either stay that way or wait until you both eventually decide to become monogamous with each other.

    Well, yes and no.

    The night I met him that was it for me. No other men, and I canceled that other guy I started dating a few weeks earlier (when I decided to dive into the dating pool it was the deep end, I didn't ask what either did for a living, and found out over a week into each that one was a porn star bodybuilder and the other a psychoanalyst, I kid you not).

    I didn't mention that I was exclusive to the relationship to the second, the psychoanalyst, from the get-go, waiting until about six weeks into the relationship before telling him, unsolicited, because I didn't want to freak him out. His response was he wasn't expecting to hear that I TOO was monogamous. Yay us! Fingers still crossed.

    Still monogomous - but I'm not averse to reading the RJ profiles of never-local hotties who view mine, lol.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 649

    Apr 19, 2018 10:15 PM GMT
    We met on OkCupid, hung out a few times, had a great connection, wanted a lot of the same things in life and here we are today 2 years later going strong.

    I was 23 when we made it official and my boyfriend was 21.

    I know I would like a broken record but I can't recommend OkCupid enough. All of my serious dating prospects came from there.

    I think it also helps living in the suburbs or a rural area since a lot of guys want to "settle down" fairly young here while there's too much action, temptation and fast-lane living in most cities for both ppl (especially a ypung gay couple) to focus on a monogamous relationship (though of course still technically possible).
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 206

    May 13, 2018 2:38 AM GMT
    In short, instead of writing a whole story, just be yourself. I suggest being up front with what you really want from the relationship.
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    May 26, 2018 2:47 PM GMT
    I am in literally the same position! Granted, I’m a lot less outgoing and a lot more shy than you, but I totally understand what you’re saying. I’m over hooking up with guys who just want sex, not even a friendship. I don’t exoect to get married immediately of course, but a serious relationship would be nice. Though, that involves me being able to convey face-to-face my interest in such
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    May 26, 2018 5:24 PM GMT
    To Steevoooo:

    I gave my own personal details above, but some more "global" or generic thoughts & suggestions -

    Much as I hate to admit it, in violation of my belief that our fate is mostly in our own hands, there's a fair element of luck and random timing involved. The only solution I can suggest is patience and perserverance. You gotta keep at it and work at it, and don't get discouraged and give up. Improve your odds by devoting some time, resources and planning to it. If you take a laid-back lazy attitude to finding a guy your odds of failing multiply.

    Your apppearance is important, but personality is paramount. An Adonis may have to beat the guys off, but if he has an ugly personality they soon want to beat HIM and run away in short order. Developing your personality takes books to discuss, can't be done here. But focus on it more than on your looks.

    Regarding your own looks, I've always taken a chameleon approach. I do have a preferred look for myself, but I'm not inflexible. Maybe it's my theatre & TV training, but I adjust to the part and my audience. Also maybe because I have no vanity, and certainly no love, for how I do naturally look. Instead I'd love to look like ANYTHING better than what I do. And so I must compensate, working with what I'm stuck with.

    In a professional, preppy setting I look preppy. In a leather/bear place I'll go leather (in my younger days with the motorycle right outside). In a western setting I go farm boy, etc. And not mere acting - during my lifetime I've done lots of things, can legitimately be comfortable & authentic wearing many hats. That may not be something other guys can convincingly do. But it was helpful to me at the time when I was single.

    Be self-sufficient financially. Most guys don't want a dependent to support. Being dependent also makes your motives suspect if you need his support. Do you love him, or his money? He's gonna ask that question to himself. You don't have to exactly match his worth, but be able to be independent of him, your own man. Be able to take on some of the combined expenses with him if you live together, and to gift him with things.

    Define what kind of guy you want. Or is it any guy you can snag? If it's a specific kind, look for him where that kind is found.

    When I lived in your Houston the gay clubs were mostly for younger, your age. Down in the Montrose the Ripcord was for leather (mostly doing 'stand & pose', rather laughable), Bricks's for a slighter older pickup truck crowd. Also a bunch of clubs on Pacific Street, more for twinks. Across town off the River Oaks section there was Keys West, for the piano bar seniors crowd (gone now).

    Downtown is Rich's, a great dance club with good stage shows, wide demographic, I think now straight-owned. Some of these places are closed or changed today, but you would know. Point is, you have territory to work.

    I also briefly belonged to the Gay Men's Chorus of Houston, my late partner their Performance Director. Still have their embroidered polo shirt I wear. You might consider joining, or if you don't want to sing, become a supporter and still participate. Wonderful guys, who do their own private social events. Houston also has an MCC Church. If you want a gay-friendly Christian church, this could be your place. And a great way to meet quality gay guys.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 4667

    May 30, 2018 5:58 AM GMT
    my 12 year i met as a couple at a gay club at the university. I had to wait for them to break up which took forever. I played squash with the one I didnt date for the entire time.

    My current 5 year was on a hookup site. Write a really really long profile page (like something that is several pages) weeds out the guys wanting dick pics and fuck in 15 minutes kinda guys.

    you are young so it will be harder, but a 6 month boyfriend is easy enough, to find out what it is like. Just ask, be clear if they put out, you are too lazy to find someone else and you will just come back and fuck him regularly and go to some movies on tuesday every week. Think of it like domesticating a wild animal.

    Another way to find someone is to make your profile pic a toy or stuffed animal with you obscured in the background (but showing promising assets).
    I have a dating profile online of a troll doll (named gruff...actual plastic with that fun fur hair). the entire profile is written from his point of view being an actual magical creature and 7" tall. He gets hit on by hot guys way more than I did at my peak. They all want to know who is behind him.

    It is weird, but stands out.

    I just checked and he has 85 people wanting to meet him since I last logged on. CONFIDENCE is key.
    33995725_10156189406350115_8649100541051
  • niceguy_321

    Posts: 28

    Jun 01, 2018 8:19 PM GMT
    I met mine online and we have known each other for 8 years, but we weren’t officially dating until 4 years ago because we were living in different states. Also, he was going through a lot during this time and I helped him with it.

    I feel that we have a great relationship because we started off as friends first. Get to know each other and find out if this is the person you want. I feel that a lot of guys either jump into a relationship or into bed first which makes it difficult later on (either it was about sex or the relationship wasn’t compatible). While there may be exceptions to this; however, in my own experience I have found that being friends first really develops that relationship and bond which makes the sex even better because of the wait. I have dated and had relationships prior to my current guy. I jumped into a relationship with my first guy in high school without knowing each other and the other was based on a hook up because of my first relationship which led into a relationship but ended badly.

    Now, I’m not saying that you need to wait four years. But you know when you have built a friendship and then you fall in love with your best friend.
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    Jun 01, 2018 8:54 PM GMT
    niceguy_321 said
    Now, I’m not saying that you need to wait four years. But you know when you have built a friendship and then you fall in love with your best friend.

    Very true, very wise. I found that guy a number of times, through many paths. First he had to become my best friend, then became even something more. To ultimately be my partner he could be nothing less. My late partner, and my partner today, whom I call my husband, first became my best friend.

    Despite the fact that I would trick with a guy at the first opportunity when I was single, I wouldn't consider making it more until some time had passed. Giving us both time to evaluate, run down the private checklist we all use, although often won't admit to having one.

    Finding your partner is a process, not a single event. But you might get interested in him in a flash. Subsequently learning if he's a liftime keeper should take longer, if you want the outcome to be joyous & permanent.
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    Aug 11, 2020 10:10 AM GMT
    The last time I split with someone, I was still in my 20's, and can still count all the men I've dated on one hand.
    In fact when I met my now husband, I was looking for an apartment, not a boyfriend.
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    Aug 15, 2020 1:54 AM GMT
    I’ve never had a relationship before and where I live it’s next to impossible to find someone. That’s why I’ve been on various dating apps for years and never had any luck besides being put in the friends zone. I think that’s my position in life at this point. That guys like me more as a friend then someone they can get to know and maybe even love. But for me it’s location...I live in a small tourist/retirement town where our revenue comes from the tourists who flock here every summer and winter. And no matter how I try, I just can’t seem to get a guy to take that next step into meeting face to face. They shut me down instantly once the word distance is uttered and I get my hopes smashed all over again.