Are you a side piece?

  • Aidenz

    Posts: 52

    Jun 27, 2018 2:33 PM GMT
    So this weird thing happened to me lately. There was this guy I was seeing on and off again. I really liked him but he kept having to go to San Francisco. He finally got back in town and agreed to go on a date. A few hours before the date he reveals that he's been seeing someone else seriously and cancels the date. It really shook me up. I decided not to dwell on it too long and texted a few guys I've hooked up with to see if they wanted to get together. It turns out about half of them were already in relationships or seeing someone seriously, even while we were hooking up.
    I decided that I'm not comfortable being someone's side piece or at the very least I'd prefer to know if I'm fucking someone else's man. I think the only way I'd be comfortable with that really is if we all knew each other as friends or if they invited me for a three way.
    I feel like this has revealed that I'm not very good at romance. I keep thinking that I didn't compete in some way and that's why I don't get the attention and responsiveness that I want from my romantic partners. Similarly, when it's just about sex, I need to make it very clear what I want and not get too mixed up about feelings.

    I'm really struggling to understand what other lessons I should be learning about this. I'd appreciate any input and understanding. And please, if you've had similar experiences or you've just had a rough time romantically, please feel free to comment. Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 27, 2018 4:11 PM GMT
    I think the term that stood out in your posting was your willingness to be "the third in a three way". You need to believe your special enough to be in a one on one relationship... Hence feeling like a side piece. My two bits.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 27, 2018 5:09 PM GMT
    "I feel like this has revealed that I'm not very good at romance."

    Never take responsibility for other people's issues. That being said, we can always figure out things we could have done differently and it's great you're eager to learn from your experiences. Simply asking up front when you meet someone if they're seeing anyone might be your big takeaway from all of this.

    Just curious: You never said, how long were you dating this guy? Did he ever imply he wasn't seeing anyone else?
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 3899

    Jun 27, 2018 5:29 PM GMT
    "I decided not to dwell on it too long and texted a few guys I've hooked up with to see if they wanted to get together."

    In other words, you couldn't have the guy you wanted so you decided to just go for some random sex with whoever.

    You're putting yourself in the position of being a "side piece".
  • Element1313

    Posts: 401

    Jun 29, 2018 12:54 AM GMT
    The gay hookup apps have reprogrammed guys so that the guy-on the- side is the rule not the exception. One study said that the hookup apps are as addictive as opiates so you are dealing with irrational drug fueled behavior and horniness which has always been irrational. I don’t get the part where they decide to make one of their hookups a BF which they may or may not be fucking as much as the guys on the side. Solution is go with the flow or stop being gay.

    quote][cite]Aidenz said[/cite]So this weird thing happened to me lately. There was this guy I was seeing on and off again. I really liked him but he kept having to go to San Francisco. He finally got back in town and agreed to go on a date. A few hours before the date he reveals that he's been seeing someone else seriously and cancels the date. It really shook me up. I decided not to dwell on it too long and texted a few guys I've hooked up with to see if they wanted to get together. It turns out about half of them were already in relationships or seeing someone seriously, even while we were hooking up.
    I decided that I'm not comfortable being someone's side piece or at the very least I'd prefer to know if I'm fucking someone else's man. I think the only way I'd be comfortable with that really is if we all knew each other as friends or if they invited me for a three way.
    I feel like this has revealed that I'm not very good at romance. I keep thinking that I didn't compete in some way and that's why I don't get the attention and responsiveness that I want from my romantic partners. Similarly, when it's just about sex, I need to make it very clear what I want and not get too mixed up about feelings.

    I'm really struggling to understand what other lessons I should be learning about this. I'd appreciate any input and understanding. And please, if you've had similar experiences or you've just had a rough time romantically, please feel free to comment. Thanks.[/quote]
  • Aidenz

    Posts: 52

    Jun 29, 2018 8:16 AM GMT
    bro4bro said"I decided not to dwell on it too long and texted a few guys I've hooked up with to see if they wanted to get together."

    In other words, you couldn't have the guy you wanted so you decided to just go for some random sex with whoever.

    You're putting yourself in the position of being a "side piece".


    Eh you're not wrong. I just found it kind of odd. I guess I got it in my head that the guys I hooked up with were these single guys who, if they didn't genuinely like me, at least thought I was exceptionally hot.
  • Aidenz

    Posts: 52

    Jun 29, 2018 8:21 AM GMT
    Radd said"I feel like this has revealed that I'm not very good at romance."

    Never take responsibility for other people's issues. That being said, we can always figure out things we could have done differently and it's great you're eager to learn from your experiences. Simply asking up front when you meet someone if they're seeing anyone might be your big takeaway from all of this.

    Just curious: You never said, how long were you dating this guy? Did he ever imply he wasn't seeing anyone else?


    Thank you. This was really insightful. We were on again off again for about 9 months. Our dates were few and far between. I wouldn't think anything of the fact that we wouldn't get together for long periods of time because he would often have to work in San Francisco or would visit his family in North Carolina. Maybe those were moments were he was seeing someone else. I have no way of knowing other than to ask him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2018 11:19 AM GMT
    It's not uncommon for men, straights or gays, to want to collect a harem. Of either women or men. Or a genuinely bi-sexual man a harem of both. With some men it's a trophy collection vanity, and enjoying an excess variety of pleasures.

    And a harem often has a "principle"member, and lesser members. The OP is saying he believes he's got one of these pharaoahs for a friend, or a King Solomon, perhaps a sheik. And giving guys like that a "Choose one of us" ultimatum typically doesn't produce an action in your favor.

    Therefore, I suggest if that situation is not acceptable it's time to walk away. I doubt it could change to where it ever will be. Until the friend's advanced age makes keeping a harem no longer a sustainable option for him, or something his hormones & ego prompt him to want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2018 3:01 AM GMT
    Aidenz said
    Radd said"I feel like this has revealed that I'm not very good at romance."

    Never take responsibility for other people's issues. That being said, we can always figure out things we could have done differently and it's great you're eager to learn from your experiences. Simply asking up front when you meet someone if they're seeing anyone might be your big takeaway from all of this.

    Just curious: You never said, how long were you dating this guy? Did he ever imply he wasn't seeing anyone else?


    Thank you. This was really insightful. We were on again off again for about 9 months. Our dates were few and far between. I wouldn't think anything of the fact that we wouldn't get together for long periods of time because he would often have to work in San Francisco or would visit his family in North Carolina. Maybe those were moments were he was seeing someone else. I have no way of knowing other than to ask him.



    I guess if you never talked about monogamy you can't really complain about it. Although I'm sure it still hurts just as much either way.