Dating, relationship, and singleness issues.

  • vanquishedang...

    Posts: 817

    Mar 14, 2019 10:03 AM GMT
    So I am just going to put my thoughts out here on this but I have been single for years now and by choice. I get hit on all the time and people call or text my work phone asking for wine dates or to get food etc (my business cards, I am a Massage Therapist). The issue is I am not really attracted to them. The ones that have the courage to speak to me or ask are not people I am attracted to, but I am also not afraid to talk to them so this could be why.

    I am also not in a hurry to get into a relationship either, I do not want to end up in one because I feel like I need to be, nor do I want to be in one that I feel obligated to be in one either (usually because we hang around each other and the other person thinks we are in a relationship, despite me telling them to the contrary, yes it happens).

    If I am to be in a relationship I want someone with the same drive as me, and some of the same interests as me. I want someone who has the drive to care for themselves. I want to be with someone who I do not have to financially carry. I do not mind helping each other, but I want someone with a job or a drive to get a job. I do not care if they have a big house or anything, just that they are trying to do something with their lives and take responsibility for themselves. Being physically active is important to me and we do not have to do it together, but I feel we should both have an interest in it. I want someone who has a plan for the future.

    Many of the ones who talk to me are physically out of shape and have no drive to care for themselves. Very few have a plan, and generally, I am not attracted to them or have little in common with any of them at all. Most pretend to be into the things that I am into but are not, it is sweet but also not genuine.

    For my dating history, I generally have not dated anyone that I was attracted to, I find it hard to talk to them. Most I have dated have been out of shape people with no interest in workouts and I find this can kill my drive. I would rather be alone than end up in yet another regrettable relationship where I am babysitting for them or what have you. So I simply keep myself busy with workouts, work, and more work so that I have little time.

    In the process, however, I am getting older. And the people that have once hit on me are now in relationships themselves (I am happy for them) and I am starting to feel as if life is passing me by at times. I feel that my ship is sailing and I might miss the last boat. The problem also is that once someone gets close enough to me, I push them away because honestly I do not know how to date, what to say, and I have grown safe and comfortable in my aloneness.

    I am afraid to date because I do not want to waste any more of my time, money, effort, or life on people that take me for granted. Since I work all the time, I have nothing to talk to others about to even have a conversation. This is a battle between loneliness and freedom. Sometimes I feel shallow because I want someone that is into being more fit like me (and there is no shortage of people that tell me I am when I make it clear I do not want to date). I am also not sure I want to slow down yet, I work a lot and have plans for my life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2019 10:14 PM GMT
    Your post sounds very sensible to me and I believe I understand where you're coming from, though you've left out some critical details.

    You mentioned what you want from a guy in terms of lifestyle. We all understood that and it makes perfect sense. I just need to know what he must look like. That is not a small detail, because even if you claim you're not visually oriented, we can't say the same for the ones you're after.

    You are tall and ectomorphic, like me. The average Joe would look a lot bigger than you, having the lifestyle you have. It's easy to forget that the world is judging you by how you look, not how many pounds of muscle you've put on. For all intents and purposes, you'll be seen and treated like a thin guy, regardless of your bodybuilding accomplishments. You've built yourself enough to hover above the do-nothings, but it's possible that your target audience sees you just like you see the ones you don't like.

  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 4088

    Mar 15, 2019 6:34 AM GMT
    You will have plenty to talk about. You offer good opinions here and seem like a great guy...a catch.

    Don't get trapped in the thought that those were the only guys attracted to you. They were the only guys that found you. How are you putting yourself out there?

    Dating doesn't have to be time consuming. You can limit first dates to just a coffee or a drink, or a pleasant walk that you know of. But don't bother making them if you're not attracted on some level.


    I used to make hike dates when I lived near the woods. The 30 minute loop if it's not going anywhere. The hour loop if you're really interested.

    And if you're interested, but tongue tied, don't panic or give up. Start thinking of real compliments the minute you lay eyes on him. And find an opportunity to touch him. Action can speak louder than words...and those will come to you later when your heart stops racing


    I bet if you wrote a clever profile on scruff with a nice pic, you won't be able to keep up with the replies. And you'll be in complete control. I wouldn't mention relationships unless you have a good line for it and need it said.. Sounds like you'll get turned off if he gets too clingy too fast.
    If you decide to try that, let me know. I can share some experiences and advice.
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 720

    Mar 15, 2019 8:25 AM GMT
    You are wordy and needy. I just fuck guys and go home
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 720

    Mar 15, 2019 8:29 AM GMT
    Let's make it short and sweet. I can't get laid with guys that have met me in Real Life so I need to fuck a guy I meet online. Fat, short, small dick?
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 720

    Mar 15, 2019 8:30 AM GMT
    so many friends like that
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 720

    Mar 15, 2019 8:33 AM GMT
    Im sorry that I am harsh but being fake doesn't work for me
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 720

    Mar 15, 2019 8:35 AM GMT
    Wild Sky I loved what you wrote
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2019 11:04 PM GMT
    OP is a niche preference to his target audience and lives in a small town. What could possibly go wrong...
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 4088

    Mar 16, 2019 3:23 AM GMT
    Vanquishedangel never said he wanted a particular body type, as much as an attitude and a similar goal orientation.
    I can relate to a lot of what he said. Especially guys telling you what they think you want to hear. If you create a too compelling narrative, the replies are often uncontrollably wishful thinking. Can also relate to not wanting perfection; just someone moving forward at a reasonable pace. All things I said on dating sites and hinted at on more aggressive sites like scruff. Now I think less is more. Guys reveal themselves pretty quick in chat. No need to lure if they're already interested.

    Since I offered advice, I've been reflecting on it. It's an advertising issue...really.
    You're only meeting guys from a very limited pool, mostly consisting of clients or friends of...or friends of friends. That can work out great if the selection is big enough. It's not a matter of doing better. It's the fact that there are guys out there that would be thrilled to meet you. They just aren't in your circle .


    Think of some classic "vanquishedangel lines you say to yourself or to closest friends. something that reveals your personality. I wouldn't go declaring what you like and don't like. That's for the chat or the meet. You'll judge the compatibility before responding..but be open from a distance. Assume you are open to all quality guys but leave specifics out of it. It should just be an obvious assumption. Same for same.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 4088

    Mar 16, 2019 3:35 AM GMT
    cyborg saidOP is a niche preference to his target audience and lives in a small town. What could possibly go wrong...


    Not impossible though. My favorite husband traveled across the state, to meet me face to face, after a few weeks of intriguing, online chat. I didn't take it seriously because of the distance ...until he announced he was already on his way. I was in a little mountain town of about 1000 people. Not exactly the gay buffet. But I'm glad he took that chance.

    But yeah...our boy is probably gonna have to expand his options.

    I wouldn't say niche at all. He's a sweet, successful, sexy guy....looking for the same. He never said exactly who his target is. I don't get the impression it's a body type exactly. I think i get it.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 4088

    Mar 16, 2019 3:44 AM GMT
    Triggerman saidYou are wordy and needy. I just fuck guys and go home


    LOL
    I feel like that sometimes. Actually, I wish I felt like that more. It would be so much easier. But I fall in love if they're nice.

    He's pretty careful with his words. Much more than I am half the time.
    He said upfront I'm just gonna lay it all out there. That's pretty honest and open for advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2019 5:04 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2019 5:22 AM GMT
    wild_sky360 saidVanquishedangel never said he wanted a particular body type, as much as an attitude and a similar goal orientation.


    While OP omitted the physical traits he's after, he did mention he doesn't like guys out of shape. We can all do the math.

    Many guys look exactly like him... while doing nothing. The ones who have his attitude and goal orientation will, for the most part, look bigger and fitter, and seek someone who looks like them. Why? Because most guys are shorter than OP and shorter guys have much faster results. Having a fit lifestyle counts very little if you don't look the part. OP does not look like he has a fit lifestyle because his height waters everything down.

    OP is niche in the same way J. S. Bach is niche. Doesn't mean you're shit, it just means your fans are very few. He is lanky and will only attract a select group of guys who likes or tolerates that body type. No amount of advertising can prevent this.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 4088

    Mar 16, 2019 7:20 AM GMT
    df232392febd2fa7a228f5ebae8e16d9--timoth

    so I wouldn't have to wrestle you for pretty slim jim?
  • vanquishedang...

    Posts: 817

    Mar 16, 2019 9:03 AM GMT
    cyborg said
    wild_sky360 saidVanquishedangel never said he wanted a particular body type, as much as an attitude and a similar goal orientation.


    While OP omitted the physical traits he's after, he did mention he doesn't like guys out of shape. We can all do the math.

    Many guys look exactly like him... while doing nothing. The ones who have his attitude and goal orientation will, for the most part, look bigger and fitter, and seek someone who looks like them. Why? Because most guys are shorter than OP and shorter guys have much faster results. Having a fit lifestyle counts very little if you don't look the part. OP does not look like he has a fit lifestyle because his height waters everything down.

    OP is niche in the same way J. S. Bach is niche. Doesn't mean you're shit, it just means your fans are very few. He is lanky and will only attract a select group of guys who likes or tolerates that body type. No amount of advertising can prevent this.


    I get what you said and you have valuable input in many threads you post in. I have dated overweight guys but am not attracted to them, attraction can be multifaceted with me because if you make me laugh, that will work too. I have also dated short thin guys. If I have a physical body type that I like it would be tall with a swimmers build. I really focus on the effort as opposed to straight out appearance for this reason, effort to take care of yourself to me is important because it could be something we share. Also, it sucks when the other does not put any into themselves and draws you away from putting effort into yourself.
  • vanquishedang...

    Posts: 817

    Mar 16, 2019 9:15 AM GMT
    Triggerman saidLet's make it short and sweet. I can't get laid with guys that have met me in Real Life so I need to fuck a guy I meet online. Fat, short, small dick?


    I am not sure you are understanding me, mocking me, or if I am misunderstanding you. I could easily get laid with guys I have met in real life, it is just that I do not want to, little to anybody shares my interests or has the personality to match. I live in a small town up north, honestly, there is not much up here. I am not fat (little belly covering my abs, annoying but small, due to my high caloric intake), many are shorter than me but that is ok, I am 6'1", Small dick, many that I have slept with yes, me, no. I am no porn star by any means, but I dated a guy where my little finger was bigger. I am happy with what I got.

    When it comes to guys I am interested in, or I think are attractive, I have little or nothing to say. I Think I push them away because I do not make eye contact and my words are very short with them, usually "hey, hows it going?" without eye contact. I am shy. Whereas a person I am not attracted to I speak to them while making eye contact and smiling because it is easier.

    I suspect this is a result of living in a small more conservative town up north, it is defensive because being gay can still get you in trouble in many places so you learn to "hide" your attraction more. As for wordy, this was a thread about my thoughts and is open to advising. I
  • vanquishedang...

    Posts: 817

    Mar 16, 2019 9:42 AM GMT
    wild_sky360 saidVanquishedangel never said he wanted a particular body type, as much as an attitude and a similar goal orientation.
    I can relate to a lot of what he said. Especially guys telling you what they think you want to hear. If you create a too compelling narrative, the replies are often uncontrollably wishful thinking. Can also relate to not wanting perfection; just someone moving forward at a reasonable pace. All things I said on dating sites and hinted at on more aggressive sites like scruff. Now I think less is more. Guys reveal themselves pretty quick in chat. No need to lure if they're already interested.

    Since I offered advice, I've been reflecting on it. It's an advertising issue...really.
    You're only meeting guys from a very limited pool, mostly consisting of clients or friends of...or friends of friends. That can work out great if the selection is big enough. It's not a matter of doing better. It's the fact that there are guys out there that would be thrilled to meet you. They just aren't in your circle .


    Think of some classic "vanquishedangel lines you say to yourself or to closest friends. something that reveals your personality. I wouldn't go declaring what you like and don't like. That's for the chat or the meet. You'll judge the compatibility before responding..but be open from a distance. Assume you are open to all quality guys but leave specifics out of it. It should just be an obvious assumption. Same for same.


    I feel you get me, but I see you are midwestern to. I do not go outside of my circle and even if I did, there is not much here. I think you are correct.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 4088

    Mar 18, 2019 1:57 AM GMT
    vanquishedangel said
    wild_sky360 saidVanquishedangel never said he wanted a particular body type, as much as an attitude and a similar goal orientation.
    I can relate to a lot of what he said. Especially guys telling you what they think you want to hear. If you create a too compelling narrative, the replies are often uncontrollably wishful thinking. Can also relate to not wanting perfection; just someone moving forward at a reasonable pace. All things I said on dating sites and hinted at on more aggressive sites like scruff. Now I think less is more. Guys reveal themselves pretty quick in chat. No need to lure if they're already interested.

    Since I offered advice, I've been reflecting on it. It's an advertising issue...really.
    You're only meeting guys from a very limited pool, mostly consisting of clients or friends of...or friends of friends. That can work out great if the selection is big enough. It's not a matter of doing better. It's the fact that there are guys out there that would be thrilled to meet you. They just aren't in your circle .


    Think of some classic "vanquishedangel lines you say to yourself or to closest friends. something that reveals your personality. I wouldn't go declaring what you like and don't like. That's for the chat or the meet. You'll judge the compatibility before responding..but be open from a distance. Assume you are open to all quality guys but leave specifics out of it. It should just be an obvious assumption. Same for same.


    I feel you get me, but I see you are midwestern to. I do not go outside of my circle and even if I did, there is not much here. I think you are correct.

    =====================

    Anyone you discover online, from a distance, or from a block away. In the same town, that you just do not walk down regularly...yeah..he might be unobserved a few blocks away. Regardless, he will eventually have to get approval from your circle. And they won't want to give you up...so expect criticism.

    But you are in a little more than shouting distance, of some really great liberal hubs. Madison, Milwaukee, St Paul. Probably where your heart beats faster.

    Imagine a day trip away to meet someone you've been chatting with for a few weeks, whose pictures and words you have achieved bliss with.
    Better yet, imagine showing a city guy around the town that you call home. Personally, I'd be living on the very edge of one of those bright green areas on the map, but you haven't said what draws or keeps you there. I'm an outdoors man, but my spidey sense would say aging parents, which is noble and stoic, and very admirable. But if that is the case, and you're not leaving, make your area desirable. I lived in the foothills of all the ing's of everything Seattle guys wanted to do,,,skiing, hiking, climbing. There was a lot of sorting.

    There will be more disappointments than hits. But even if you casually date...just for fun////please state that upfront..nothing worse than feeling used after being intimate...your exposure will be exponential. His friends may like you. His friends may passionately desire you...more than he did ..A possibly unpleasant situation but not an automatic train wreck.
    I am just suggesting opening up your audience. Within reason, if you're planning on staying in Wasuau, but you deserve a great guy by your side wherever you are and throughout the journey.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 2575

    Mar 18, 2019 2:54 AM GMT
    Consider moving to a larger town - like Minneapolis or Milwaukee? There have to be a very limited number of prospects in th area around Wausau.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1873

    Mar 24, 2019 5:51 PM GMT
    All I can say OP is that I do understand the struggle as my experience(s) have been more of less the same in the sense of attracting guys I have absolutely no interest or attraction in. However you are definitely in a much better position than someone like me since you're more masculine leaning whereas I am more feminine leaning and I'm sure you know how that goes lol. Anyway, reading a bit more of your comments, this definitely sounds like a result of living in a small town and you may have a better chance meeting guys if you moved to a larger city area or at least a place that isn't a small town.

    A good experiment you should try is download one of those GPS location changer apps and places your location in a place that is more populated and then hop on some gay app and see how you do. In my experience as I do pretty terrible where I live, I changed my location once to a place in Germany and I was actually a getting a bit more interest, at least moreso than I usually get where I currently am. It' can be a good eye opener that lets you get insight into other places of how you may do.

    Unfortunately Cyborg also highlighted a not so fun truth that a lot of the time the guys we wish would be into us just won't be. Again, I do get the gist of what you were getting at about the kind of guys attract like the out of shape when you yourself aren't and are active and all that jazz. I think the only thing we can do is just hope we may meet the right guy or if not, learn to be okay with being single and just be happy you tried to look and didn't end up in a relationship you resent or regret.