20 and 34. Workable or just a waste of time?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2007 12:54 PM GMT
    Ok guys I need advice from some older and wiser men.

    About a month and a half ago I was out at a club, dancing away and this guy caught my eye. After looking back n forth for about 20 minutes and dancing with my friends he ended up coming up to me, we started dancing together, let me just say from the beginning he is unbelievably sexy/attractive/gorgeous lol. After about 30 minutes on the dance floor we went for a drink outside on the balcony, and had a great conversation, we really clicked and it was great.

    Somehow the question of age didn’t come up and from how he looked and what he was saying about his life I was assuming he was about 26/27, a spice girls song came on over the speakers and I laughed, he asked if I liked them and I responded "not so much I like them anymore, but I used to love them when I was eight" he responded with a shocked look and a dropped jaw "WHAT!? How old are you!?"
    "Umm...19...how old did you think I was?? and wait..how old are you??"
    He went bright red, looked really embarrassed "I thought you were about 24...I'm 34" The whole thing came as quite a surprise to both of us and we laughed it off, age isn’t really an issue for me and like I said, he looks young and is hot as lol.

    We swapped numbers and ended up meeting up for a drink a week later, hit it off amazingly and since then have been seeing each other and going on dates bout once a week. I'm really starting to like this guy, he's amazing, intelligent, really funny, sweet, and romantic, an unbelievable kisser, stylish and classy and just generally everything I’ve been looking for. I would like to have a relationship with him but he's being confusing as hell and it’s driving me crazy. Yes I realise a relationship with him would be more difficult than with someone closer to my own age and in the future there is the potential for complications but I figure it's fruitless to live by what 'might' be in a few years time and to take what fates provided and enjoy life.

    However I think the age thing is getting to him a lot more than it is to me and is making him really uneasy about the whole situation. What should I do?? Do you guys think it could actually work out? He's told me he really likes me so how can I convince him to just relax and have fun?

    I'm 20 in a week and I think it might help slightly that he won't be saying to himself "I'm dating a teenager" lol. Without sounding pretentious I would say that I am very mature for my age, I've lived by myself for a year and a half in Italy and the majority of my friends there were either expats or young Italian professionals all aged around the 27-30 mark so I feel comfortable socialising with people older than myself.

    If you have made it this far thankyou for continuing. I know I tend to ramble/rant but I suppose it's better to have too many details than too few lol. Any advice or ideas will be greatly appreciated,
    Thanks a lot!
  • rugbyjockca

    Posts: 84

    Oct 16, 2007 1:38 PM GMT
    My first real long term relationship was when I was 21 and he was 31, and we lasted 4 years. There were ups and downs, like any relationship, but I think that we did a good job (at least for the first couple of years) and with the exception of a few bumps along the way, age was rarely an issue.

    The biggest obstacle, I think, comes with where the two of you are in life. People can change a LOT in their 20s, and the two of you, once the "honeymoon phase" wears off, may find that you're looking for different things right now, and that could be tough.

    Your relationship might need a lot of compromise (he may have to put some dreams "on hold" while you may have to hurry to "catch up"), but it definitely can work. I know there are gay couples out there who've been together for 20 years or more, despite some pretty significant age differences.

    The only thing that I regret as far as age, now that the relationship is over and 5 years behind me, is that I feel like I missed out on my early twenties, specifically the partying and dating and finding out what I liked. I went into a serious relationship before my sexual identity was fully formed (I thought I was a bottom, but - surprise!- I learned through the relationship that I prefer to top...unfortunately, so did he). When the relationship did end, I felt really behind a lot of the guys my age because they all seemed to have more experience with dating, and all of my experience was with having a long term relatiuonship.

    Whatever happens, I wish you luck, and enjoy the good stuff. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 16, 2007 1:59 PM GMT

    Stop analysing things and jsut go for it. You're still very young, so you've got time to waste. What have you got to lose?

    I've a friend who's partner is 20 years younger than him and they've been together 7 years, so these things can work.

    However rugbyjock has some great advice in infact you were in a long relationship with this guy then you might end up regretting the years you could've been out being single and sowing your oats.

    Still, if he's a great guy, why not?


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    Oct 16, 2007 5:27 PM GMT

    Check out this earlier thread on age v. chemistry. There's a lot of good suggetions/advice there.


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    Oct 16, 2007 5:57 PM GMT
    How long does it have to work out for it to count as having worked out?

    I would say you two are in different stages of life and always will be. It wont last. Therefore, enjoy him as a friend, but dont get all commited. Wait for someone closer to your age. And wait for yourself to grow up more. You are too young for any commitment.
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    Oct 16, 2007 6:00 PM GMT
    Ask him to buy you things. If he loves you, he will. icon_twisted.gif
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    Oct 16, 2007 6:06 PM GMT
    Don't worry about the age thing. Just go for it.

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    Oct 16, 2007 6:52 PM GMT
    Hey marius87....your story is quite similar to mine in that I met my other half at 19 yrs old....he was 32 back then. Same thing brother...he couldn't believe i was 19...although he looked his age so 32 wasn't a surprise to me.

    He sensed my no-nonsense commitment ideas and according to him my overall level of maturity. I saw his interest and dedication to me and within a few months our ages no longer ment anything. Our interest and activity levels couldn't of matched more. Were about the same height(helps with clothing), same athletic abilities, same outdoor interest, same commitment to family and values, both felt insane attraction....you get the picture. We'd be stupid had we not given it a shot!

    Here we are nearly 10 years later. And by the way...as time goes by you will see the age difference dwindle. Pretty soon we'll both be over 30 and that sounds a little more balanced than 19 and 32.

    Give it a shot my man!!!
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    Oct 16, 2007 6:53 PM GMT
    Well, there is a big part of me that says you should just be enjoying this time with your friends, focusing on an education/career, and learing about yourself. It's usually pointless to tell anyone that though. Unfortunately, I know so very many guys that never took time for themselves when they were in their 20's. They never developed any sense of self outside of a relationship. I know it's easy to want to rush but life really starts getting good at 30 and it can be an amazing time to start sharing your life with someone...but anyway, you'll see that for yourself icon_smile.gif I'm certainly not saying it would be a waste of time though. I'm saying don't obsess over it but enjoy it. Just don't let anyone one person or relationship become everything to you because that happens easily at any age but especially when you're younger. You describe yourself exactly as I would have described myself at your age. Even so, I changed and grew as a person an enormous amount from 20 to 30. Over those years, there were 2 very important guys in my life. My relationships with them were extremely important and valuable. I'm better and stronger because of my experiences with them. They're both still very good friends so I would never say it was a waste of time sharing my life with them.

    So, that's a true gemini's perspective on that issue. There's good and bad either way you go. Just keep your head on straight and it will all work itself out for the best.

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    Oct 16, 2007 7:01 PM GMT
    Give it a shot, but just as everyone else has mentioned, it seems that you both are at different stages in your life which can then put focus on the age difference. As long as you guys can discuss things and work things out, it can work.
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    Oct 16, 2007 7:25 PM GMT
    My two cents. I say go for it. If you want it to be a more long term thing then don't make sex the priority. Eventhough, in the begining it is the spark. Get to know each other on different levels. It can and does work! As time goes on the age thing matters less anyway.
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    Oct 16, 2007 9:53 PM GMT
    From what you've written, you don't have a problem with the age difference, he does. Unfortunately, you can't control the way he feels or the decisions he makes.

    The best thing you can do is tell him how you're feeling. Let him know that the age difference isn't a concern for you. Tell him you care for him and that you'd like to give it a shot.

    I was very mature at 19 myself and I understand how you feel. Nothing in life is promised and I would hate to see you regret missing out on something that has the potential of being very special.

    Take care and good luck. - Jorel

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    Oct 16, 2007 10:23 PM GMT
    Jorel makes a good point. You BOTH need to be OK with the age difference. But so long as you both are, and both are interested in the same type of relationship (whether it's open, monogamous, or whatever), why not?

    I'm 38 and my BF is 23. Granted, we've only been together for a few months, but it's going really well and we're both really happy. I like younger guys and he likes older; we have plenty of things in common and both want the same kind of relationship. So it works.

    It's hard enough to find someone special without putting on age restrictions. I say go for it.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Oct 16, 2007 10:37 PM GMT
    I'm 37 and my bf is 51. We will be celebrating 15 years on December.

    Age can be an issue, but not always.
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Oct 16, 2007 11:04 PM GMT
    I'd say you owe it to yourselves (both of you) to give it a chance and find out if it's love. If it is love, then age will be a minor thing (if at all). Don't let the numbers stop you, lots of things are workable.
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    Oct 16, 2007 11:11 PM GMT
    Yes, age can definitely be an issue. But it isn't always the case and it isn't always a doomed relationship. I met my partner when I was 21 and he was 45. This past Saturday was our 16th anniversary. Now, we've been having problems the past 2 years and I'm not really sure how much longer our relationship is going to last. However, the problems we are facing right now are not really related to the age difference. Sometimes over a long period of time, people change. I have definitely changed and so has he. And although I don't know how much longer we will be together, I do know that we've gone thru rough times before, so I wouldn't be surprised if we end up working things out. Bottom line is this -- if age isn't an issue for you and it isn't an issue for him, then I'd say go for it. Just like any relationship, having things in common and similar goals in life will definitely help.
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    Oct 17, 2007 2:02 AM GMT
    thanks all for your responses,
    it's nice to have some insight and opinions from others who actually know what they're talking about. I'm seeing him friday night so it'll be interesting to see how he's acting, I'm tempted to just get straight to the point and just establish if im wasting my time or not.
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    Oct 17, 2007 8:05 PM GMT
    McGay you are wonderfully evil lol.

    I say stop over analysing everything. Its when you start thinking too much that things truly start going to hell. If its not flowing naturally things will become stifled, build up and eventually explode.

    Enjoy what you have at the moment, like any relationship know that there is a possibly that you might not last.

    And if you think that he's acting weird, speak up and find out. For all you know it may just be in your head.

    What I can say from personal experience, however, is that the older guys that I have stopped talking to had very little to do with age, but simply because we weren't right for each other. rest assure I can and will use the age bit in a heart beat to lesson the blow, but The truth is I'm campable of being with anyone of any age if they fit what I'm looking for.

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    Oct 18, 2007 4:13 PM GMT
    here's my contribution. my longest relationship (almost 7 years) was with someone who was 20 years older than me. We met when I was 25. i wouldn;t have changed that time for anything. now i have the inverse. i am dating someone who is 22 with almost the same age difference. so far. so good. go for it and don't look back.
  • iHavok

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    Oct 18, 2007 4:15 PM GMT
    my ex was 7 years younger than me, and we had a great three years together. It's a matter of you guys
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    Oct 18, 2007 4:18 PM GMT
    Age can be an issue. My last bf and I had an almost 10 year difference but as you get older it makes less of a difference.

    If he has a problem with the age issue, then it's his problem and it might get in the way of you two having a more fulfilling relationship.

    You guys should still be in the "honeymoon" phase and if you are having issues already, then it might be time to see what else is out there.
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    Oct 18, 2007 4:41 PM GMT
    I'm not exactly older but you don't have to be old to use common sense.

    Keep in mind he's going to show age more than you. If you like him for how he looks then don't bother. Save yourself the problem with still potentially being together down the road.

    If you like him for the person he is go for it. You have nothing to lose.
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    Oct 18, 2007 4:53 PM GMT
    I recently went to a birthday party of man celebrating his 80th birthday. That in itself was fascinating as this guy had the energy and vibrancy of a 60 year old.

    Anyway, his partner is 46...a whopping 34 year age difference! But guess what, they have been together 17 years. Which means they met when they were 63 and 29 years old repectively.

    As I have gotten older, I see age as irrelevant. If your man is older, but is "young-at-heart" and you happen to be younger, but more mature in attitude it may be a perfect fit.

    Just psychologically split the 14 year age difference between you so you get to be 27 and he gets to be 27, and on you go! icon_smile.gif

    True love is not a drive by sport and is a rarity.

    I think its worth exploring this guy further if you really feel strongly toward him.
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    Oct 20, 2007 5:15 PM GMT
    Well just got home from my night out, no more advice necessary he took charge of the situation and sorted it all out for me, his exact words were something along the lines of "You're practically everything i could want to find in a guy, but our lives are just in two completely different places and both of us are just going to get hurt."
    Irregardless of how wrong i think he is lol I suppose all i can do is respect his decision and move on. I'm 19 for another 5 days so I'm going to use some naive hopefulness and choose to belive it all gets easier as you get older and men and relationships become smoother and easier to understand :-P
    Thanks everyone for all your great input icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2007 5:20 PM GMT
    For the number of times that this thread has come up, even just in the last few weeks, can't we just create a "FAQ" or something, that we can point people to?

    "I'm 20 but I like an older guy can it really work?????????????"

    Please see FAQ #20.12.1, subsections a-d