So near but so meaningless

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2020 11:39 AM GMT
    It's just another day I wish there were someone to lean on. To accommodate me for just a few moments. To understand the fear that terrifies me from being known, from coming close, from having a friend. The terror that steals my sleep, the arms that crave warmth. Am I really alive? Is this really me? You and I live life so differently. I don't understand why they are all happy but my smile quivers with fatigue.

    I get it. I understand. I'm wasting your time. I notice you look about, a flick of the wrist to tell you the time, an alarm on your mobile, a phone call more pressing, agitation in your mind, wanting to escape. I can sense I'm in your way, holding you back. Just not good enough.

    I know I have flaws but I'm sorry I'm not what you hoped for. I'm sorry I just can't get it right. I'm sorry that everyone I meet I tire or run away from, knowing I'll exhaust them or need more from them.

    Is there someone with whom I can smile? In exhaustion and emptiness I constantly seek euphoria. It's all I have but sometimes the drugs don't work. Sometimes I'm shutting down. Hoping. Waiting. Paralyzed.

    The days are short, the nights are even longer. Every day as I walk the streets all the people around me don't know I exist. I'm just a shadow. I'm just there. So near to you, but so meaningless.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2020 5:42 PM GMT
    you do seem very boring