Sexually Passive Partner

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2020 1:17 PM GMT
    I have been with my partner for a few years now. Our relationship is generally pretty smooth, but I have an issue with our sex life. I am vers and he is total bottom (although making some effort to become vers for me). Not having a vers partner is a frustration for me because I feel limited sexually. But what's more frustrating is the fact that my partner is very sexually passive.

    I usually have to initiate sex. And then once we start, I feel like I have to lead everything we are doing (when we kiss, when we do oral, when we change position). He wants me to lead everything we do in bed. And when he does try to take the lead, it feels forced and awkward.
    I could talk to him about this, but I don't see him as someone who wants to or who is naturally able to share the lead in the bedroom. But I don't really want to have sex with him lately, because I resent having to go do all the work. Sex shouldn't feel like work.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I'm not sure how to handle it and I feel like the decreased sex is creating some distance in the relationship.

    Thanks!!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5263

    Jun 09, 2020 9:03 PM GMT
    Assuming this isn't just Global Pandemic Shelter in Place blues, which a lot of us are getting, I'd suggest you try to find some way to get sexy talk back into your routine. Do you guys compare opinions of guys walking down the street? Comment on some guy "He's cute-- looks like your type... That guy makes me think Three Way! Whatever your style is. Maybe even do a three-way. Find a pattern that reminds you both of fun sex without it actually being possible right then. You'll both be in a better mental place when opportunity presents. Also, sometimes, sleep patterns get off. I'm a night person and my partner is a morning guy. Recognize when is best to approach your guy for sex is just an expression of love. No one knows him better than you! But even if it turns out he just has a low sex drive, that's part of who he is (assuming it's not medical). Be sure to hold onto intimacy as the #1 thing. Everything else can be worked out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2020 6:59 PM GMT
    I don't know if it's a recent issue, or you always found such level of passiveness from him. Other than doing all the work, the part that bothers me most in such scenario is when one person always has to initiate the sex. This is to me is really a borderline deal breaker in a relationship. I did date someone like that for a while, and I had to break up because of such behavior. Obviously, it wasn't just the lack of initiative which contributed to the break-up, but still it mattered a lot. If I put it bluntly, for me it just mean the guy isn't really into me sexually, and I am not going to force someone to be with me if he doesn't find me attractive enough.

    So based on the fact that if this wasn't always the case, I would suggest talking with your partner how his passiveness is bothering you. If it was always there, I am not sure how much you can work it out without either opening it up or going your own way. Again it depends a lot on how you feel in general outside of the sex. So if everything else is really great - like he cares about you, is respectful, and shows interest in what's going on in your life, then I would put an effort in figuring it. If the rest of the stuff is also meh, then I would really consider whether the relationship is actually healthy or not.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 4667

    Jun 11, 2020 1:36 AM GMT
    i would take awkward sex over no sex, but always being the one to initiate, and usually get rejected, sucks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2020 4:07 PM GMT
    Queerdenker saidSo based on the fact that if this wasn't always the case, I would suggest talking with your partner how is passiveness is bothering you. If it was always there, I am not sure how much you can work it out without either opening it up or going your own way. Again it depends a lot on how you feel in general outside of the sex. So if everything else is really great - like he cares about you, is respectful, and shows interest in what's going on in your life, then I would put an effort in figuring it. If the rest of the stuff is also meh, then I would really consider whether the relationship is actually healthy or not.


    Thanks for your thoughts!

    This is not a new issue, he has always been like this.

    If I think about it, him initiating sex is less of an issue. He does initiate sex, just in an indirect way, by touching me more or showing off his body. It is like an invitation for me to say, "babe do you want to go have sex now?". I wish he could be more forward, but I do know that he is interested at least.

    I am bothered by his passiveness in bed, but I have never talked to him about it because I think it is just his personality and I want him to feel safe, loved and accepted as his authentic self. We have been open for most of our relationship, and so normally I could play with other more sexually assertive guys to get that need met. But, because of Covid we are currently closed, and now I am realizing how much his sexual passiveness is a turn off for me. Because of his passiveness, I find I'm not super excited about sex with him a lot of the time.

    Overall the relationship is good, and I wouldn't say sex in a relationship is the most important thing to me. But, I would hope to enjoy sex with my partner more than I do with anyone else. Maybe it is not realistic to expect my partner to be the best possible match for me in every way
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2020 4:17 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidAssuming this isn't just Global Pandemic Shelter in Place blues, which a lot of us are getting, I'd suggest you try to find some way to get sexy talk back into your routine. Do you guys compare opinions of guys walking down the street? Comment on some guy "He's cute-- looks like your type... That guy makes me think Three Way! Whatever your style is. Maybe even do a three-way. Find a pattern that reminds you both of fun sex without it actually being possible right then. You'll both be in a better mental place when opportunity presents. Also, sometimes, sleep patterns get off. I'm a night person and my partner is a morning guy. Recognize when is best to approach your guy for sex is just an expression of love. No one knows him better than you! But even if it turns out he just has a low sex drive, that's part of who he is (assuming it's not medical). Be sure to hold onto intimacy as the #1 thing. Everything else can be worked out.


    We talk about guys that we like all the time. A lot! lol And we have had shared sexual experiences with other guys. He probably has a higher sexual appetite than I do. I just don't love the way that he has sex. I want someone to have sex with me, whereas it feels like he is a bottom that just wants to be used. Nothing wrong with that, it's just not how I like to have sex (whether, I'm topping or bottoming).

    Silly question, but what do you mean by intimacy though? Talking? Cuddling? gentle touching and kissing? Maybe if there is another part of sex that I could focus on with him, it might feel more natural and less like I'm doing a service for a hungry bottom (no offence to hungry bottoms).

    Thanks <3