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In case of my death, send e-mails...

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Mar 15, 2009 2:58 PM GMT

An interesting online article at MSNBC, about people who make arrangements for others to notify online friends if they should die. And about the troubles survivors had contacting online friends when pre-arrangements were not made by the deceased.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29681926/

I faced this when my partner died in 2004, and I tried to contact his AOL friends, among others. This article mentions passwords and SNs now being written in final instructions, stored on USB flash drives, and even a company that provides an online death notification service.

Grim but wise I suppose, although I see some problems. The biggest is phony death notifications, which I saw a number of times on AOL. Roomies would get themselves a second AOL account, under which they claimed to be a different person, and tell everyone their original persona had died.

A very sick grab for attention & sympathy. And strangely a number were discovered in their lies because eventually the "new" person would slip-up and his original identity would become apparent. After we had all mourned him and been upset.

So I can see similar problems with some of what this article discusses. Do any of you have such arrangements?

HndsmKansan

Posts: 17168

Mar 15, 2009 3:15 PM GMT

Thanks for an interesting discussion and pointing out something which really is (and increasingly will be) an issue.

I certainly have made arrangements via will and trust. We all should take the initiative to see that our "estate interests" are in order. Remember as gay men, those of us with bf's or partners risk the elimination of them as
beneficiaries, unless we have made arrangements.... TAKE THE TIME AND DO IT!

Sorry a little off the point, Red, but wanted to say that. Along with these arrangements, I have suggested a written set of instructions, kept in a lock box at a bank.. giving information for the surviver or the family of the deceased to take action. I don't have instructions as per your thread here, but probably should consider it. If I got smacked on the road, my RJ friends wouldn't be notified via e-mail, but I have friends here that would figure out what happened. Some don't have that luxury.

As far as the "faking", thats outragious, but nominal problems like that shouldn't stop others from setting up such procedures....

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Mar 15, 2009 6:03 PM GMT

After my almost demise last year I have a notebook I keep hidden that details stuff like passwords and stuff. Some of it is - Do not look in the bag under my bed just throw it out. Of course they will look in the bag so I made it into a prank. Knowing my family they wouldn't do anything with the notebook but it is there. I have also thought about starting an anonymous blog detailing events and stuff from my life. I am sure that some people I know would want to know some stuff and when I pass on they would have plenty to read if they were inclined to do so. I would like to make a video to be played at my funeral and yes I wouldn't pass up the chance at saying, "If you are seeing this it means I am dead". Anyone who actually knows me would get the humor.

On a related topic did you know that there is a website you can register at that will send an email to all of your friends and family in case the second coming of christ takes them away?

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Mar 15, 2009 6:14 PM GMT

It is important to get wills and trusts done - and don't forget to give copies to your executor / executrix or co-trustees. Sometimes people do all the work involved and don't let anyone know where the documents are, i.e. which bank or safe deposit box. Be careful to do this, so your assets won't end up with someone you don't want to benefit........like a nasty next of kin!

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Mar 15, 2009 7:59 PM GMT

A couple of posts here have introduced the related topic of wills and final arrangements in general. Let me mention my own experience:

My late partner & I decided after living together a year that things had become "permanent" and so we needed to have legal documents drawn, not being in a US state that allowed us marriage or civil unions. But then we procrastinated, pure & simple, and never had them done.

One morning he woke up in complete dementia, though I had seen some early behavioral changes about 4 days earlier, that I had dismissed as being due to heavy holiday drinking. I rushed him to the hospital where he was judged mentally incompetent, unable to make decisions for himself, and I had no legal standing with him.

Fortunately the hospital was understanding, and I was not about to be denied, so that I was actually consulting with the doctors regarding his care from day one. Within 3 days I had secured an emergency court order making me his legal guardian and conservator of his estate, putting me in charge of his medical care (and BTW, setting a legal precedent in that state for a gay couple).

Tragically his condition was incurable and he died 6 weeks later. What I learned was to not delay documents giving each other full authorities and inheritance rights. My partner suddenly developed dementia from AIDS; yours may have an unpredictable car crash.

Don't make our mistake and wait for a "trial period" of living together to decide. If you're gonna live together, sharing rent and other mutual arrangements, then you need to have those legal safeguards as required in your state or country. And documents can be undrawn as easily as drawn, if you should later break up.

My current partner & I didn't repeat that mistake I had made previously, and we got all the legal papers done barely 2 months after I moved in with him.

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Mar 15, 2009 8:12 PM GMT

Red_Vespa said...although I see some problems. The biggest is phony death notifications, which I saw a number of times on AOL. Roomies would get themselves a second AOL account, under which they claimed to be a different person, and tell everyone their original persona had died.

A very sick grab for attention & sympathy. And strangely a number were discovered in their lies because eventually the "new" person would slip-up and his original identify would become apparent. After we had all mourned him and been upset.

Well, you may have missed it, but we had one episode of that here. Someone with the screenname Kyle-something who lived in Belfast. The original post claimed it was Kyle's roommate posting on his account and that Kyle had been hit by a car while riding his bike.

Only problem is, the roommate's writing style (very unique and peculiar) was identical to Kyle's unique and peculiar writing style. Not hours later, Kyle was miraculously resurrected, claiming his roommate was playing a prank, and obviously Kyle was mad as hell at him.

Kyle didn't seem to realize how transparent all of this was.

On a completely different note, I had an acquaintance who did die recently in an accident. He wrote a fairly popular blog that has many readers. Days after his death people were posting and asking why there were no updates. Some assumed he was on vacation and wished him a relaxing time. Some assumed he was off running a marathon (as he often did) and wished him luck. None of his friends or family knew his blog's password or they would have posted the news of his passing to his readers.

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Mar 15, 2009 8:26 PM GMT

Well when I die. No-one will need to be notified, as I'm not having a funeral of any kind. Most definitely no religious service.

Cremated, thats all I won't.

So no need to notify anyone.

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Mar 15, 2009 8:30 PM GMT

Global_Citizen said
Red_Vespa said...although I see some problems. The biggest is phony death notifications, which I saw a number of times on AOL. Roomies would get themselves a second AOL account, under which they claimed to be a different person, and tell everyone their original persona had died.

A very sick grab for attention & sympathy. And strangely a number were discovered in their lies because eventually the "new" person would slip-up and his original identity would become apparent. After we had all mourned him and been upset.

Well, you may have missed it, but we had one episode of that here. Someone with the screenname Kyle-something who lived in Belfast. The original post claimed it was Kyle's roommate posting on his account and that Kyle had been hit by a car while riding his bike.

Only problem is, the roommate's writing style (very unique and peculiar) was identical to Kyle's unique and peculiar writing style. Not hours later, Kyle was miraculously resurrected, claiming his roommate was playing a prank, and obviously Kyle was mad as hell at him.

Kyle didn't seem to realize how transparent all of this was.

Yes, I do remember that, now that you mention the roommate prank (jprichva had also referenced that Kyle guy above). Which shows it can be difficult to know when a death or serious illness posting by a third-party is legitimate or not.

When I announced my late partner's death online, I linked it to his obituary, an online service the funeral home provided. I also linked to the florist that I was using for his memorial service, and he did in fact get quite a few arrangements from online gay friends around the US, which really touched me.

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Mar 15, 2009 8:41 PM GMT

Red_Vespa said
Yes, I do remember that, now that you mention the roommate prank (jprichva had also referenced that Kyle guy above). Which shows it can be difficult to know when a death or serious illness posting by a third-party is legitimate or not.

Which also goes to show I don't often read the threads before posting...

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Mar 15, 2009 8:53 PM GMT

Global_Citizen said
Red_Vespa said
Yes, I do remember that, now that you mention the roommate prank (jprichva had also referenced that Kyle guy above). Which shows it can be difficult to know when a death or serious illness posting by a third-party is legitimate or not.

Which also goes to show I don't often read the threads before posting...

That's OK, it took the 2 of you to jog my memory about the Kyle incident.

treader

Posts: 238

Mar 15, 2009 8:54 PM GMT

I have a will and trust. Actually my family did them all together. My dad was relucant about getting one so my brother had the idea that all of us getting one would convince my dad. It did - and thank god because my dad passed away a year later.

Since I'm single, everything is going to charities. I do need to check on the wording because I've seen some charities list the exact wording that you should use. I also wanted to add some other charities too.

My brother is the executor. (Yes, he knows all about me.) I saw the movie Ciao recently (a friend has to help clean out his best friend's place after he was suddently killed - a great movie by the way). I realized that my brother needed a lot more information if something happened to me so I wrote up my friend's email address, phones number, co-worker's information, internet passwords, account numbers, etc and mailed it to him.

It's not a fun subject to think about, but it's necessary to plan ahead.

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Mar 15, 2009 9:17 PM GMT

Good idea .. we should've thought about it long ago ..
We are in a time that online friends / relationships / communities are as important as the (let me call it "offline") world ..sometimes even more.

Damn, when I think about it, death can be less funny sometimes ..

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Mar 15, 2009 9:21 PM GMT

Everyone who knows me, know where to send their emails: to my man, PRDGUY.
Not planning to die in the near future, but as I've often seen in my line of work, death doesn't listen to your plans....

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Mar 15, 2009 10:42 PM GMT

Maybe I'm a little jaded. But when a well known person stops posting on a forum, it's generally assumed that they either found something (or someone) else to spend their time on, or they died.

When an acquaintance of mine passed away, his brother managed to contact MSN and get his email login information. He then exported the address book and emailed everyone about his death. I think it's relatively easy to do. You probably just need a letter drawn up by a lawyer, which I think he did.

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Mar 15, 2009 11:06 PM GMT

xrichx saidMaybe I'm a little jaded. But when a well known person stops posting on a forum, it's generally assumed that they either found something (or someone) else to spend their time on, or they died.

Yes, I agree that is what most people prolly think, and both are possible. But here are some other reasons I've actually encountered over 20 years chatting online, some a little funny, some not:

- computer malfunction
- computer virus
- computer theft
- failure to pay cable, phone or ISP bill
- eviction
- serious illness or accident, sometimes hospitalization
- sudden arrest & jail
- severe depression
- stalker avoidance
- online feud
- lost auto logon settings, forgot manual password(s)
- boredom with the service and/or its users

And in my own case the latter, boredom, strikes every few months, and I just need a break for some months until the online game seems fresh again.

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Mar 19, 2009 5:29 AM GMT

TomiR1 saidEveryone who knows me, know where to send their emails: to my man, PRDGUY.
Not planning to die in the near future, but as I've often seen in my line of work, death doesn't listen to your plans....

he best not die... already scared the hell outta me last year with hrt surgery.... and i will reply IF sumtin were to happen, but wud need time....

and this time momma best notify me Tomi rite away lol!

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Jul 08, 2009 7:26 PM GMT

I found your posting very interesting.

There is a way better service for what you are talking about.
It is a fantastic service, check it out

Send When I Am Gone
www.sendwheniamgone.com

Pheo

Posts: 198

Jul 08, 2009 7:32 PM GMT

With me, people will know that I'm dead. I want pictures of my funeral... Posted on my MySpace, dunno if it's violating TOS here, and then my Facebook, and certain people on my messenger list will know.

Faking your death online is appalling. Faking anything is, but hey... It's the internet.

And a side thought... Chicken BLT's are good.

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Jul 08, 2009 7:33 PM GMT

Send saidI found your posting very interesting.

There is a way better service for what you are talking about.
It is a fantastic service, check it out

Send When I Am Gone
www.sendwheniamgone.com

Thanks for the link, made into an active link below. Seems to be a letter and package dispatching service, not email notification arrangements to your online friends, though may have some useful applications.

http://sendwheniamgone.com/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29681926/

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Jul 08, 2009 7:40 PM GMT

on the same note...

Being single, the house phone would just ring and go to voice mail ... so I have my I.C.E. (In Case of Emergency) contact in my cell phone; they know what to do. But I also carry a laminated I.C.E. contact card behind my driver's license with instructions on who to contact IMMEDIATELY to take care of my dogs ...

I really worry that while I'm chillin' at the morge and my dogs will be crossing their paws wondering where their dinner is.

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Jul 09, 2009 12:21 AM GMT

wow. I was never one to deal with death....im amazed by all this

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Jul 09, 2009 12:29 AM GMT

well, when I die, I'm taking a good portion of u all with me, so no notice will be required,

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Jul 09, 2009 12:57 AM GMT

Red, friend told me that and when I got the notice from his partner that he died in Kansas and I live in NJ I told his friends here ....then 2 days later he emails me that he was not dead and that I had nerve telling guys that he died....told him to go to hell and that did not care now what happened and not to tell me at all so not sure if he died of cancer or not....

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Jul 09, 2009 1:39 AM GMT

toybrian saidRed, friend told me that and when I got the notice from his partner that he died in Kansas and I live in NJ I told his friends here ....then 2 days later he emails me that he was not dead and that I had nerve telling guys that he died....told him to go to hell and that did not care now what happened and not to tell me at all so not sure if he died of cancer or not....

When my partner died I sent his online friends a link to his obituary that the funeral home maintained on their web site with his photo. That helped to assure them that this wasn't some mistake or cruel prank, and they could phone the home directly if they wished. It also allowed them to send cards & flowers to his memorial service, which many did, since we had the obit up the day after he died.

Of course those for whom I had telephone numbers I contacted by that more personal means, many being in other states, and a few even flew in. But reaching everyone was the challenge for me, because I didn't have all his online account passwords. And so that's the point of the OP, to bring awareness to this potential problem, and that it may be a good idea to be prepared beforehand for this possibility.

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In case of my death, send e-mails...