How do you destroy...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2007 12:51 AM GMT
    The fear of attachment...
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Nov 07, 2007 1:16 AM GMT
    This screams "therapy"...

    Seriously, human contact, affection, and intimacy is normal, but there are MANY ways to achieve this without having to be sexual or in a relationship.

    - Strong friendship bonds
    - a f*ck buddy!
    - intimate conversations
    - a pet
    - a roommate [watch the boundaries]
    - oh, I am certain there will be more thoughts coming...

    I would also say, if you have that much time to obsess over it...time to get a hobby which is fulfilling in someway...and if this continues to detract from daily functioning [not that you indicated it], you might want to speak to someone professionally about what is going on with your needs at the moment...

    - David
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    Nov 07, 2007 2:15 AM GMT
    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying.

    Loneliness often results from self-esteem issues. Many guys find that having their advances rejected by someone can dent their self-image for a while and keep them from pushing onward.

    Most of us are attracted to guys who exude confidence and self-pride.

    Get yourself some new clothes that you look sexy in, get a haircut, get a makeover - go out with friends etc. Don't always be looking to hook-up, most gay guys can smell desperation a mile off and it's a real turn-off.

    Enjoy yourself for what you are - believe in yourself as a fantastic guy with lots to offer. When you meet a new guy, treat him as a new friend at first. Most guys prefer to get to know each other before jumping into a relationship. Let it happen in its own time, don't try to manufacture something out of nothing. Give it time - it will happen, trust me.
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    Nov 07, 2007 2:31 AM GMT
    The more you try to destroy it, the stronger it will be. It's just like trying to suppress being gay-- the desire will surface in SOME way.

    I wonder if maybe you are subtly "closed" to others-- doing things to keep them at bay. It seems like around here at least, there is no shortage of gay guys looking for relationships...
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    Nov 07, 2007 3:43 AM GMT
    The impulse to want to be around attractive and caring people is natural and involuntary in normal human beings.

    However... if you want to destroy it, just get a lesion in your right ventral tegmental area (rVTA). The VTA in general is a key area in distributing dopamine projections to the nucleus accumbens and various regions of the prefrontal cortex, which all have roles to play in motivation for love/affection (Fisher et al., 2005). Of course, you would probably lose your motivation for most other things as well.


    Fisher, H., Aron, A., Brown, L.L. (2005). Romantic love: an fMRI study of a neural mechanism for mate choice. Journal of Comparative Neurology, 493(1), 58-62.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 07, 2007 3:50 AM GMT
    therapy party of one!! your couch is waiting. in all seriousness. STOP looking for something and just let it FIND YOU!! just because you think you are ready for a serious relationship does not mean u in reality are. when you are ready to accept all the plusses minuses, good bad, and everything in between, MR RIGHT will find you. when you least expect it. you wont be expecting it or looking for it. stop looking at every man like he might be the ONE cuz 99.99 percent of the time...HE AINT !!! i have met some of the most endearing relationships in my life when i was not actively 'looking'. i did not find them. they simply found me. live your life. be happy. ON YOUR OWN. a relationship should be the icing on the cake not the flour that holds the whole damn thing together!!
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:03 AM GMT
    liftordiea relationship should be the icing on the cake not the flour that holds the whole damn thing together!!

    I agree. Contentment is something you should bring into a relationship and share with your partner, not something you get from your partner.
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:04 AM GMT
    I remember times that I wanted that to kill that feeling off. Feeling never did, and it shouldn't--it's a natural part of each of us. The issue comes when we're not able to meet that need, either for lack of person or for lack of confidence in the right situation.

    DFRourke's list is a nice start. Spend time with people who love you and are affectionate. When you can, get laid by a friend who provides privileges. Etc. Etc. Build your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled, it's worth the effort.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 07, 2007 4:08 AM GMT
    gimme someone to compliment my life not complicate it!
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:19 AM GMT
    First, let me point out to you that relationships in the imaginary are wonderful. You are never inconvenienced. You never have to put up with bad breath, farting, gassed bathrooms, occupied bathrooms, the last piece of pie being gone, a mess in the kitchen, a mess elsewhere in the house, a desire to do something you dont want to at a time you dont want to do it, listening to a god-awful story when you want to go to bed and to sleep, fight for the covers at night, gassed bedroom...I could go on. But you do in real life. The relationship doesnt end when the cuddling is over.

    Second,the more you look, the less you will find. The harder you hold on, the quicker you will lose grip. Go about doing things that you like to do and love will find you. Dont expect perfection, an exact fit for that void you imagine. Dont expect that you will satisfy everything he desires, and remain who you are. Some concessions will need to be made for a relationship, but more of the nature of being willing to agree to disagree. Neither of you will be able to keep up an act that isn't truly yourselves. So dont ask it. Agree to have those aspects separate and respected.

    And realize, love isnt somebody coming into your life. It is you going into someone else's. You must desire the other person, so that sacrifices are not sacrifices. So there are enough of those aspects in your relationship that you WANT to make him happy, not be looking for how he can make you happy. His happiness must be your happiness. Your heart must be so filled with him that you can cuddle even when apart.
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:23 AM GMT
    Liftordie, what a wonderful life you have.
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:23 AM GMT
    If you're a pictureless, what the fuck can you expect?

    Start acting like a winner, instead of a loser, and get on with life.

    Sheesh. Start with the obvious and some common sense, and go from there.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 07, 2007 4:31 AM GMT
    lol @chuck and thanks caslon. life is pretty great right now!!
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:33 AM GMT

    omg i want your kitty
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:35 AM GMT
    oh isnt that a cute kitten! Tell us about it, lift, please
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:38 AM GMT
    The cat says, "I WANTS 2 BE WIF VLAS."
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 07, 2007 4:43 AM GMT
    LOL ok here is her bio. she will be six months old on nov 9th. she is the best thing i have ever done. she has me wrapped around her little paw as the pics illustrate. her name is MISHA which is the feminine form of MICHAEL in russian. so she is her daddy's girl. she purrs nonstop and talks constantly. another family resemblence?? could be!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2007 5:21 AM GMT
    Sahidy, don't pay any attention to the nasty comments. I know how it is to want to hide. I did so for so long, and some of those who make nasty comments in this forum, did so when I was struggling.

    Every man and woman has his/her stuggles. I'm still new enough that I'm still struggling. The difference is that I now know what I am, and so does everyone else. I'm learning how to be alone, yet I know that I will not be alone forever.

    I'm getting involved in all kinds of extra-curricular activities, civic service, and getting out and about.

    There is a wonderful world out there, full of all kinds of people and all kinds of experiences. Perhaps shifting your focus will change your life. Only you can know for sure.

    Whatever you do, don't give up. Try to find the local LGBT center. They may be able to help you hook up with a local gay social club (I belong to one, and have made GREAT friends, and found a wonderful family - I get hugged and kissed regularly).

    There is love in unexpected places. Think outside the box.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 07, 2007 5:57 AM GMT
    You've got a lot of great advice here...
    some of it very constructive and some very biting but true
    we all want human companionship in some form or another
    but to want to destroy it is wanting to destroy what is the loving and caring part of us
    someone said it before ... you need to go out and do the things that you enjoy
    bake cakes
    see the Eiffel Tower
    collect sea shells
    anything that fulfills you and forget about finding someone at least for now because if you make it an obsession that's all it will be
    if you're somewhat content and happy with yourself others will see that - and They will be more Attracted to YOU
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 07, 2007 6:04 AM GMT
    cheers to GQjock!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2007 7:32 AM GMT
    And cheers to Caslon!

    So many people have experienced the phenomenon of "when you stop looking, it'll come to you." It's certainly been my experience with romance. (Though it's definitely not working this week with my keys!)

    It's also a truism, and inexorably related, that people are more attractive when they are confident and fun to be around.

    This advice may seem spurious, but believe me, it's not: CHOOSE to be confident.

    When you meet someone, think only about having a good time getting to know them. Worrying about how you come across, or whether or not someone likes you is counterproductive and all such negative thoughts should be banished.

    Take it from an introvert who decided one day long ago to submit a romance ad. After several awkward dates, I finally decided, screw it, I don't need a date, I just want to make some new friends... that's when the magic happens.

    You can buy my self-help book "Rambling Blather for Sincere Souls" on
  • Aznraven84

    Posts: 21

    Nov 07, 2007 11:51 AM GMT
    Dang, you have so many good comments from others. Some very true and others a bit harsh and off subject haha. Anyhow, confidence is a big issue upon finding someone as well as not yearning for a relationship.
    If you are a good person and not so shy, I'm sure you have friends. What I'm trying to lead off of that is the fact that friends like you for a reason and someday you might meet someone that has a stronger interest upon your characteristics that makes people like you in that way. Don't look towards a stranger your interested in as a target for a relationship, look at them as a person whom you could be friends with. If all goes well, they will like your true self rather than a shy guy that you place as a protective wall from being hurt or embarrassed. If not a relationship, you could always be friends haha. Upon that, the most common relationship hook-ups are through friends that are somewhat similar in personalities anyhow. So! You never know.

    So buy some cloths that makes you look good, happy, and comfortable in for your image. If you have some problems with that, ask a friend for help to whom you trust in "taste" lol. Do a little cardio so you breath easier and feel healthier. And think positive in life. Being positive generates a natural positive ion in your body to which some may think of as an "aura". Vice versa for the negative ion effects.

    In addition, try to "expose" yourself more. What I mean is hang out with friends more in gay bars, public events, or something of interest to you or your friends. Not the type of exposure that leaves you bare naked lol. Try to be open-minded in doing your friend's ideas. You never know you might enjoy it and expand your network of people.

    Oh one last thing, if you lack the physical yearning to cuddle, hug, etc... with people, try doing one on one activities away from friends and populated places. Not saying that it should be like that all day, but in segments of time. That way you get to know the person your dating in a more in-depth emotional/personal state. Once you find yourselves "fallen" for each other, the physical touching issues should slowly deplete. Some things I'm talking about is a night time stroll on the beach where no one is there; a hike out into the woods; a cup of coffee in the park; etc... Just as long as there are not many people to be staring at you or over hearing your conversations. This eliminates the fear of homophobia amongst others if you have that problem, and an easy atmosphere to listen to each other's stories in life.

    ~edit and add~
    I read the cuddling part wrong. Well upon that, get friends to which you could do those stuff with. It's all upon your comfort zone. The closer the friends like best friends, the less there is of an issue upon that. If THAT is still a problem, get a cat or dog. They are loving entities to which shows affection too. Although it's not the same as a human to human touch, it's more of a temporary solution.

    Sorry my comment is long, I talked to a couple of my friends about this topic prior to your initial post. I hope what I said helps. Take care. = )
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 17151

    Nov 07, 2007 2:00 PM GMT
    Well like the others, it sounds like you've had some good input here. I agree that it makes sense to always act with a degree of confidence... and if you can't really do that, DO NOT do the "pity" approach
    (and not suggesting you are here). Some try and get attention by talking about all the voids in their life
    rather than focusing on the many positives.

    I'm sure you have those and that others will see and appreciate them, both for relationship purposes and good friendships. I'd strive to achieve the balance with your relationships.

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    Nov 07, 2007 3:22 PM GMT
    "capture anyone's interest so much they would wanna go out with me."

    this statement just sorta sits oddly with me...I'm sure you didn't mean it in the way I'm interpreting it, because to me, to read that (& I know how easy it is to misinterpret something read via the net) but it just sorta sounds like, I don't know, like you're not being authentic w/ the people you meet? Something about when I read it made me think of a snare, and someone laying in wait - BUT - then, when I think about it, it could just be harmless phrasing - oy! there I go, overthinking (again)
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    Nov 07, 2007 4:10 PM GMT
    A snuggle partner would be cool...but it'd have to be someone who's cold all the time because I'm like a FURNACE! hehe! icon_lol.gif

    Since that ain't gonna happen, I keep up my strong friendships. I also like to give people hugs...who doesn't like a hug once in a while? icon_smile.gif