I had a stroke, but does it even matter anymore?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 12, 2007 4:15 PM GMT
    Some of you might recall I had a stroke in March of 2006. I went into a coma for four days and even had the obligatory near-death experience. But today, I'm doing very well. I speak perfectly fine, I walk almost perfect except for my leg having a slight gimp, same with mt arm: it works really well, but it's not perfect. So here I am today, still unemployed and fantastically lonely. I don't get out much because of it, and I don't have a clue where all the gay bars are at. Not really into them anyhow. I have very few friends, all of whom are straight and married.

    I've been putting an ad out on a variety of places looking for friendship, and maybe even the relationship I find myself desperately needing so badly. Among those ads, I admit I've placed ads on CraigsList and have gotten virtually no response whatsoever.

    What do you think though......sometimes I tell them I had a stroke because it seems to be the pc version of what to do, sometimes I don't because I move around so well, my own movement seems so nearly complete, it really doesn't bother me very much anymore anyhow.

    Should I mention it or shouldn't I?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 17160

    Nov 12, 2007 4:39 PM GMT
    Well let me say I've seen your posts online and I didn't realize you had a stroke. It sounds like you are vastly improved and I'm really glad to hear it, especially at 41 years old. I can't imagine something like that!

    I don't think you should say anything about your stroke initially. Its nobodys business AND I think its a mistake to have a headline "Alone and Lonely".
    For me, its not attractive to "brandish" your perceived weaknesses in an ad. I think should you choose to share your health condition, I'd focus on the accomplishments or your recovery and add any challenges at the end... and only share with those who deserve to know.

    You clearly have many strengths. I want to hear about them and the kind of positive guy you are. Many would.
    I would also encourage you to have a conversation with Caslon on this site, since he went through cancer recovery. He doesn't harp on it, but is an experience I noted with respect and some degree of awe.

    I want to hear about your progress!
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    Nov 12, 2007 5:09 PM GMT

    I agree with Kansan. Don't be negative. Even though you are feeling lonely and looking for friends, saying so is unattractive.

    Frame it another way. What about 'Fabulous Gay guy looking for similar friends in my area'. It's also unnecessary to mention your illness initially, as it doesn't have any affect on your intelligent writing skills.

    Good luck.

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    Nov 12, 2007 6:13 PM GMT
    I had a massive stroke in 2000 and, I too have recovered to the point where the only physical sign is the odd way in which I carry my left hand.
    I, too, dstruggled initially with the "do I tell or don't I? or when do I bring it up?

    The people I met really didn't care, and they followed my lead. If I don't mention it, they don't.

    I thoroughly understand the posters' concern: to us it is a major part of our life. It is never far from our minds so it is natural to think it will be of greater concern to potential partners than it really is.

    I usually stay out of the RJ postings because I see this as my bf's place to play without me but I'm going to ask him, for your sake, to weigh in on this one.. I'd like to offer you perspectives from the affected person and the man who fell in love with me despite my "damaged state"

    All the best to you, my friend - and I'm delighted to read of your progress. Although I no longer experience gains in recovery, I have re-emerged into the world - largely with the support and encouragement of my bf. I cannot adequately explain what emotional healing he brought to me.

    I will explain to readers that while they may see the PHYSICAL damage left by a stroke, the trauma to the brain is the real challenge we face.

    Having few overtly physical signs is a double-edged sword; we don't look "disabled" but we may not respond to stimuli as we once did.

    But by now it is of importance only to you. In response to your thread title : No - it doesn't matter any longer. Don't bother to disclose until you meet in person - and only if they ask. And keep it short.

    Dont let the stroke history become the only topic of conversation. I gets old pretty quick.
    Up to now the stroke has taken over your life. It is now time to take that control back - in conversation and in deed.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 12, 2007 6:39 PM GMT
    Firecat...him my sweetie!!!! ... icon_biggrin.gif

    His stroke is of no importance to me other than I am sad he has the disability in the left hand. I tried living life (folding clothes actually) with only one hand...it lasted 15 minutes. I encourage him to do physical exercises for his hand, but I try not to be a nag about it. It is up to him.

    Why is his stroke of no importance to me? Because he gives me so much else in life. His mind is still sharp as a tack. He and I share the same interests. Neither of us can talk of anything but that it interests the other.

    Of course, for the last year, I have had to deal with my cancer. And my sweetie has been there to support me all the way. And, indeed, he understands the trauma of an illness.

    I am very, very lucky to have Firecat. Hims my man forever. Nobody could be more perfect for me than he. I waited 53 years before I found him (hang in there ye who still seek)

    But back to the poster's inquiry. If the stroke isnt evident right off, I wouldnt mention it. The stroke isnt you, even tho as Firecat says, it may consume all your attention daily.

    But if I may be frank, I think your weight will probably be a greater issue from the very start...to the point that you dont even hear from guys that otherwise may be interested. I would say work on your weight.
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    Nov 12, 2007 9:58 PM GMT
    Despite your loneliness, and obvious depression, you need to do a couple of things.

    1. Lead by example. Show fat people what happens when they won't get off their ass. You should become a missionary in the war against obesity pandemic. Every day, you need to try to save lives (you just barely kept yours) by showing fat people how they are killing themselves with food. If you save a SINGLE life in next year, it's obviously something worth doing. Both you and Chaser have nearly killed yourselves with food. Unlike Chaser, though, you seem more willing to take the high road. Use yourself as a teaching example to the other fat people that are so sick. You GOT LUCKY. YOU LIVED.

    2. Get in motion. It'll lower your bp, help with your CMP numbers, but, most of all, it will make you feel better, and give you some social interaction.

    3. If you haven't get your testosterone checked. If it's low, get it adjusted to where it needs to be. This will make you feel mounds before, you'll stay leaner, it'll protect your bones, muscle, mind, and heart.

    4. Your brain may continue to rewire for some time yet after your stroke. Make sure you take your meds (if they're helping you), and keep working on the parts you've lost. The brain is an amazing device, and it will fix itself, generally, over time.

    Absolutely mention it. It's a matter of saving lives. No one should be killing themselves in such a way.
    Use your experience to save others. Use your experience to realize that life is precious and to plunge forward. Lead, by example. Use yourself as a teaching model. If you save a single life, it's certainly worth doing, and it's certainly a noble thing, in anyone's book. Tell everyone you know. Especially fat folks. You are a living example of what bad thinking, bad eating, lack of activity, and bad culture can do to a person. You have to let people know, and to learn from your mistakes. It's about saving lives!

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 13, 2007 1:05 AM GMT
    Okay LW you were dealt a bad blow
    but by the grace of whatever's out there you're still here for some reason or another

    It sounds like you're relatively physically sound
    and you have what in medical parlance is some residual hemiparesis (Paralysis in part of the body)

    I know you're lonely...
    but welcome to the human condition
    there's a lot of lonely people out there
    You NEED to start filling the empty basket of your life first before you can give stuff out to someone else
    If you're unemployed...find a job
    it doesn't matter if it's what you did before or working for free at a hospice --- the hours of the day can't be spent with you feeling sorry for yourself
    Next - find something that you like to do
    better if it's outside with lots of people around you
    join a brid watching club
    volunteer for Obama....
    something to get you out there and get you dealing with live breathing people
    and if you're not in a gym get to one Pronto
    the endorphins and the physical activity will lift some of these dark clouds around you

    Should you tell people you, had a stroke?
    Unless they ask it's irrelevant

    I'm not being tough on you...you're tough already for making it through what you had to
    but we're here on this earth for a really short period of time
    try to make it the best you could ...
    at least you could say you tried, right?
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    Nov 13, 2007 1:20 AM GMT
    First I want to sincerely thank every single one of you for all your sincere replies. I appreciate each and every one of them quite a bit. They all mean a lot to me.

    Kansan: Good call on the "Alone and Lonely" thing. I'll change it AND also add additional motivational things here shortly.

    Lawrence: Thanks...I may actually add 'Fabulous gay guy looking' instead of "A & L".

    Firecat and Caslon: you have both added a unique perspective not only to my specific situation, but have added an unexpected much broader perspective as well. Please feel free to email me, both of you, so we can talk further about life, the universe and everything in general. You can use my PM here for my email addy if you wish. And also Caslon: Thanks for the reply on the weight issue. I will continue to work out at the gym 4-5 times a week and JUST KEEP GOING! I said it before and I'll gladly say it again: It turns out I really love going to the gym and I wish I discovered it a long time ago! icon_smile.gif

    Chuckystud: lol, what can I say? You, too, also brought to me a unique perspective as well. I have added my own thoughts directly to Chaser on a couple of Chaser's posts, but I wasn't sure what else to do as at that time, his posts seem to have lost their own unique panache. But in the mean time, "Lead by example" is a very good idea to me as well. As of last Thursday, my BP was 110 over 70, which is absolutely fantastic compared to what it was 18 months ago. Believe me, you don't even want to know what it was! lol! But I'm wondering, what's my CMP numbers? And I had NO IDEA I could even get my testersterone checked. Ironically, another guy in the sauna at the gym today mentioned it to me too. I will definately look into it. And I'm taking meds every day thanx.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Nov 13, 2007 1:20 AM GMT
    You're in good health and have a lot to offer someone.

    As I read somewhere, don't sweat the petty stuff - pet the sweaty stuff.
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    Nov 13, 2007 4:51 AM GMT
    CMP = Complete Metabolic Panel
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    Nov 13, 2007 6:31 AM GMT
    If there aren't major impacts of your stroke on your current health, I certainly wouldn't lead with it. While strokes can in some cases be a sign of poor health, they can also effectively strike out of nowhere--I had one at 17 with excellent cholesterol levels, varsity athletics, the whole nine yards. If a guy makes a comment about your motions, asks about the slight remaining limp you have, certainly you tell him the truth, but you don't need to make a big deal about it if you don't want to. In effect, you can think of it along the lines of having had the same level of injury from being hit by a bus. You'd be fine with a guy not bringing up that he had been hit by a bus a few years ago, particularly early in a dating relations, right? Talk about it when either it comes up from a question on his part, or it feels natural, whether that's due to reaching a certain point in your relationship or possibly it reaching the anniversary of the event or something.
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    Nov 13, 2007 8:39 AM GMT
    Hey buddy, your profile is depressing and spends too much time expounding on depressing issues that aren't even important. You're a cute guy, a little heavy but so what? You have a daddy quality that a lot of hot young sons go for.
    I think you should play the daddy thing up. Take some pics that get closer to that daddy beard and those sexy eyes. The pic of you on the bed is good, but the view should be closer down on your lap so that potential squaters get a better look at the hot seat. Lonewolf66, hate it, too sad. i think something like DADDYWOLF69 suits you better.
    Below i re-worked your profile text a bit to make it a little more confident and straight forward.


    I like to drink beer and scratch my big daddy balls. Once, I was in a coma for four days and had a near-death experience(ask me about what I saw sometime!) I workout like a beast at the local YMCA 4-5 days a week and could really use a hot workout partner. Can you give me a hand?
    Mostly, i'm all about the outdoors, camping,and hiking. I go crazy for horror movies and reading Clive Barker.

    I really enjoy working out at the gym. I'm really strong, wanna see how strong?

    I like latino guys. It would be a fantasy to have a hot latin stallion give me a hand in the gym. However, i don't discriminate, potential workout partners can be of any color or creed as long as they are hot. Outside the gym, I'm a pretty laid-back kinda guy,just the basic jeans and t-shirts. Heck, what do you expect me to wear, a tuxedo? What I got under my t-shirt and jeans is way better than any stupid tux anyway. You wanna see? Send me an email to let me know what's up!
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    Nov 13, 2007 4:22 PM GMT
    LOL! Some things are just plain as day sometimes, aren't they? Thanx everyome, I sincerely appreciate your responses a lot.
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    Nov 13, 2007 11:51 PM GMT
    Dayum, GuiltyGear! GREAT TEXT! What a pro!
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    Nov 14, 2007 2:15 AM GMT
    I should be a pro. I am on like twenty sites, lol. Hey, you are cute, message me, huh? icon_neutral.gif
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    Nov 14, 2007 2:17 AM GMT
    Firecat is cute....AND TAKEN....icon_evil.gif...HARUMPH!
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    Nov 14, 2007 3:43 AM GMT
    I agree with most of what Kansan, GQ, and the others have said. Focus on what you've got to offer, instead of what you see as you've lost. Nobody wants to be around someone depressing, so sometimes you've just got to "fake it 'til you make it". (That goes for the job hunt too.)

    I think that GuiltyGear's profile redo is tremendous and shows what you can do with what you've got. I bet you work in advertising GG!
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    Nov 14, 2007 5:07 AM GMT
    mmmmmm, another cutie, that makes like three in a row.
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    Nov 14, 2007 5:12 AM GMT
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    Nov 15, 2007 1:57 AM GMT
    That's another good point to me....I never really thought of what my profile said as being too depressing as much as it was a little interesting to those that thought it was, well, interesting. GG, do you mind if I give yours a tryout?

    And as for the LoneWolf66 thing, it's actually something I've heald very near and dear to my heart for many years, and I hold that kind of nickname to me personally as a symbol of my life in a way. Check out the tatt on my arm, just gotten it a year ago! icon_smile.gif Wolves hold a particular iconographic symbol to the Native Americans, too; in fact I thing I'm 1/16th Cherokee! lol!
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    Nov 15, 2007 2:24 AM GMT
    OH! My creative juices are flowing good now....TattedTopDaddy...BIGCHIEF116...TheLoneArranger........MRWOLF....DreamCatcher41...CrazyHorse226..YMC_ACE...KYbelly/KY_MCA.

    LOL, i'm partial to TattedTopDaddy...as for the profile text...keep it up beat. Remember, you are selling yourself. Noone needs to know you had to have a major tuneup recently just that you have power everything and four wheel drive!

    And, yes, you can use my text as your training wheels, but i'll be looking periodically to see what you can come up with to engage, entice, and electrify potential readers of your profile.
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    Nov 15, 2007 2:28 AM GMT
    ooh it's like watching a show like "10 years younger" or What not to wear" on TLC! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 15, 2007 2:32 AM GMT