Gay Forums - Dating & Relationships - Commom decency about using this site

Commom decency about using this site

Posts: 1925

Jan 17, 2007 7:37 PM GMT

Hi Guys,
Why is it that so many guys here will NOT answer Email even to say "sorry we are not a match" or we can chat but there is no mutual attracation"

Is there something about being here that make us abandon all ideas of politeness and courtesy?

Sometimes we simply want to chat about the sports we love or workouts etc, Listing a profile on sites like this is tantamount to ASKING for people to contact you and in fact many profiles say "if this interests you drop me a line"
or "I am a freindly, easy going guy send me an email"
BUT I have noticed with talking to some guys here that less than 1% of the guys they write to will write back at ALL.
Come on... we get enough rudeness and predidice in the straight world... PLEASE have courtesy to people who reach out to you even if you are not sexually attracted.... there IS more to life than SEX!

COMMENTS?

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jan 18, 2007 8:38 AM GMT

I see 118 of you read this message but only one person commented and that was in private.

How about this question;

When you write to someone, what would you like and expect them to do if they are not interested in you sexually?

Do you think it is BEST or at least OK to ignore your mail?

Is it OK or Best for them to say "sorry we are not a match" ?

OR for them to say something else but at least respond.

NOW having thought about that, what do you think is best or OK (acceptable behavior) for YOU to do whe someone writes you?

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 8:54 AM GMT

Okay first off: GREAT TOPIC!!

I am sure there are going to be various answers/opinions to your questions..

In the world of internet profiles, NO NEWS IS BAD NEWS, meaning, if no one replies, move on.

For some this can come across as being rude, but let's face it, no one owes anyone anything. And if someone DOES like your pic and/or profile, great, but to dwell on it...it's not worth it.

Sure there is more than just SEX, but just because someone approaches you with a question, does not mean they HAVE to respond. The wonders of anonymity.

Sure in the ideal world, everyone replies, but we're not in that kind of a world, whether gay or straight. Has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Maybe this sounds harsh and selfish, but I am just stating my own experiences. After all, you're just talking to a picture.

Expect that much back.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 12:52 PM GMT

i have to side with mikeintoronto here, he has hit the nail on the head.

This is afterall the internet, the world of anominity. It allows so many levels of filters. But then again why worry if someone does not reply to our messages, it could be the other side of the story, you actually get someone who constantly emails you with obseen and uncomfortable messages, and there again lies the beauty of the net, blocking profiles.

In a world thats built around connecting people, you can feel very alone sitting staring at a computer screen.

Physical connections are FAR better than electronic ones, if every sense ;-P

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 3:24 PM GMT

Well there's also the occurrence of people who send you a note and ask or even beg you to reply and when you do, you never hear from them again.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 3:48 PM GMT

It's important to look at the site in terms of what it is: a forum for gay men to connect with each other about fitness. I think this is great. I just stumbled across it on the internet and it is *exactly* what I have been looking for for a while.

I am interested in connecting with other gay men who are interested in developing their fitness - and their bodies, of course.

If I wanted to hook up with gay men, I would use an online site specifically devoted towards sex, i.e. squirt.org, gay.com, gaydar.co.uk, etc., etc., etc.

Let's face it guys, there are a hundred and one sex-based sites out there; but this is the first fitness-based site that I've found.

Here's hoping to connect with a few like-minded guys to talk about fitness!

Cheers.

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jan 18, 2007 5:42 PM GMT

otegai, yes I agree this is site for guys to meet about fitness and with that in mind, why is it OK NOT to answer someone?

I respectably DISagree that many seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to ignore people who write to you especially when your profile specifically ASKS for "drop me a line" "If this interests you, hit me up" etc. You are ASKING to be contacted so why throw away your normal humanity and ignore?

Is this the way YOU want to be treated?

I would think in this site BECAUSE it is about sports and fitness and not focused on being a pick up site, you would be more polite and less about weather the guy who answered you request for a note is "hot" in your eyes.

=== Ron

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 6:04 PM GMT

I agree but I've got to say that most of the emails I get are not asking me about where, how or what I do to work out or what I eat. It's not about any sports I play or like to watch either. It would make an interesting poll for everyone to answer. Because basically most notes I get are after something more. I'm not all that, so if I'm getting them then others are too.

I'm not saying you can't be polite and I do answer any email I get. And as I posted before, I often don't get anything back in response. So there is no dialog. The only exceptions for me would be someone granting me access to their private pictures with no prior or subsequent conversation. That just makes me uncomfortable on this site.

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jan 18, 2007 6:19 PM GMT

RedKoste, it is refreshing to hear that at least YOU answer those who write to you even for the sexual contact.
As for guys who don't answer you after you answer them; same as I said before... rude in my opinion and I wish the internet didn't make people lose thier humanity and common decency.
Would you want to be treated like that?

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 6:24 PM GMT

Well right. I don't like assuming that every compliment or comment is a come on. I feel like I'm being vain or something if I think like that which is why I always give some kind of a reply. Maybe it's because I'm a southerner or am easily guilted hehe.

Also it could be that definitions of manners differ from person to person. I don't know, I'm just throwing that out as a possibility.

mtkroll

Posts: 15

Jan 18, 2007 7:01 PM GMT

I try to answer most emails I receive... the ones that are simply "can I fuck you?" generally won't get a response.

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jan 18, 2007 7:13 PM GMT

mtkroll, it is nice to hear you will respond except to blatent sex only mails.

I see YOU also ask for people to contact you.

Glad to see there are some of us that still have manners and are civil :) BRAVO !

-- Ron

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 18, 2007 11:23 PM GMT

I understand your perspective. It would be polite and respectful for people to respond to every email they recieve. But I think its kinda unrealistic to expect anything from complete strangers on the net.

If I walked down a NY city block and said 'good morning' to 10 people, I guarantee you that 7 of the ten would either ignore me or look at me like I was crazy or talking to someone else. MAYBE three would automatically say good morning back. And the internet is even less personal than interactions on a New York city street.

So I say stop taking it personally. If someone doesnt respond to my message, I take that as the response... not interested. And I move on. I have too many positive things to think about to be concerned with negativity like that.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 19, 2007 3:35 AM GMT

kelani makes good sense. However, I do believe it is rude, in this forum, to not respond. I always do, even if it is a "thanks but no thanks". And, also, it's true that people may not be being nice to get a hook up. I know I want friends too...you don't get a hook up by sending a mail message to someone across the country, but you can get a friend. They last longer than hookups... :-)

Anyway, anyone that answers my profile seriously (as opposed to a flame or something) gets a nice response.

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jan 19, 2007 7:10 AM GMT

Thank you fastprof

Perhaps you come from a more mannered educated background and Kudos to you !
I understand what some other guys are saying but there is no need to perpetuate rudeness and lack of caring for others to encourage people NOT to respond if they simply feel like it.

--- Ron

hooah811

Posts: 1

Jan 19, 2007 9:11 AM GMT

The way I see it, is kinda like the Matrix. People plug in and change their identities and do what they want. The real world rules no longer exist. Sometimes they stay plugged in for so long, that they can't tell the difference between the internet and reality. They get into fights in the real world because someone deleted them on their myspace friends list. Then, there are the ones who can plug in, talk to the Oracle, fight a couple agents, and then run to go pick up the phone when they've had enough.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 19, 2007 10:54 AM GMT

Well, I look at it this way:

If I send a message to someone and I get no reply, then I move on. I am not owed an explanation, nor do I owe anyone an explanation. Just suck it up and move on, In my opinion.

As for myself, I will answer a PROPER email. If it comes off as a sleazy come-on or something stupid, they get no reply. If they are pesty or needy, they get no reply. And if they don't get an answer I would think they figured out why they did not get one. If not, like I said, no one is owed anything.

In ahort, be nice or be gone...

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 19, 2007 4:35 PM GMT

I think the question TallGWMvballer was asking, though, didn't have to do with what a guy should do if someone did not respond to a "proper" mail message. It had to do with why a person would not want to acknowledge such. I agree with stealthmuscle that a guy needs to move on, period, when that happens. But the question is if a guy receives a mail message that is responsive to his profile (lets say a person says he wants "friends"), why that person would not least just respond. Well, as someone else pointed out, this, like all such websites, is still a "virtual reality". People can feel free to be "rude" to a virtual person, more so than they would be to a person in the flesh. I also think that, as in all of gay culture, there is for some guys a "pecking order" of who you can be rude to, and not (as in, are they hot to you or not). But I also believe that this is less an issue on this site than even match.com.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 19, 2007 8:59 PM GMT

Well, again in that case, the same answer applies....move on, whether it is "proper" mail, a follow-up on a response to your profile or whatever the case may be.

Unfortunately, our society has become "boorish", i.e. common courtesy is out the window. And on the flip side of that coin, there are occasions when you try to respond in kind, you may get the "you think you are better than me.." email (and YES, I did get one of those). So, rudeness previals, sad but true.

Like I said, in any case of communication, even in the event of a non-response to someone else's email advance.....move on! :)

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 19, 2007 9:01 PM GMT

P.S.

And if said person wants to be "Friends", a lot of times that is translated as "drift away quietly"!

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 19, 2007 9:09 PM GMT

stealthmuscle said "...Unfortunately, our society has become "boorish"..."

and

"you may get the "you think you are better than me.." email (and YES, I did get one of those). So, rudeness previals, sad but true..."

Yes, on both counts. I think we agree with one another. Yes, not on this site, but on another, I have gotten odd, attitude-filled rejoinders to what I thought was a very gentle, courteous "thanks but no thanks."

I just think the rule should be "be courteous." That doesn't mean that you have to be attracted to what you are not attracted to, nor does it mean that you have to say something beyond "thanks, but no thanks".

I also agree, though, you just...have...to....move...on. :-)

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 20, 2007 1:35 AM GMT

If you were a 26 y.o., ripped, hottie you would not have to ask this question regarding answering emails. I kicked back with a young body buider once and in the course on an hour I must have heard 60 emails come in from the site that I contacted him on. Practically speaking he can't reply to them all and the rule of the web is that he has no obligation to do so. RVSP applies to snail mail only.

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jan 20, 2007 2:05 AM GMT

So sephchek you think it is OK, proper, polite, good manners and the right thing to do to IGNORE those you don't think are your sexual type? (even though the Email was answering your "hit me up" or "contact me to say hi")

How very sad that so many feel this way.... you are only a 20 something "hottie" for a short time.... is this how you want to be teated by the NEW 20 something hotties AND evryone else after you are no longer one of them? Something to think about next time when you get a freindly Email.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 20, 2007 5:32 AM GMT

I have been on both sides of this.

While I generally respond to messages... Sometimes I just dont feel like being bothered for one reason or other or something about them rubbed me the wrong way. I think everyone is entitled to have a moment or mood or whatever.

I have also messaged people and been ignored.

I do feel you about not being 20 something and cute forever... we all age. But with a healthy self esteem in tact, I realize that if they choose not to respond, my life goes on. So I never take offense.

I dont get into judging them as impolite or rude, right or wrong. I dont waste any mental energy on them, I just get over it.

The nonresponse just lets me know that this person was not meant to be a part of my life right away. Its a timesaver... ;-)

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jan 20, 2007 3:21 PM GMT

I dont feel that an unsolicited email obligates someone to answer it.

Just like if the telephone rings, I dont have to answer it; if the doorbell rings, I dont have to answer it.

Forums > Dating & Relationships Forum Rules

Commom decency about using this site