When a guy you like hates you...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:34 AM GMT
    I recently went on my first date ever, just a week ago. Things went great, our personalities seemed to mesh very well. However, there was only one problem...

    Being my first time with a guy, I guess I got overexcited. I became attached to him to quickly and texted/called him a lot, probably too much. I asked him if this bothered him at all, and he said "No, don't feel that way. It's okay." He told me he wanted to get together this weekend... in fact, just yesterday, he seemed pretty excited to see me again.

    Well, he bailed out at the last minute saying he had to go to a club for some couple's anniversary. I was fine with that, I told him to have fun and that I didn't want to hog him from his friends.

    Today, I left a message on his phone asking if he still wanted to hang out, but i never got a response. I called him once on my cell phone but he didn't respond. I got kind of suspicious, since he kinda stopped responding to all my texts/calls.. I called on another phone, and he answered.

    I asked him if i could talk to him for a minute, since I was kind of bothered by the fact that he was obviously avoiding me. He asked me if he could call back in 5 minutes, and i said sure... well 20 minutes later, there was no call. I called him myself, and right after i said "Hey." he hung up on me.

    I feel like such an idiot because I probably smothered him... and i feel like an idiot for getting attached so quickly. But is this any reason to ignore me? I left a message saying i wanted to work things out and that I'm sorry for whatever i did... but still no response.

    I guess I just want to know if I deserved whats happening to me? Can any of you give me advice on how to get in touch with him without him ignoring me, or am i screwed? I just feel like if i was bothering him, he should have told me... I don't know what to do.
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    Nov 19, 2007 6:43 AM GMT

    Unfortunately, what he did by ignoring you was his way of saying "no thanks." People do use that non-verbal reaction as a verbal one.

    It happens to many of us, the overwhelming attraction to whatever it may be, love, lust or just company. Unwittingly, we may tend to "smother" someone with the attention.

    I admire you for going after what you wanted, you did your part. Unfortunately the other fella' just didn't feel the same.

    Move on, my friend.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:02 PM GMT

    Congratulations on your first date! I'm sure you will have many more.

    What happened after your date is more common than it should be. The only way some guys can say NO is actually to say YES to your face, then ignore or cut you out of their communication until you "get the idea". It sucks, but you can move on.

    Be aware as you grow and date others that too much communication, too fast or often, can sometimes put off a guy who isn't sure how seriously he wants to date.

    Take it slow, and you'll be fine!

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    Nov 19, 2007 5:52 PM GMT
    Hi Reed

    Don't worry, this has happened to all of us and you will probably end up doing the same to some guy in the future who likes you more than you like him.

    You didn't do anything too wrong. Sometimes we are just interested in guys who don't like us as much.

    Next time. Sit on your hands and try not to give him too much attention. Irritatingly if you act not bothered, then they will be more keen. Though I don't think you should play those games, as it's childish.

    Good luck with the next guy.

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    Nov 19, 2007 6:02 PM GMT
    I've been on the opposite end of this dilemma several times. It's more just that I don't have the heart to tell them that they're going over the top. And while I'm sure I would have enjoyed their company, it feels waaay too much like they're tying you up when in fact you barely know them.

    Next time, just take it easy and let things develop. Personally, I hate having a cell phone(but it's a necessity for me) and I hate talking on the phone. I would much rather just talk to them in person.
  • Barricade

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    Nov 19, 2007 6:12 PM GMT
    The guy sounds like a jerk. Forget him. Those type of games are childish. He should grow a set and learn to communicate. Best of luck!!
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    Nov 19, 2007 6:27 PM GMT
    I think the first bit of Laurence's advice is spot on: it happens to all of us, and most of us end up doing it at one point or another.

    It is, by and far, the most annoying way to get dumped; and let's just be clear here, this guy has probably dumped you and you should just let it be at this point. That being said, though, it's likely that you'll pull this tactic at some point in time in the future. We're imperfect people and sometimes we have hypocritical moments; just don't make a habit of it.

    I'm not going to go out there and say that this guy is a total and complete jerk, or anything of the sort. This may be his hypocritical moment. What he did was a jerk thing to do, but perhaps he's an all around good guy otherwise and this was just one of his less than stellar moments as a person.

    Regardless, the point is that you just have to learn from this. I happen to be of the opinion that you shouldn't jump the gun as much as you did, but not because of some artificial rules about "feigning disinterest," or "waiting so and so days before calling." I think you shouldn't jump the gun because in reality you don't really know entirely what you think about a person after one date, regardless of how nice that date was. I think you should always temper your feelings just ever so much with a bit of reality and realize that, though you may really like a guy right now, that might not be so true in a couple of weeks; withhold judgment partially, whether positive or negative (but mostly on the positive), until you get to know him a bit more.

    Perhaps that's slightly cynical, but I think a good dose of perspective is always helpful in these cases. Ultimately it's good to remember how shitty his actions made you feel and try not to mimic those actions in the future. Don't be jaded by it (since, as Dan Savage likes to say, all relationships fail until one doesn't), just take a lesson from it.
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    Nov 19, 2007 6:36 PM GMT

    I agree with Barricade, this guy is a douche. On the other hand, you can take the experience as a lesson on how NOT to treat a guy if the feelings aren't mutual. A real man would have just been honest with you.

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    Nov 19, 2007 8:17 PM GMT
    Been there, done that.

    It's a simple sales technique, and no matter how childish or stupid it is to us logically, we all still do it or fall for it.

    It's called the take away. We simply want what we can't have.

    So feigning disinterest or not responding to phone calls or text immediately somehow makes you more valuable and attractive.

    Again, I hate it...but it's life.
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    Nov 19, 2007 8:33 PM GMT
    I've been on both sides of this. I don't want to have to rearrange my life to include someone else. but I don't want someone else to have to rearrange their life to fit me in. I'm happy with the way things are, amd the right guy will (i hope) fit right into my schedule. I work two jobs and love spending time with my God-Daughter and my firends. My schedule is pretty full and the right guy should fit right in with no problems.
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    Nov 19, 2007 8:38 PM GMT

    Fit in with no problems? Isn't that just a smidgen unrealistic, to think that you can get a guy that you'll have no problems with? I know I can't be the only one that thinks that problems aren't an inherently bad thing (to a point), but merely challenges to be overcome.
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    Nov 19, 2007 8:41 PM GMT
    I agree with Chewey...it's actually quite difficult to manage, however. I usually wait for a couple days, not because it's 'polite', but rather it gives me a couple of days to let the emotional high simmer down. It allows for some perspective.

    Unfortunately for you, the door has effectively been slammed shut. So move on, and go find that guy that will treat you the way you should be treated!!!
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    Nov 19, 2007 10:07 PM GMT
    There is attentive and there is smothering. You crosed the line and set off alarm bells as a "high maintenance" guy.

    SpartanJock's "cooling off" period is a good policy - then don't call more than once a day and never "just to chat."icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Barricade

    Posts: 457

    Nov 19, 2007 10:17 PM GMT

    I can agree with some of what has been said. But....I think he said the man hung up on him. Someone says "hey" and your response is to just hang up? Thats BS or is that just playing hard to get? lol. I don't think he was that interested to begin with, you don't just cut someone off if there are actually feelings there on both sides.
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    Nov 19, 2007 10:27 PM GMT
    Right, and I think most of the people above (myself included) agree that reedw has been effectively dumped. The advice was for the future.
  • GQjock

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    Nov 19, 2007 10:37 PM GMT
    Time to buck up and place this one on the experience shelf
    ...don't call him again if you don't want an order of protection placed against you
    go on to the next date and This time do yourself a favor and ask the next guy to call you
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    Nov 19, 2007 10:39 PM GMT
    I guess... but it's not like I was the only one pursuing the relationship. He talked to me just the day before, saying how excited he was to see me. And when he said he had to go to a party on saturday night instead of seeing me, he kept asking me if i was upset or angry and i said no.

    Maybe he just led me on? Not sure, but he did seem pretty excited to see me. Maybe he was afraid to tell me that he would have rather just gone to another party on sunday night too, instead of seeing me. Honestly I wouldn't have been mad if he told me... but I kind of wish he'll call sometime. If he doesn't call within a week, I was thinking maybe i should contact him and see what's up?
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    Nov 19, 2007 10:45 PM GMT
    Have more self pride. If he not intersted in you, well you are not interested in him. Sometimes soem guys just an inmature boy , who want other people to keep feeding his ego. Dump him
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    Nov 19, 2007 10:49 PM GMT
    Maybe i'm confused because i'm new at this, but it just seems like i should apologize first and see where things go from there. I don't want to just break things off like this, because we both liked each other. But i don't know how to go about apologizing either...
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    Nov 19, 2007 11:02 PM GMT
    Do not phone him anymore. He saw you once and clearly it didn't click for him. He ducked you and when you didn't take the hint he hung upon you without ceremony. He didn't lead you on, he was trying to let you down nicely but you didn't get it. He does not want an apology, he wants you to leave him alone. Hang in there. You never know when you'll be bowled over by a guy who wants to treat you as well as you hope to treat him.
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    Nov 19, 2007 11:08 PM GMT
    you're very attractive reed, HIS LOSS.
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    Nov 19, 2007 11:14 PM GMT
    Reed, his messages are pretty clear by hanging up on you and not returning your calls.
    Some guys just have short attention spans and think something "better" is just around the corner. He may be that type.
    Do not apologize to him. Do nothing but turn your attention to the next guy who will be in your view soon.

    And yes, he is very attractive and soon will have the guys lined up at his door.
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    Nov 19, 2007 11:17 PM GMT
    Yea, you're an attractive guy, I'm sure there are plenty of other guys that would want to go out with you. But I have to agree with firecat. Don't call him back, his loss.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3462

    Nov 19, 2007 11:21 PM GMT
    Unfortunately, this behavior seems to be more the rule than the exception. But, in talking with friends - straight or gay - it doesn't sound much different than what many of them experience. I'm told it's because people don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so they simply blow them off and ignore them. Personally, I think everything about this approach is worse than being up front. I think there are nice ways to let people down, so why keep them hanging (unless you like the feeling of keeping someone dangling). If they don't get the hint and keep pestering, then you probably need to be more blunt, but there are nice ways of doing that too before you have to get downright rude.

    I'm 41 now, and I still encounter this kind of rejection and still have trouble wrapping my mind and emotions around it. It sucks to be treated like you're great one day then invisible the next.

    This is a personal thing, but I try not to have sex on the first few dates with someone I'm looking to have something longer-term with, if I can help it. That way we focus on getting to know each others' personalities first. In my case, I know sex can complicate things and make me feel more intimately connected than perhaps I should. Again, this is a personal thing and may not be the case with you.

    The only thing you can control is you and your response to this sort of rejection. It's okay to be bummed out and "mourn" what you had (I'll leave it to you to judge what's appropriate for what you had). Learn what you can from the experience and move on. It shouldn't sour you from the whole experience, and don't let it make you bitter and project that on other people you meet online or otherwise.

    It doesn't sound like you need to change who you are. As everyone says, be yourself. If the person you're interested in isn't "into you," there's nothing you can do about it and the sooner you two figure that out the better is for both of you. But, the good news is I doubt you'll be as tactless about letting someone else know if it's not the right fit.

    Good luck and hang in there.

  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Nov 19, 2007 11:31 PM GMT
    My best friend and I have so often encountered this sudden inexplicable evaporation of the other person's interest (even when there's been no chance for us to misstep) that we've decided there must be a website out there telling people not to date us, complete with unflattering photos, and video of our most embarrassing moments.

    When a man suddenly cancels a date on one of us and won't return phone calls, we say, "He must have found the website." When we do something stupid or spectacularly clumsy, we say, "That's going to be on the website."