Advice on a friend of mine

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2007 4:51 AM GMT
    Ok so basically I met this new friend of mine a little over a month ago. He's not really out to many people, hes an ex wrestler and we kind of did stuff when we first met at college. We didn't do a whole lot just kissing and jerking. I told him at that point, hes new and I felt I was best served as a good friend that could help him sort shit out. I came out when I was 14 so I remember how hard it was and some of the adjustments needing to be made. Over the few weeks we became closer and especially over the last week or so I had him over to my family for thanksgiving and he enjoyed it (I'm out to my entire family). He's been quite kind and honest with me.

    So over the past few days he really grew on me. I didn't think I would develop feelings for him but I ended up doing so. I told him about it 2 days ago, I just basically blurted out that I really liked him. I told him I wasn't expecting to get these feelings for him. I know hes been having problems with the existing people hes been dating this girl and guy. I told him I didn't want to get together, because I knew the trouble he was already having and I didn't really even want a relationship I just wanted him to know how I felt. He told me it made him feel really good that I said it. He also basically said that he found me attractive, but he wants to see what is out there and that he didn't think he found me attractive in that way. He said he didn't understand why he didn't see me in that way because he liked my qualities. He then said that maybe in time he would find me attractive in that way. He said even if we were to be together he wouldn't want a label but he would still want the commitment.

    I basically felt really weird leaving the conversation because honestly I never been rejected in that way before by a friend. I feel very close to him and we've been expressing that to each other. I was even not sure if what I was feeling for him was that of a very close friend or that of someone I would like to date. I've also never felt this way about a friend before but it isn't the same feeling as that of a boyfriend. I guess it just feels very weird because I've never been in this position. I've only been in position of friend's liking me and me not really wanting anything. Hes one of the only people I've met in my life though that I've felt I could talk with openly be honest, and I believe he feels the same. Hes a very good looking guy all the guys want him, but hes also nice and intelligent.

    The problem I guess arises, what the hell do I do? If he doesn't find me attractive in that way (which I originally didn't with him for whatever reason) I guess theres nothing I can do. I think I am best being friends with him, it just jerks me a little when I see him with the guy hes currently with kissing him and dancing. He also doesn't want to be with him, and apparently hes been waiting for a chance to break it off. I guess around him I feel inadequet and I've never really felt that way around someone, its not doing too great of things for my self esteem.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Nov 24, 2007 4:54 AM GMT
    You shouldn't feel bad about having the balls to be honest about how you felt. It's a shame he doesn't feel the same, but it's his loss. Maybe you just need some time away from him for awhile. It's been my experience that once the 'friend' line gets crossed, even if it's verbal, some time is needed to get back there.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 24, 2007 12:17 PM GMT
    Sometimes we can't have what we want
    for whatever reason
    ...This will pass with time
    But don't be puppydoggin him around
    it'll only cause you pain
    for now I'd try to keep a distance from him
    until it hurts a little less
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3462

    Nov 25, 2007 1:14 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your issue. This is the pitfall of falling for a friend and why some people avoid it (or at least revealing your feelings to your friend) because it can end friendships. Things just get too awkward. You've got to decide what's more important, the friendship or pursuing him for something more romantic. If you want the friendship, you have to put these feelings behind you. It's not easy, because you now have to put the genie back in the bottle.

    But, he's said that he's not interested in you in that way. It can be tough to hear, but it sounds like he was as gentle about it as possible. You have no choice but to take him at his word. Don't spend time trying to decide whether you still have a chance if you do this or do that. You have to get him off your mind. You probably need to spend a bit less time with him for now and focus on other things, other people. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself insane -- especially if you're around him when he's being affectionate to other people he's dating.

    You have no choice but to get over him in whatever way you can. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2007 1:34 AM GMT
    Yeah it is difficult. I'm not really even sure if what I was feeling was that of wanting a relationship or something else.

    Its difficult because hes taken me out to diner like 3x in the last week paid for it. He also came to my thanksgiving and slept over, and we wrestled a few times. This is why I'm confused, because hes sending mixed signals. He told me he felt he could talk to me about anything, and he told me like a week ago that he loved me. So I don't know if hes just liking the attention or if hes meaning all these things in friendly ways. I could be looking too far into it, and honestly I dont want this to sound like I'm head over heels for him because I'm not. I just don't know what to make out of the relationship.

    Thanks again for the advice and keep it coming if you have more icon_smile.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Nov 25, 2007 1:45 AM GMT
    I can't say that he is yanking your chain on purpose, but the end result is the same. He knows you like him, he likes you but not in the way you want, he enjoys the attention and still wants you around.

    But it's going to take it's toll on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2007 5:21 AM GMT
    Thats a tough one jester.

    YOu said he was your best friend and that he loves you ect..

    I think it is a lot of guys fantasy to be with someone they are also best friends with. That whole idea of being able to 100% be yourself and be intimate is very appealing.

    I just don't know in this case if they can mesh. Can they ever?

    Does he get jealous or care if he sees you with another guy?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2007 5:24 AM GMT
    I started falling for my best friend and quickly put the brakes on it. In some situations altering the dynamics of a friendship can be disasterous or adventagous. In this case it would have wrecked the best friendship I have ever had and i would have lost more than I would have gained.

    Sometimes it is a bitter pill to swallow.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2007 6:07 AM GMT
    Yeah, its fine and I am willing just to be best friends. I just am confused myself at the dynamic of our relationship. I don't know if I mentioned before hes just coming out and really has only had 1 relationship wit ha guy and it wasn't serious really at all. He hasn't really found a guy hes into yet which is understandable, because hes still figuring out what hes into. I have been there for him to help him out with my advice, and if he needed someone to talk to which I know he appreciates. He also has been there for me when I had something to talk about.

    Maybe we just need some seperate time or something, I just feel like I'm getting maybe too close to him. We flirt alot with each other, and have alot of physical contact. So I think its only obvious I have thoughts on the way I feel about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2007 6:45 AM GMT
    well, first rule of thumb here is: put on a brave smile and keep your chin held high and bright. the quickest way to put out any semblance of fire here is a little rain.

    aim for genuine laughter and enjoy the time you spend with him. you can't make him love you, but if he does have feelings, you can help him find them. if he doesn't, that's something you simply have to accept. but regardless it seems you have a great start for a beautiful friendship. don't lose sight of that fact.

    such a friendship may at times tentatively border on intimacy or romance but never forget, friendships like this are worth far more than their weight in gold. foster it and appreciate it and by all means enjoy it. they're damned hard to find.

    unfortunately if you let your emotions cloud your steps or let your groin do the talking, they can also be killed pretty easy at this stage.

    be open, be honest, by all means go with the flow, but don't push. if he does give you an apparent invite to intimacy or a sensual, soft, vulnerable moment, go slow. express yourself with calm solid confidence. this post is bluntly full of cliche expressions, but to state another; figuratively, offer your hand to him and let him put his in yours, don't grab him and drag him off.

    your self confidence? it shouldn't falter. you're a very attractive guy physically. at least IMO icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 25, 2007 7:40 AM GMT
    Sometimes, despite stronger feelings, its better to put the friendship first. Some people are better as friends than as lovers, others have to become friends before they can go the next step. Sometimes you have to step back and figure out if its more important to have the friendship, or to go after a relationship with that particular person.

    I have met a few people that I became fast friends with, really developed a strong bond with them, only to end up having stronger feelings for them. In a few cases, it was mutual but it was also obvious that it wasn't the right time for us to take that next step... in other cases, it was obviously more important to maintain the friendship and not complicate things. A couple of them, I took the chance, had a wonderful yet short relationship, and they've completely gone out of my life now.

    Its really tricky in this situation. You know how you feel better than anyone, and you know him better than any of us do... so its something you'll ultimately have to figure out for yourself...

    But in the meantime... maybe a little time away to clear your head would help. In any case, good luck!
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    Nov 25, 2007 3:42 PM GMT
    Your relationship sounds a lot like the one I have with my best friend, but reversed. I was the one just coming out and he was there with the advice and understanding.

    We are able to share a lot and be each others confidant, support, shoulder, etc. He's taught me a lot about being myself which has helped me mentally and physically. I attribute a lot of my happiness now, physical well being (lots of weight loss)and comfort with his friendship. This is why I never ever want to lose it or put it in jeaporday.

    We make it a point to chat at least once a day, work out two to three times a week together, and go out for a good dinner, wine tasting, smoke a cigar, and really talk (share work and family troubles/joys) once a week.

    Just having this level of friendship is far greater than anything I could think of because there is no sexual tension in play.

    Weigh your options about what is best. If it is meant to develop into more it may well be, but don't rush it and don't ruin what could be a strong and life long friendship that runs deeper than just sex.

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    Nov 25, 2007 6:56 PM GMT
    Thank you guys so much, you guys have helped me more then you'll ever know. I really appreciate all your comments and I think whats best if for us to just be close friends. I just need to evaluate the feelings I had for him, because I don't know if they were feelings of really wanting to be with him. I had these same feelings wiht my old best friend who was in fact a girl and a lesbian, I think they may just be closeness feelings. I think it made it more intense though because he is a guy. Thank you guys so much again for your encouraging insightful words.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16461

    Jun 04, 2014 4:21 PM GMT
    PatLok saidi think hes into you but not sure

    Since this was at the end of 2007, I always wonder what happened.. did anything really go on
    I'm also surprised I didn't comment, since I was a new contributor on RJ at the time.

    Always kind of fun to read what you said several years ago and if you still agree with the advice you gave then....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2014 4:41 PM GMT
    It's a bromance that you likely have.