I am done...maybe I need to check out too...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2007 12:11 AM GMT
    I don't like to be "the drama queen", but this is real life..I am lost, depressed, hurt, angry.. I don't know what to do and am at the end of my rope...just found out my brother (5 years younger than me) has inoperable and terminal cancer in the lymph nodes of his neck, spine, throat, chest, shoulders and face. I am beside myself and can't believe what I have been told! They give him less than a year! He has been in great health all of his life, and only rarely even got a cold, now this? He has never had any symptoms of anything being "wrong" until he got a "tooth ache" and was having a root canal done, around Thanksgiving... I also found out this IS the second, independent, opinion too! I can't handle any more. My sister (2 year younger than me) has been living with me for 10 years and has been the "stand in mom" for the boys. I am now her caregiver and financial support. She had a series of "mini-strokes" in August and has been reduced to the level of a 5 year old. (She has a Ph.D and was working at Ohio State!) She has been in treatment since then and today I found her "cutting herself" with "pinking sheers", to as she said "relieve some of the stress". I have her at the hospital right now. My god...what did we do to earn such a fate? Thank god my boys are safe with their mom this weekend..I don't know what I am going to do...as much as I know my brother and sister didn't ask for these things to happen, and they are certainly suffering worse than I could even imagine, I have nothing left to even begin to cope with this. Game over...I lost
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    Dec 16, 2007 12:43 AM GMT
    Your brother has terminal cancer
    Your sister has been reduced to a child by strokes
    You have your health
    You have two healthy kids

    ...and you figure you lost

    You have it rough...but I dont think you have exactly lost.

    My sympathy to you and your brother. From my near-death stare-down, I know that I cant not imagine what your brother is experiencing. I will have to wait my own personal confrontation with that reality.

    But I will just guess that a brother throwing in the towel wouldnt make things easier for me. I bet he needs you to be his rock and his comfort. He will probably be scared and need you. Need you to be there for him to express his feelings and to receive reassurance. Not necessarily reassurance that all will be well...but that he has lived a good life, he has been a good person, he will be remembered with love and affection. That as long as you live, he will never completely die. He will be in your heart and you will not let him lonely.

    Remember his good times. He will want to look back, not forward. His forward isn't very pleasant right now.

    He needs his brother. I know I needed mine.
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    Dec 16, 2007 2:00 AM GMT


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    Dec 16, 2007 2:06 AM GMT
    Wish i can give you a shoulder to ease your pain. Please take good care of yourself, cause your family still need you. Just be there for them, and that'll be the best thing you can do. I'll pray for you.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 17187

    Dec 16, 2007 2:21 AM GMT
    Hey Sporty,
    Very difficult thing to have to deal with and most us cannot imagine what you are dealing with. I agree with Caslon. I just hope you have some close friends to help you through this... but clearly you are going to have to be the rock... there isn't anyone else.

    I agree, you have your health.. don't destroy it as well with stress, learn to manage it and ask for some help through counseling. Your kids need their Dad too, you can be sure someday they will thank you for being there for them.

    And there are people on here who care as well. Especially at this time of year (and all year) we will be thinking of you.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 16, 2007 2:51 AM GMT
    Sporty... I know that these things that life throws at us are hard
    and you're right...you're brother and sister didn't do anything to deserve such a fate
    But damn my man... it sounds like you're all they've got
    and plus you have two boys?
    It's times like these we've got to buck up and pull every ounce of strength together to get things done
    If you're sister has had mini-strokes and has an impaired mental status she's likely able to enroll in SSI medicare
    and able to get you and her some additional help
    start talking to the hospital social worker about your brother along with his oncologist to plan out what will be best for him in the next coming months
    It's very easy to give up and check out...it will definitely solve your problems

    ...but what about theirs?
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Dec 16, 2007 3:27 AM GMT
    Sporty, my condolences for all that you're dealing with right now. It sounds like you're in a state of emotional overwhelm, and really need to spend time with good friends in person to hold on to you until you can find your emotional center and strength again.

    There's nothing anyone can say that will make it better, but I bet your good friends will listen and help you deal with how you're feeling. Let it out and face it, and from that you can find the strength to handle it.

    My thoughts are with you, sending cyber hugs your way.
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    Dec 16, 2007 4:06 AM GMT
    Hey Sporty it's me again: Remember I mean every word I said in my e-mail to you. I'm here for ya - JUST ASK ME!icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 16, 2007 9:45 AM GMT
    It's harder than you would think to actually pull it off. I tried to OD on pills once, but my mom called the paramedics and they pumped my stomache. I tried to peel my cap once (blow my brains out) but it's so fucking hard to do. Wretched self preservation instinct! I have nothing myself. I have no children. I have no career. Just chronic, severe, disabling mental illness, poverty, alienation, and isolation. I'm really beginning to see why more and more people are opting to take a few others out with them. When you've fucked up so bad that you leave a pretty good body count behind, it would be really easy to just add 1 more after that. Especially if you don't have anything to lose.

    You have kids- don't do this to them. Parental suicide fucks kids up about as badly as incest. They don't have their mother anymore. Now add the trauma of your suicide to their lives. I personally don't view it as a viable option any longer, because I realize better now that my states change. Life has its capricious misfortunes, and it's inevitible tragedies, but it is mostly tedious, empty, and devoid of meaning. But things would have to get really bad for me first, and coming from someone who has been in treatment for PTSD and bipolar disorder for years, that is saying something. You are socially integrated and you have a life and people who depend on you. Don't drag your boys into the pit of despond with you.
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    Dec 16, 2007 10:47 AM GMT
    Thank you all for the kind words of support and understanding.
    I have finished "loosing my mind" and have now started to come back to reality.
    I went to the gym and ran 15(!) miles on the tread mill..nobody saw me crying because I was sweating so much, and then lifted for about 2 hours. Afterward I went downtown to a couple of bars, had a few drinks (VERY unusual...I don't drink!) Picked up a nice looking little 25 year old hottie and proceeded to fuck his brains out. I am just now getting home and not feeling too proud of what I did, nevermind my upset stomach.
    I understand that I have responsibilities to my kids first, even though my siblings are both ill. I understand that illnesses are not some sort of punishment from god, they are just a not real pleasasnt part of life. I know that my siblings will need me for untold things. I know that my heart is breaking and will continue to break, but that is a price to pay for loving someone. I have had dark episodes in my life before and did attempt suicide a couple of times, many years ago. Carbon Monoxide, pills, car wreck. I was found before I died, each time, one time they did need to shock me to get me back...but I am still here and I will not be leaving without a monsterous fight. I am still in shock over the news I have learned, but I am slowly coming to terms with what I must do. The amazing part is that my sister-in-law thought that telling me on the phone when I was calling her to tell her about my sister going to the hospital because I caught her cutting her wrists, was a "good time" to relay the information about my brother! I was apparently the last one to be told, as my parents both already knew about my brother. But they were both in major shock over my sister when I told them about the latest with her. (mom is in GA and dad is in FL, both are remarried)...at any rate I will be touching base here, maybe just not as often..If you sent me an e-mail thank you from the bottom of my heart, I will try to respond personally ASAP. The "track record" of why I detest the holiday season is still in tact, especially after today's "double whammy"...I need to do some research and educate myself on cancer, treatment options and side effects and also on strokes. I don't like to be caught "off gaurd"...Thanks Again. GArY
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    Dec 16, 2007 12:18 PM GMT
    What a load of self centered, egotistical, and passive rubbish.

    You know, I lost more than 40 friends throughout the 1980's and 90's. I don't remember one single person who thought it would be better to just quietly check out. They all, to a man, fought with everything they had to live.

    I have been privileged to know men who took up silversmithing when they went blind from HIV, who ran food kitchens (where I worked myself) in between their antiviral drip.

    My father died of cancer my mother from stroke and they both fought for every last breath.

    I take about twenty different pills a day to keep healthy from chronic health conditions (Diabetes, Hypothyroid, Hypertension, etc.) and it just pisses me off to listen to people whine like this.

    Life is precious, if you don't know that then I guarantee you that your brother and your sister and most of all your kids still have something to teach you. Stick around for the lesson and you might learn a thing or two.

    Have a little respect, if not self respect then start with respecting your own family.

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    Dec 16, 2007 4:41 PM GMT
    Ursamajor, please, give the guy a break. He was reacting to the initial shock. Not everyone reacts the same way. And when your friends were serving up mash potatoes at the food kitchen, they had had their time to adjust to their situations.

    Everyone needs his time to cry. It is good for the body and soul.


    Find a cancer support group in your area. Even tho you arent the one with the cancer, they will be a great help to you....both emotionally....and with lots of information. Good information...right from the patient type information.

    I didnt join a cancer support group until I couldnt handle my depression anymore. I learned that I should have joined earlier. I would have gotten the straight story on treatments, drs, etc, and not just what the drs wanted to tell me. They will also tell about all the resources available.

    Believe me, us cancer patients love to talk in our meetings! ... icon_biggrin.gif

    "Cancer? You call that cancer? I'll tell you what cancer is! Cancer is what I had! If I had your cancer, it would have been like a walk in the park!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... icon_lol.gif ... Hey, laughter is the best medicine.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    Thanks for the comments and support(?).

    "USAMAJOR"....Terry, sorry that you have endured the loss of so many to HIV and the loss of your parents. We don't all handle "death" and "crisis" the same, so excuse me for going "over the edge" for a little bit. It was a traumatic day for me. I make no apologies and accept no criticism from anyone. You are not in my shoes.
    Love and respect for my family is what has grabbed me and forced me to face a rather harsh reality. While I understand your motivation, I don't appreciate your "tough love" approach to "support". I do appreciate the "point" of of your post and thank you for it. Have a nice life.icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 17, 2007 1:35 PM GMT
    The challenge for SOME PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD is that they fail to APPRECIATE and UNDERSTAND that when someone is speaking the truth/vents/needs help/or is a period of crisis - they are ASKING for HELP. To fail to support others, can result in traumatic consequences - suicide - then the JERK presents what they think could have avoided the death - sort of late? People like you then wonder why a person committed suicide ---DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. One day, you will have a personal crisis(it will happen) and I just hope that the supports required, are there for you - otherwise YOU may make a distorted choice and suffer the negative consequence.icon_evil.gif

    I'm a Mental Health Therapist - trust me SUICIDE is a needless option for people, and we could avoid a lot of negative consequences in this world, if JERKS would shut-up and listenicon_wink.gif!
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    Dec 17, 2007 2:05 PM GMT
    Sporty: If I were you, I'd get grief counseling. At the very least, see a social worker to get help caring for your sister.

    I'm sorry for the horrific run of tragic events. I've been through such a run myself and have seen many clients have the same experience, too. It almost always brings people to an existential brink. Why this happens to some and not others is a mystery.

    I'm glad you found a way to interrupt the black feelings. Obviously, if you've taken such good care of your health, you are also "cursed" with a strong will to survive.

    Ursa: I lived through the worst of the AIDS epidemic and buried far more than 40 friends in Atlanta, Houston and San Francisco. At the painful end of their lives, many of my friends chose assisted suicide. This was not a weak decision: They often did it in order not to burden their families and friends with outrageously expensive care to survive a few more months. And, of course, they were in physical pain that could not be relieved.

    I don't really think there's much value in comparing one person's experience of pain to another's, especially when it's the pain of survivors. But if you're going to compare, there's an alternative to concluding your experience should be everyone's. The alternative is to broaden your understanding and develop more empathy for others.
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    Dec 17, 2007 2:25 PM GMT

    The grief that you are feeling is a second by, by second emotional rollcoaster that you are on.

    When it happens embrace it...try to joy in the fact that you have two sons who are healthy and they still need you as you need them.

    You are currently "Stuck in the here and now"..
    The why me syndrome that you are going through is normal..try not to get stuck there.

    I can't imagine what you are going through now...having been delt a double blow....it would be pretty cruel to think that I do.

    My prayers go out to you and your family!

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    Dec 17, 2007 2:42 PM GMT
    Sporty, my deepest condolences to you. I hope that you can find some peace in the midst of all this.

    I agree with the others about a support group and/or grief counseling. You make the remark that you don't know what you or your family has done to deserve this and of course the answer is nothing. If you are perceiving these bad things as "punishment" then that demonstrates the (very understandable) bad mental state that you are in. You need to say these things aloud to another individual and let him/her help you sort through it all so that you may deal with it with as healthy a state of mind as you can muster.

    Best of luck and much love to you.
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    Dec 17, 2007 2:47 PM GMT
    Sporty, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that you are loved and cared for/about. Do what ever you have to do, but remember that suicide is a final solution to temporary problems. Stay strong, don't give up.
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    Dec 17, 2007 2:50 PM GMT

    "Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes."

    Excellent advice from a self identified mental health professional. Perhaps it would do to take one's own advice rather than calling people "jerks".


    Happy to see you made it through the weekend and thank you for the wishes of a nice life.

    Frankly, for the million times I was profoundly unhappy (and thought of suicide as many people do) I am pleased to still be here.

    I wish you the same nice life; the one that includes being there for your siblings and children.

    If your defending your words and making no apologies then you are very much alive and that is a great thing


    Well too many people died and it was a complex and awful moment. It would do for everyone to remember that moment hasn't entirely past.

    I surely don't think my experience should be everyones. G-d forbid.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 3:08 PM GMT
    sporty, life is unbelievably cruel sometimes. like many here i've been through it too. i won't offer you meaningless platitudes but that said seek professional counselling and keep the training up. there's nothing like a session in the gym, if you can manage it, to clear the head.

    very best wishes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 3:15 PM GMT
    Gee - I never mentioned your name??????

    Some people don't get it and don't know when to cease their behaviour!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 4:27 PM GMT
    Fighting cancer with radio waves

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    Dec 19, 2007 1:37 PM GMT
    A gunshot to the head is the only way to go- it's almost instantaneous and nearly impossible to fuck it up.

    If you are going to slice your wrists and exsanguinate yourself- it helps if you soak your arm in hot water to get the veins to pop out.

    Drug overdoses are tricky- its not even worth trying unless you can get your hands on strong opiate narcotics. Or get some street heroin.

    Hanging is easy and effective- but you are just going to slowly strangle, you won't easily be able to snap your neck unless you can calculate the distance you need to drop from.

    Gassing your self in the garage with car exhaust is a relatively painless and easy way to go.

    It's pretty easy to force a police officer into a situation where they would use lethal force. You could always start killing people in a crowded area and then don't stop killing until the pigs come and blow you away.

    So many option- but you can only do it once so you better do it right. If you can pull it off, then i envy you because I can't. I'd have to go with the last option if I were to try again. I can't do it myself, and the pinche chota would probably do it just so he could get home before his enchilladas got cold. Besides, I sure as shit ain't going out without making some noise.
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Dec 19, 2007 2:46 PM GMT
    While I can somewhat understand the desire to hasten one's last breath, whether by physical violence or poison / toxin, I am vehemently disgusted by the practice of harming others so as to make one's own suicide easier.

    The names of those who do such should be stricken from all records and replaced with the words "coward," "pitiful," and "disgraced." May they themselves no longer be remembered; let us only remember their actions so we can work to prevent similar actions in the future.