Does monogamy stille exist anymore?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 24, 2007 12:58 AM GMT
    Sometimes I think,why bother dating?

    Why bother with the niceties, and not just skip to first base.

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    Jan 24, 2007 1:27 AM GMT
    It depends entirely on what you are wanting out of life. If you feel you would be happy to meet someone who you have no-strings sex with, then go for it.

    Some people are fine with having sexual partners without any commitment. Lots of people, in fact.

    Personally, I need some friendship, respect and feeling from another person. That's not to say that it has to be totally monogamous - look at heterosexual couples to see how dismally that concept fails in many cases.

    I want to trust a partner to be honest with me, to respect my feelings and needs from him, and to be first an foremost a friend and companion in life. Sex is great, and should certainly factor in to the bargain, but it's not like I own another person and can order him not to be attracted to someone else.
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    Jan 24, 2007 3:51 PM GMT
    I think from my observations and even my darker side, many people suffer from "the grass is always greener" effect where they think something better than what they have now is around the corner.

    I don't know exactly what prompted the original post but I do think monogamy exists. I think where it exists is a very safe and comfortable place. I'm not saying it's easy for a straight couple but it seems that it may be harder to maintain for gay men and that's what is curious to me.
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    Jan 24, 2007 6:57 PM GMT
    I definitely believe it still exists. I am a very monogamous person. When I first started dating guys, I tried the 'we are just kicking it' route where we were able to still see other people, and I HATED it. I ended up not seeing anyone else, while he did. If I am into a person, they get all of my focus and attention, that is just how I am built.

    I learned the lesson in that relationship (if you can call it that...) that I dont like open relationships. I expect monogamy in anyone I date. I dont like to play second fiddle to anyone. And while I am an unselfish person generally, I am not when it comes to intimacy.

    Its all or nothing with me.
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    Jan 24, 2007 7:22 PM GMT
    Instant gratification seems to be the order of the day (the "ME" generation) -- forget all about the process of getting to point B from point A, its seems like it is just start me at point B -- nothing else...
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    Jan 24, 2007 10:33 PM GMT
    I agree with all the posts about being monogamous, and re-reading my own post, I realise how defensive it sounds.

    Truth is, I would love to be in a caring, monogamous relationship more than anything, but I often find myself defending slutty behaviour in my partners just to keep the belief that all is normal.

    Crazy, mixed up world.
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    Jan 24, 2007 11:06 PM GMT
    not pointing fingers but yea, several posts here DO sound defensive but that is not necessarily a bad thing! BUT, when u defend slutty behavior sounds like u r trying to rationalize and place blame on activites or the conduct of those who come in contact with you -- how about urself? again, dont take this badly, just making a point. thx
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    Jan 24, 2007 11:29 PM GMT
    Two issues, right? If you and your boyfriend pledge monogamy, and keep the pledge, no matter what, you're monogamous. However, say he's been "cheating" all the time, while claiming to be monogamous. Whatever the reason for the cheating (and it may have to be with something the person being cheated on has done or has not done), it's dishonorable to "claim" monogamy and be on the prowl.

    However, if you and your boyfriend/friend are "partnered" but have an agreement to have hookups (countless studies by shrinks say that that arrangement ultimately dooms the relationship, but who am I to agree or disaggee, then not being "monogamous" is not cheating.

    I'm with caston on this. If my boyfriend cheated on me while leaving me under the impression that we were monogamously coupled, I would be very hurt. Even if it were partially "my fault" that he started to wander.

    The boyfriend should be a man and confront the issue, not slink around. IMHO. thanks.
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    Jan 25, 2007 3:58 AM GMT
    Yeah, strangely, I seem to be the monogamous one in all my relationships - just mainly because I need more emotional connection to a person to be able to enjoy sexual experiences.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jan 25, 2007 7:26 AM GMT
    Good topic, guys.

    I have been in several very long term realtionships and tend to be the romantic, loyal type when partnered so my views reflect that. In observing other couples I have to say that Monogamy DOES exist and usually when they start having an open relationship, it quickly disintegtates but I also know many couples that have been together for a longtime in love and personally, I feel that if two people are in love, they don't even need to express it ... naturally they will stay with eachother!

    In the last relation I had,,, I would see a roomfull of what I now know are great looking guys and they would all be "grayed out" to my eyes.... my boyfriend would shine like a God... to me he was the most attractive man on earth.

    == Ron

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    Jan 25, 2007 2:41 PM GMT
    I have to agree with cronk... I always make up excuses why it happens and try to in my mind make it ok. when all i really wanted is someone to want me as i want them
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    Jan 25, 2007 2:48 PM GMT
    I couldn't be in a relationship where I was the only one practicing monogamy. I'm not wired that way either. It seems a very uneven and unfair situation that I would hope no one would endure for very long.
  • ScotXY

    Posts: 117

    Jan 25, 2007 7:17 PM GMT
    Well for me I am from the old school of beliefs.

    I have only been with 7 men in my life.. Was a virigin till 21 and was with my ex for 4y10m never cheated.

    For me I have had 1 one night stand and it was under circumstances after i had left my ex bf of 4y10m and this person was a freind i ahd takled to for about 4 -5 months as a friend.

    I tell ya I personally felt used thrown away and not wanted after he got what he wanted let alone EMPTY.

    I like sex do not get me wrong but I see it as sharing of eachothers bodies and caring and romance, sensuality and its great fun.

    One of my friends says that I simply am emotional with sex. To me people do what they will. Id rather it have meanign and be with someone I like and care for longer terms.

    thats my 2cents
  • imaxim

    Posts: 94

    Jan 25, 2007 8:37 PM GMT
    Going back to the original post, I wouldn't say "dating" normally implies monogamy. Personally, I've found it's very easy for me to fall into being monogamous with someone I'm very interested in, much as Ron described above. However, experience has taught me to always assume that a guy is continuing to sleep with other people until or unless we both decide otherwise. As such, I'm now trying to appreciate the benefits of being single... but it's sometimes tough when you're surrounded by couples.

    As for why not go straight to second base, I think the reason things are the way they are is because our community at large still holds on to a lot of unfortunate taboos about sexual behavior, inherited from heterosexuals. There's still this overwhelming assumption (both from those we "date" and from the community at large) that if we make a sexual connection with someone first (i.e., a "hookup"), it says something negative about them or means a deeper relationship isn't possible. So, gay men feel forced to play these silly games where both parties try not to seem too "easy", and to downplay their sexual history/activity.

    Of course, those aren't absolutes. A lot of men out there truly do prefer an emotional connection before having sex with someone. What's sad is that both types of sexual personalities aren't accepted. I think this narrow-mindedness on the part of our community (ironic as it is) may share a large part of the blame for the dishonesty, cheating, etc. that we see.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2007 8:46 PM GMT
    Well, I met my boyfriend here on real jock, and he came down to Brasil to meet me! He´s older than i ( HE ISNT RICH!!!!!!) and we fit so good together! Now im going to Canada, and we´ll get marry! He´s all the man that i need! It depends if you want it a Monagamus Relationship or only fun! You have a choice!

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    Jan 25, 2007 9:36 PM GMT
    Its about agreements....monogamy is no better than depends on the people involved and the amount of communication they are willing to share.

    Some have lasted forever because they have had the space to choose...
    And others need to be totally enveloped in eachother for it to last...

    Your choice...

    Choose wisely!!!
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    Jan 25, 2007 10:48 PM GMT
    life is full of choices-I know what's right for me and it's not my job to judge what choices others make. I'm totally a monogamous personality and it's not something that I can or want to change. We each need to find our own truth and then find someone with the same view.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jan 25, 2007 11:22 PM GMT
    Oh my...what a question...especially when we believe a 4 year relationship is equated with eternity in our "fast paced" gay world...

    I believe monogamy exists...I believe it is also work...and depending on where you are in your life that work is less/more difficult to achieve...if monogomous relationships were easy, many more people might have one...they aren't...and people don't...

    I also believe we are "hardwired" as a community differently. Just as there are variations in sexual orientation, there are bound to be variations on what a safe and secure relationship looks like...

    Now, if I could just let go of some of my own fear and jump back in the deep end of dating...I might have more to say!

    - David
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    Jan 25, 2007 11:38 PM GMT
    God bless marllus- everything always looks so complex to me... at any rate, my partner and I must have done things all wrong. We met cruising, had rockin sex on a dirt road before we knew each others names, kept meeting on the fly for a year, and twelve years later I still love him and intend to be with him until I die. when we "formalized" our relationship, I told him I'd never been very successful at monogamy but that I'd give it my best shot if that was what he wanted. After some discussion we decided to keep it open and it's never been a problem for us. we periodically revisit the issue to update our thoughts on it, but so far it has worked. it couldn't, however, if we were not both on board. generally, I think men, having our sex parts hung on us like Christmas ornaments, have a harder time being faithful.
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    Jan 26, 2007 12:16 AM GMT
    Its interesting slapdash that you are in an open relationship that has lasted 12 years. Honestly, I know more long term couples in the gay community that have open relationships than I do that are monogamous.

    It makes me wonder what the secret to longevity really is... is it an open relationship? or is it simply communication and always staying on the same page?

    The cool thing about open relationships is that there is never a need to lie or hide the truth. You can be open and honest, and never have to deal with 'trust' issues because there aren't any negative repercussions either way.

    Truthfully speaking, I wish I were more open to open relationships... it seems that gay life would be a little bit easier.
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    Jan 26, 2007 1:47 AM GMT
    Fourteen year! That's how long my partner and I have been together. I've had a blow job or two and I suspect he has as well, but I consider us to be monogamous. I've had "slips". Now, if a slab of man meat were to come along that really did it for me, I would consider a totally physical, non-emotional romp in the hay. I think that as thinking beings with senses of aesthetics, we humans are naturally randy.
  • SoCalBiker

    Posts: 1

    Jan 26, 2007 2:23 AM GMT
    I agree with the 'Grass is always greener on the other side". We have a monogamus relatioship that works very well for us. Though we do have another guy/ s join us from time to time to play with us.

    It's a great feeling to have that trust in any relationship....
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    Jan 26, 2007 2:33 AM GMT
    I hope that I am not wearing my rose colored glass, but I am hoping for a monogamous relationship. Very strongly desire to have a deeply committed and loving relationship with one man, only, period. I feel strongly about my ability to be committed for the long haul. Now to find someone who is equally committed as well. Yes, I for one beleive that a monogamous relationship can work and I am willing to put my all into one.
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    Jan 26, 2007 12:23 PM GMT
    First off, Hi RedKoste!!!

    Second, I'm all about monogamy. I've always been that way. I've always been monogamous in all my relationships, whether they've been a few months, or the one that lasted over 7 years. It's something that I prefer, and look for in a partner. If I meet someone that is not looking for a monogamous relationship, it's a deal breaker. It doesn't mean I can't be just friends with them. To each their own as far as I'm concerned. Open relationships are not for me.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Jan 26, 2007 4:34 PM GMT
    Having recently ended a wonderful, three year, monogomous relationship... I have to say, I liked it. I like dating. Sex is all well and good, but I actually enjoy all the other trappings, dinners, getting to know someone, cuddling on the couch watching stupid tv, wrestling and laughing, they're sexy.