I still wish I were straight

  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Jan 14, 2008 8:42 PM GMT
    Ok, so I'm having a hard time accepting my homosexuality. Every time I think I am getting better about it, I still have thoughts like, "why am I gay!?" or "I wish I were straight."

    It doesn't feel like I'll ever find a boyfriend. I've been single since 2004 when I broke up with my girlfriend and proceeded to find out my sexuality.

    I just don't know if I'll ever be "ok" with it. Sad, huh? My friends all accept me 100%. I have yet to come out to my parents, though. Maybe that conributes to not feeling "legitimate."

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to believe that I'll find a devoted partner and will be happy, but I'm not so sure. It seems promiscuity is rampant in the gay world, and that's just not my thing.

    So my gay brethren, any help or advice you would like to dispense?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16461

    Jan 14, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    Forget the boyfriend until you accept yourself. It bothered me what you said there... your a guy with many talents, the fact you are gay is only one.

    You didn't say if you have gay friends or how long you've been "out" (I assume you have talked to your friends about this). I would focus on the positive things in your life and how the whole gay process can be incorporated in a way that you are comfortable.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 14, 2008 10:41 PM GMT
    There's gonna come a day when you're gonna say
    "Thank God...I'm gay!!!"
    When your cousin tries to hook you up with a girl
    When your mother starts asking you when you're going to have kids
    When your str8 married friends start getting beer bellies and whine about their wives
    ....and ...
    when you're in the middle of a gay beach with every color speedo being paraded around your headicon_wink.gif
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Jan 14, 2008 11:13 PM GMT
    I've only really talked to my best friend about this conundrum. We're like brothers, so we're very frank and honest with each other. He's supportive of me 100% and is very excited about me finding a boyfriend. He suggests reading some books on the subject.

    I guess you're right about not finding someone to love you until you can love yourself.
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    Jan 14, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    Gay aint for sissies! ... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Jan 15, 2008 12:09 AM GMT
    Uh oh...not the dreaded eye roll!
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jan 15, 2008 12:12 AM GMT
    Hey Caslon, leave the guy alone, you bully icon_lol.gif

    TexanMan82, I was 32 years old before could accept myself as gay, and no one knew but me.

    So my advice to you is talk about it with your friends, and try and tell your parents. How do you think they would take it?

    I know for me, when I came out to my family, it was like load of my shoulders. I'm just out to family, but I know one or two outside the family that know. So I'm still coming out.

    It's nice to know you friends are behind you 100%.

    Don't wait till your 32 years old to start living your (gay) life.

    As for the promiscuity thing. All gay guys are not like that, so don't worry, you will find a man that has your morals.

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    Jan 15, 2008 12:18 AM GMT

    You're right! Being Gay Aint for the meek and mellow!


    You abolutely have not only like the man you are you also have to love and embrace the GAY MAN that you are and have yet to become.

    You could stumble over one dead-end relationship after another but I get the feeling you want one that will last.

    Love attracts love take your time NEVER settle.

    Once you are comfortable in your Gay skin coming out to those you love..ie your Family will not be a problem.

    You could become the best GAY MAN EVER!


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    Jan 15, 2008 12:29 AM GMT
    Hey bud, I know everyone's been in your shoes at least to some degree. I've always been surprisingly OK with being gay. I never tried having a girlfriend or anything. I just always knew this was me. So, I have no advice to give on accepting yourself except do not look to a relationship to make you feel better. You'll focus on the relationship and not the things you need to resolve within yourself.

    Yeah, there have been times I wished I was in this fabulous relationship with the most amazing guy...sure. I'm more a relationship kind of guy. I don't like dating, and I rarely have casual sex...unless I'm on vacation because it doesn't count on vacation icon_smile.gif After a couple of relationships though, I've learned to genuinely appreciate the times when I'm single. I use that time to better myself, focus the other things that make up who I am, and build great friendships that will outlast the come and go boyfriends. Never underestimate or take for granted the value of truly great friends.

    Just look around. Straights aren't having much luck at finding lasting relationships either. I really think the truly great relationships are few and far between these days...don't look at it as a bad thing though. It just makes you that much more grateful when it does come along icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 15, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    Listen, guy--

    All the above posters are right on. Here's the deal....for whatever reason, you were made this way. It isn't all you are. You're self-employed, so clearly you have entrepreneurial talent. You have close knit friends, so clearly you are a man with all kinds of love in you. Forget the craziness: you are ALREADY a successful man.

    So here's the deal: accept how you are made, and in time learn to glory in it, or spend your life wishing you were someone else and be miserable. You're not French, either, or a fish, and it's pointless to wish you were. You seem like a fine man. Enjoy your life.

    And as they said above, when you love yourself for precisely what you are, a man will come along for you that values you for you, and wants to spend his life with you. Don't worry about stereotypes: some gay men are sad cases, but so are lots of straight people.

    Good luck and remember---your new friends on RJ have got your back!
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    Jan 15, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    Finding someone that you can love and let love you is a really hard thing to do. But, otherwise,it wouldn't be worth it.

    Stick to your guns, kiddo.
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    Jan 15, 2008 12:41 AM GMT
    Self confidence, gay self acceptance, financial success, relationships, finding yourself - none of these are black and white things. You're never "there". It's all part of the process of life experience and to get "there" before you're happy or fulfilled is a waste of the enjoyment of the process itself.

    Even after you come out to your parents, achieve that financial milestone, find that boyfriend, you and your goals are always changing, you'll always have different challenges and possibly higher and higher goals.

    I thought that once I came out to my parents life would be all rosey and genuine and I'd be filled with confidence and that I'd be unstoppable. It didn't work that way. Each day I find more and more things to work on, and the important thing to learn is enjoy the small successes and enjoy each step of the way.

    Last year, I got myself out there, met more people, became more sociable, and even managed to date a guy for a few months. Did I find everlasting love? No. Did it hurt when the dream ended? Yes... but I enjoyed every part of the process.

    Even if you met the PERFECT guy now, are you ready for it? Would your self worth / esteem stand up to rigours of a relationship?

    Focus on what you can control... the little daily baby steps to improve yourself in the right directions. Let life sort the rest of the details out. Remember, being gay is a small part of your identity. There are plenty of character traits you can work on to improve yourself and your relationships.
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    Jan 15, 2008 12:43 AM GMT
    I look at it this way.

    I'm a human being before I'm a gay man, I am a talented individual before I am a gay man. I am a passionate person before I am a gay man. I am a man before I am a gay man.

    Hopefully you get the picture of what I'm trying to say. Being gay is only a small part of who I am and I have learned to integrate that into my life and I hope others will learn how to do that also. I don't run around with my hands in the air screaming "I'm gay! Look at me I'm gay!" I really couldn't give a hot crap if someone knows or if they don't! It's a part of me that I keep to me and will only allow those that I want to share that with the privilege of knowing a deeper part of me.

    Live your life and the rest will fall into place.
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    Jan 15, 2008 12:44 AM GMT
    the only thing i'd add to all these great comments is --

    don't look too hard for a boyfriend. let it happen naturally. (plus guys can smell the desperation and will run away.) icon_smile.gif

    if you really want to find "true love" (whatever that is) it could take several months, but it could also take several years. for many, i only comes once in a life time.

    in the mean time, just get out there and date and have fun! there are all kinds of gay clubs you can join (especially in austin -- lots of hotties your age) and there are lots of dating sites as i'm sure you know. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 15, 2008 12:50 AM GMT
    I think that many guys go through stages of acceptance. They might be
    'kid in candy store'

    It's not a standard order or something where every guy goes through the all of these, they are the kinds of things you may go through.

    For me and where I am in my life the only two things that are drawbacks to me are the legal/rights issues and personal safety in some areas.

    Other than that, I'd never wish to be straight. Everything straight men have is available to me.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Jan 15, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    Thanks for the replies, y'all. I don't want to give the impression that I'm some sad man. I'm really not. I have great friends and an awesome family. I am truly apreciative for everything in my life.

    I guess it just sucks when all of your straight friends are in happy relationships and you are not. You tend to look at yourself and wonder, "what's wrong with me?"

    I'll be fine. I'm a strong person with huge goals and aspirations. Whenever I truly get down, I look at my friends and know that they wouldn't be friends with me if I were defective.
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    Jan 15, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    Hey, MikePhil, I wouldnt bullying him. ... icon_wink.gif ... Just making an observation. hahahahaha

    Personally, I have never wanted to be straigtht. I have never had a heterosexual impulse in my life. I am totally gay. Which doesnt mean that I am fey. But I do enjoy campy humor. I can see the absurdity, sarcasm and irony in it.

    I like being gay. I like the challenges that it has given me to analyze myself, understand myself, and make a life that I want to live. That has expanded my willingness to question other aspects of society. Now that doesnt mean that I go charging off tilting at society to change it to accomodate my decisions. But I know when and why I make the decisions I do.

    I wouldnt be straight if it came in a pill!
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    Jan 15, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    I can understand this from a different angle because I am bi. It took me a long time to be comfortable with the fact that I do have attractions to both sexes. At least for myself, the friendship side of it was the most important aspect regardless. Generally speaking people seem to sleep around less with age, develop deeper friendships and become more comfortable with who they are. At least that is my observations and experience. It seems like that a large percentage of both straight and gay young men have similar concerns. I also believe that a bad fit with a partner is worse than having friends and no romantic partner.
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    Jan 15, 2008 1:28 AM GMT
    Well done, as usual, Cas!icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 15, 2008 1:34 AM GMT
    TexanMan82 said

    I guess it just sucks when all of your straight friends are in happy relationships and you are not. You tend to look at yourself and wonder, "what's wrong with me?"

    Pardon me while I laugh hysterically for a moment. icon_lol.gif

    Yeah, I used to look at my straight friends' relationships and think, "Why not me?", but that was before they all started getting married. Certainly some of my straight friends are happy, but others are in some pretty awful marriages, so awful that it's difficult even visiting for an afternoon. It's no fun watching a friend pretend he's happy.

    But hey, the same thing happens with my gay friends. Some are in great relationships, some are in sucky ones, and some are still single.

    It's so easy to see the surface of somebody else's life and think it's all happy and perfect, especially if you're feeling less than perfect yourself, but let me assure you, it's all in your head. Relationships are relationships, gay or straight.

    So don't judge yourself based on somebody else's relationship -- please! Just be happy with who you are. And if you're not happy with who you are, have the patience to work it out. Because wherever your happiness lies, you'll find it sooner or later. Trust me. icon_smile.gif
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Jan 15, 2008 2:24 AM GMT
    TexanMan82 saidI guess it just sucks when all of your straight friends are in happy relationships and you are not. You tend to look at yourself and wonder, "what's wrong with me?"

    You might re-examine the above statement. Being single doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it means you haven't bumped into a compatible single fella that flips your switch. Some people are perfectly happy being single, but open to a relationship if it happens. And, you don't have to be promiscuous as long as you have two hands.