Telling on your friend! Would you do it or not?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 9:03 PM GMT
    I was messaging NYCMUSC4MUSC this morning about a friend of mine who has a girlfriend and at the same time is seeing/dating and screwing around with a married man.

    This guy is bi and in the closet.

    Would you tell the other partner or not?

    Personally I would like to, I know who the married man is and have met my buddies girlfriend for a few hours one evening. Don't know what to do, but I know what he is doing is not right. To complicate the situation he is also fuck buddies with a gay physician who has multiple partners. I find it very dangerous behaviour for all parties concered.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 9:43 PM GMT
    I thought that there was an unwritten rule that one gay man does not out another.

    Above and beyond that, it's none of your business. However, if you feel fearful for your friend's safety or peace of mind, talk with him first, and really listen to and digest what he has to say. Weigh it against your own thoughts and feelings, tell him, lovingly, brother to brother, what you are thinking and feeling.

    Every man has to learn and grow, and has to choose for himself, and reap the consequences of his choices. You can warn him, but it's not your place to out him.

    Anybody else???
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    May 17, 2007 9:47 PM GMT
    Warn him, but don't tell on him. Karma will bite him in the ass.
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    May 17, 2007 9:52 PM GMT
    What he is doing is really despicable. But I don't think it's wise for you to "rat" on him. You can let him know that you think it's awful first just forcefully, then more so.

    If he really is doing something unsafe to his partners (like having unsafe sex) and you know that he is, it becomes much more complicated an issue. Both from the standpoint on telling his girlfriend, and also from the standpoint of whether you want to stay in a relationship of any sort with him.

    That's just awful, and I can imagine how this affected your feelings for the guy.
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    May 17, 2007 9:53 PM GMT
    You need to confront him. It's true that everyone is responsible for their own choices, but when that person is making choices that impact others, then something needs to be done.

    His wife needs to know for her safety. But you telling her might not be the best way to go about doing it...

    confront your friend...if he doesn't respond, then bring a mutual friend into the situation and confront him again together. If he still doesn't respond, then you need to go to the wife. Unless she signed up for an open marriage, then my guess is she doesn't know he is bringing other people into their bed...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 9:55 PM GMT
    sorry girlfriend, not wife
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 10:07 PM GMT
    There is nothing open here. Wives and girlfriends don't know.

    We did speak for 2 days, he is extremely sick about the whole thing and doesn't know what to do.

    Due to the fact that he does not see his married lover, he fools around with his doctor friend on the side.

    I think the girlfriend is just a front to hide his sexual orintation. But that is my opinion.

    I just don't like see people hurt and I know that this married lover will never leave his wife for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 10:59 PM GMT
    First of al, I do not take anyone seriously when they say they have safe sex... You cannot assume that they are telling you the truth. If this guy is doing this kind of things to another human being, when he tells you he is having safe sex with the promiscous doctor, take it with a grain of salt...

    2nd, how well do you know this person? Is he a close friend..?

    3rd, yes, I do believe you should tell him how you feel. Speak about the well being and the health of his girfriend... That he has no right to harm someone emotionally and above all, put this person's health at risk.

    Do you know how most women get HIV beside IV drug use...? From bi sexual partners who are too embarrased to tell their partners. I remember reading some where an HIV bi sexual male was asked why he did not practice safe sex with his then girl friend who he passed the HIV virus to... He said, well, if I even suggested to have safe sex with her, she would become suspicious that I have been unfaithful, not ot mention that I have been not with another woman, but another man, and unsafe...

    Think about that for a while... Remember the pop Isreali singer Ophra Hassa...? She dies from AID she got from her bi sexual boyfriend who was afraid to tell her about his sexual activities... She was his "straigth" sexual front, and she paied with horrific illnes and finally death..

    Think about that...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 11:04 PM GMT
    I wouldn't tell. That's terrifying to be outted when you aren't ready. What he's doing is messed up, but it's his business. I messed around with a married guy before, his wife knew and they played together. Never with me however. I also am chatting with a guy on the internet that has a wife and kids, he has now idea that I know about him and he keeps lying about having a wife and kids. I'm not going to mess with him just for the simple fact that he's married... I even told him how I felt about guys that mess with guys while they are still married one time when we were chatting and he didn't catch on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 11:05 PM GMT
    Obviously I am the harsh and unpopular one here...

    If it was me, I would confront him, and tell him that if he does not tell her, I will tell her.

    If this was happenning to me, I would thank the person who told me the truth, even if it is a stranger...

    It can destory your friendship with this person. It will definately be very unpleasant. But his promiscuity is not a light matter.

    We are not talking about gay men who are used to the idea of suggesting safe sex. Most straight and steady couples do NOT have safe sex, even if they tell you they do, trust me no this.

    This is not the same as ratting someone out of the closet, or telling on the cheating husband to the wife about the otehr woman...

    This is a case where someone can possibly pay with her health, life quality, and finally, her life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 11:08 PM GMT

    Your situation is not the same. You only chatetd with this man. Rick was with the guy a whole weekend and he has witnessed this guy being promisuous with otehr highly promiscous men...

    It is beyong outting someone. It is protecting someone the risk of a life changing and irrersible disease!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 11:11 PM GMT
    Agree with Rhythm1438..

    Again, this was not just chatting online. This is not about outting someone. This is about a 3rd innocent person risking her life when she does not even know she is at risk and that she could ahve med decisions on her own that is very different if she knew the truth...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2007 11:15 PM GMT
    And Sundown55 is a married closeted gay man, of course he will tel you not to out this guy.

    Again, outting someone is not even the priority here. It is the health and safety of a 3rd person. It is none of your business? So if you walk down the street and witness a young guy mugging a much older lady, walk on by and tell yourself it is none of your business. The same can be said when youre the one being mugged...
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    May 18, 2007 12:55 AM GMT
    He doesn't know what to do? He knows what he should do he just doesn't want to do it, and that is definately understandable and he has gotten himself in an untenable situation. The problem is that they women are being endangered without their consent. He can do what he wants and take what risks he wants, but he shouldn't risk others who have no idea. The women should have the right to decide what risks they are going to take sexually, and there are other diseases besides HIV that they can acquire. At the same time I'm not sure you should directly tell the women, or at least give him time to come clean and probably getting some counseling would be a good idea as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 1:22 AM GMT
    Right on!

    To those who say "Aww it is terrible to out someone" or "It is none of your business."

    You would not say this if this was happening to your little sister, or a dear close female friend...

    I do have a little sister, and if some guy is doing this to her, I will not even mention what I will do to this guy... But I will personally thank the one who told her about the truth! And she will too!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 1:28 AM GMT
    seeI just don't see how you could consider a person like this a friend. Just think that if he is two timing this many people will he really be there for you when you need him?? you should at least confront him and tell him to get his act together and with the girlfriend and the wife, I would consider telling them if he doesn't. These are people whose lives are potentially on the line because this guy is messing around with a dozen different people. these girls probably have unprotected sex with their men thinking they are in monagamous relationships and all the while not realizing they are sleeping with half the city because you dont only sleep with the guy you sleep with but everyone he sleeps with and every one they sleep with ad infinitum. I know this is not a popular opinion but at the end of the day even if they are upset with what they hear at least you are giving them the opportunity to keep themselves safe. talk to the friend if he doesnt get it together then consider going that extra step.
  • DrStorm

    Posts: 185

    May 18, 2007 1:50 AM GMT
    I've a story close to my heart and very relevant to this topic. It involves one of my closest friends in Cape Town, whom I grew up with and "did what teenage boys will do with each other"...We fooled around into our late 20s (no kissing/fucking, but everything else)...He had a girlfriend for 8 years before he married her in his early 30s. To me, he is truly "BI". I came out to them both and all was cool, as she had many gay friends at the time, but never suspected my friend liked things other than T&A....(never underestimate the power of denial)

    About 1 year before they finally got married ~ 2000, she actually started wondering about my friend's orientation and asked me and I LIED and said "HELL NO, HE'S STRAIGHT". Just before their wedding we ended up doing a "Broke Back Mountain"scene... (you know very well which one)...

    Anyway, my friend had to be "straight" in his mind owing to the life he was living (family/work)....anyway to cut to the chase, I've always loved him very much, but knew I was leaving to live in the US back in '95 and was OUT and he was eventually going to get married and live the "LIE" to satisfy everyone else but himself...

    7 years later my friend has a 4 year old son and finds himself in a loveless marriage which he maintains to please his frail 90 something mother and older brothers....he's expressed his total dissatisfaction with his life and how it's turned out and at the same time he is in total envy of mine. C'est la vie.....

    The question now begs this: Should I have told her (his girlfriend at the time and current wife) the truth when she asked me about my friend's orientation....If I could go back YES, I would have told her the truth. A kid is now involved and she is devastated that her fairy tale wedding is in tatters owing to my friend's total unhappiness with the situation he's in now. She suspects him, he denies it and well, there you have it....predictable.

    I do realize that we can't live the lives of make the bed you sleep in. And no, you should not out others. But, all I've seen in the last 4 years is sadness, despair and unhappiness...not an environment fit for a child to be brought up in and I feel partly responsible as I know I could have changed things.

    Tough call. It always is. I think at the end of the day if you REALLY care and love someone you will make the hard choice. The TRUTH has wrecked many a tenuous situation, but lies, know about them...

    I think I did my friend a disservice by not being upfront with his girlfriend when I should have been. We had discussed the issues before he got married, but he made the decision to get married then and I respected it. I did not agree with it.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 1:52 AM GMT
    The potenial danger of catching something bothers me. The fact that many people will be hurt big time through all of this is really sad.

    I spoke with him and he listened. He needed to listen cause it was making him sick. He also told me that he had a few fainting smells from anxiety. so I think he is ready to make change.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 1:58 AM GMT
    I have another friend who was the mistress in a 12 year relationship. They shared a condo together. Her boyfriend died and she was devistated that she could not attend the funeral because the family told her that they would have her legs broken if she did. I saw her suffer for months following his death. She never knew that he was married. She even met his children. I thought from time to time that he was married.

    She told me later that she had wished that someone would of told her. His best friends used to dine with them and kept it a big secret.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 1:59 AM GMT
    Agree with Dr. Storm.

    I also agree coming out is a very personal matter, and youshould not choose to do this for anyone but yourself.

    HOWEVER, coming out is not the priority, but a necessary evil in this case.

    This is the age of AIDs and HIV. This is EVEN more dire than having kids. This is potentially deadly to some innocent 3rd party...

    If you tell on him, youare not doing it toout him, youare doing it to prevent an innocent person the risk she faces with her health and life EVERYTIME she is sexually inimate with this guy..

    Just think abou tit again, what if this was your little sister...?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 2:05 AM GMT
    Like what I tell my friends (thi sis a personal view):

    The truth may hurt, but hurt at least has the potential to heal...

    But deception always destroys all, with irreversible results.

    And truth is like the post man, he always comes back twice, he makes sure to get you...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 5:02 AM GMT
    The universe has a way of taking care of these matters --- don't play GOD here. Remember, THE TRUTH ALWAYS HAPPENS.
    Just let it...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 5:07 AM GMT
    Not playing God..No one can.

    Truth can come a bit too late when results are irreversible..

    I am pointing out again that coming out is a very personal choice and experience. No one should do it for anyone bu themselves, when they are ready, if they want to.

    However, in cases like this, the consequences of the action of ONE party is SHARED by another... Outing someone ceoms 2nd to letting an innocent 3rd person risk harm.

    Truth does come out, but the damages may hve been done, and worse of all, life threatening, and IRREVERSIBLE..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 6:15 AM GMT
    You need to disassociate with a person of such low integrity.

    If you think clearing on it, how could you ever trust someone like that in your home? Someone who lies about something as basic as sexuality.

    I don't allow dishonest folks in my life. You can't trust a person like that. They have to be discarded.

    You need to put as much space as you can between you and this guy. No need to tell on him...he lives his own's unhealthy to have someone so dishonest in your life.

    Run, Will Robinson, run. There's no place in a healthy lifestyle for dishonest folks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 18, 2007 6:16 AM GMT
    I have standing rules about profileless / pictureless. Those rules have served me very well.

    If a person can't be honest with basic thing, almost certainly they're a dishonest person loaded with baggage in nearly every part of their lives. Personally, not inviting that additional drama / overhead into my life.