Is it too cruel to tell someone that there is no connection, even on line?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2007 2:55 PM GMT
    Just a thought! I chat with different guys from time to time and I would rather someone tell me that they are not interested then to just ignore me. I just would not do that to someone. If I like someone, I am honest and If I don't I tell them nicely. After all this is only a web site and really no feeling should get hurt. What do you think?
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    May 21, 2007 3:10 PM GMT
    I think it's important to be up front and truthful with anyone we communicate with online. Say something positive about them and then tell them that you're simply not a match. Everyone appreciates the honesty.
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    May 21, 2007 3:11 PM GMT
    Letting someone know politely that you feel no connection, etc is perfectly fine. By telling someone that you think they are a nice person, but no connection is there, is probably the nicest way of doing it. Besides, if you're honest, you aren't wasting their time.
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    May 21, 2007 3:44 PM GMT
    I agree 100%. I do the same.
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    May 21, 2007 3:47 PM GMT
    I don't think there is anything wrong with telling someone that you don't feel a connection or there is no interest. But, I would like to add, a lot of times you meet someone online you really like and then there is no connection or chemistry when you actually meet in person. So, it makes you wonder what if...?? What if it actually can work just the opposite? What if you have no connection online, but if you were to meet in person, the chemistry would be estatic? Who knows...

    What I have found interesting.... a few guys I've complimented automatically let me know right away that we had nothing in common. Forget the fact that I'm a well rounded individual and not everything can be expressed in a profile. I wasn't even looking to get involved or have an online friendship. I was just paying them a compliment.

    There are some many different personalities online and not everyone shines through, especially when people assume through typed messages and not actual inflection of voice or body language what is truly being expressed or conveyed.

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    May 21, 2007 3:48 PM GMT
    Just because you communicate with someone does not mean that you are falling in love. I really like to get to know the person for a while before meeting them and even them perhaps a meeting of just a bit to eat in a public place.

    Communication is key and it is ok to tell someone that you like them as a friend!
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    May 21, 2007 3:50 PM GMT
    It's definitely important to be upfront and truthful. And there is no need to be rude or unpleasant about it. Or to put other guys down.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3462

    May 21, 2007 9:09 PM GMT
    You won't get any argument from me. I agree there are nice ways of saying you're not interested. If someone takes the time to email me and compliment me, I think it's only right to send them thanks -- whether or not you're interested. If someone gets a bit persistent and doesn't get a clue, then you need to respond a bit stronger. I only ignore someone if they just don't get it.

    But, I find this is the case in the real world, too. Not just this and other dating websites. I'd rather have someone tell me after a date that there was no connection for them than to have them ignore my calls/emails. I think it's rude and an easy way out just to ignore someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2007 10:09 PM GMT
    If you are gonna tell someone about lack of connection, then you need to be extremely polite about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2007 12:12 AM GMT
    I think honesty is always the best policy, but there is always a need to tell someone kindly and with thought.
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    May 22, 2007 6:44 PM GMT
    Honesty is the best policy as anyone else would tell you.

    Whereas the internet serves as a good medium for trickery and deceit, it can also serve and a perfect plain for truth and openness.

    the detachment that comes without not knowing someone in person gives the chance to say such things without guilt. So take advantage of it.

    Its like I tell my mom, and dad, yeah I know parents asking their gay son for advice is pretty sad, if theres not a connection then there just isn't one.

    You're not being fair to that person or yourself if you don't just admit it and bring it up. chances are, even though I haven't experienced it yet, that they may feel the same way.

    Either way, people will respect you for your honesty and being brave enough to not waste their time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2007 7:37 PM GMT
    It's NEVER easy to hear/read those words, but no, it's not "cruel." The truth never hurt anyone. Maybe it smarts for a bit, but the truth is a far better way to go.
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    May 24, 2007 3:31 AM GMT
    What is amazing and sad to me is when a guy will not even acknowledge a compliment. I just joined this site and I have sent a few, short little notes giving a compliment. These are never sexual or tacky. More often that not, I simply don't get a reply. I think this is very,very rude. More often than not it is usually the hottest and most handsome who do not reply.
    What do u guys think?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 1:25 AM GMT

    Some guys are in love with their mirror. They don't talk to anyone. It is an ego thing or most likely low self esteem. Just plain rude in my books.

    However, there are some really nice down to earth guys too. They are not all like that. Keep trying.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 1:59 AM GMT
    I have had some pretty interesting conversations on this site with both the Gods of Photographic illusion ( lol ) and the not so Gods. All of those that stayed online after the Top/Bottom question were alot of fun to speak to. I didn't sign on to this site to meet anyone face to face and likely never will but I have made some contacts that have given me the the point of view of life in their worlds, a learning experience. The beauty of the internet allows us to get perspectives from all over the world in seconds and connect with people we would never normally encounter. The single minded are, sadly, no loss.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    May 25, 2007 2:47 AM GMT
    ...I am curious to ask "how" or "what" people say so it comes off as "nice"...

    ...apparently in my belief of being clear and direct...I come off with having no tact...perhaps I just am weary and tired and want to get to the point...

    My ears are open.

    - David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 4:30 AM GMT
    Interesting thread. Many seem to be assuming that this site is for hook-ups, and thus any attempt to interact is seen as a come-on rather than for simple conversation. I would say I get a response from only 20% of those I reach out to, tho in [most] cases I'm really just interested in hearing about a race or a training issue. The farther away, the more likely I get a response. I'm with shyguysport and dirtbike on this topic.
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    May 25, 2007 4:33 AM GMT
    I agree with dfourke.

    I haven't found an effective way of telling someone that you're not interested without receiving a hostile response in return.

    Frankly, I understand why people refuse to respond if they know beforehand that they are not interested (physically, intellectually, etc.) ... Why would you want to engage yourself in a conversation which has a good chance of ending badly?

    While most of the comments in this thread are rational and intelligent thoughts, if Person A is rejected by Person B ... Personal A typically wants to hurt person B in return.

    So ... for those of you who say that it should be done politely and such, how do YOU tell someone that there is no connection?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 11:27 AM GMT
    I have three responses:

    1. No response at all.

    2. "Sorry, I'm not interested"

    3. "I'm not attracted to you, sorry."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 1:00 PM GMT
    When I deal with it I usually start off by responding in a way that is polite, but doesn't invite further dialogue.

    He: "Hey, how are you?"

    Me: "Fine, thanks."


    Then we go to the 1 word answers....

    He: "What are you up to?"

    Me: "emails"


    By then 90% take the hint. But there's always the guys that just keep coming back with more... little questions to keep you engaged.

    That's a hard call. If they're polite and don't try to draw me out, I'll keep to the one word answers for a while hoping they'll lose interest. One finally asked me if I'd rather he not contact me anymore - I told him his limited profile suggested to me that we had no basis for conversation (a jock with 2 pictures, both showing no muscle and holding a cocktail at a party) and he assured me that he was in fact a real muscle stud, he just had no pictures. Hmmmmm..... I suggested he get some better shots in there to back up his claims. He went away until about a week ago when he messaged me again - no improvement in the profile. I didn't respond at all.

    I remember being told (and am still told from time to time) to fuck off - that I am/was too this or too that. Rejection does hurt - sometimes when I wasn't even making a try for someone - I was just paying them a compliment:

    me: "Hey, great chest - nice work."

    he: "no olds"


    There's got to be a happy medium somewhere.

    Nice thread. Thanks.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 2:51 PM GMT
    Hey Rick,
    Great thread, I think most men are arrogant esp younger ones. I have sent short emails to guys just to say great pic, nothing too serious, I'm not looking to hookup or for a relationship. If someone sends me an email wiht a compliment I always email back, that's just common good manners to me. I think most of us have expectations of the kind of guys we think we should attract and heaven forbid a guy hit you up that you think is below your standards out of your league. I always treat people the way I want to be treated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 7:24 PM GMT
    I don't get much conversation on here-- but on another web site, even though my profile says "not looking," I often get a lot of chat invitations. Like, too many to be able to talk to anyone. The more attractive guys on here probably have the same problem.

    When I tried in the past to politely explain that I was not interested, I usually got a nice reply, like "sorry to bother you." But too often I got responses like "why not," and people who will argue with me. When I WAS looking, before I was in a relationship, it was even harder, because if I said "you're not my type," they might say "what IS your type," or "I look better now than my picture" or even "I just want to..." etc. It gets old real fast, and at those times, if you really DO want to chat with someone on the site, but not with EVERYONE, you just have to ignore other people.

    So when someone is ignoring you, just be patient. They may be talking to a bunch of people, they may be not looking, or they may not be interested in you, regardless, they are not obligated to reply to every message or chat window they get. If you try a chat, and they ignore you, send a mail message that just says you'd like to chat sometime if they are interested, and leave it at that. If they ignore the mail, you should probably move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2007 9:13 PM GMT
    When someone sends me a message and says "show me your cock" I send a message back saying, "sorry but you have contacted the wrong guy."

    If I get a message from someone and that they like my profile and they would like to get to know me, I will check thier profile and if the person has enough info with pics as I do, I will respond. I will tell them I would like to see more info and pics first, if that is ok. Put the ball back in thier court.

    I realize that this site is like a candy store and we are all deprived little children. Someone always better comes along.

    You can tell someone the truth in a nice way.

    - I liked your profile but don't think there is a connection there.

    - If you don't have time for someone, tell them that you don't have time. I found that some folks on this site have no job and would like to chat all day long. Sorry I have to go and will talk to ya soon.

    Just treat others as you want to be treated yourself.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2007 10:48 PM GMT
    Chemguy and others-
    I have to disagree with your position. I don't want to go "cosmic" on everyone, but I think the whole "I'll just ignore the guy till he goes away" strategy, simply adds to the coldness and harshness of the internet. Maybe I am missing something, but what is so hard about writing a simple "thanks", when someone offers you a compliment. I mean if someone complimented you at work or on the street, would u look the other way? Or ignore them? I think not. If the guy persists in trying to chat u up, then just simply say something like:
    I am just on here looking around, not really interested in chatting. or,
    Thanks, but I am just not interested.
    If they go psycho after that, then just block them. They clearly don't get it. But, you know what? At least you will have done your part to put
    good karma out there. And what is so wrong about "doing to others as we would do unto ourselves"?
    It is about time we treated each other with a little more kindness and respect.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2007 11:16 PM GMT

    Let me clarify my comments further.

    If someone sends me a compliment, I'll reply 'Thanks, very much.' However, if I were to send someone a compliment, I wouldn't expect one in return. Personally, I think that there is something insincere about giving a compliment and acting snotty if you don't receive one back in return.

    Also, I don't think that someone should feel required to start a conversation with me solely because I gave them a compliment. That's true whether it were to happen at a bar, on the street, online, etc. Replying with a 'Thank You' is one thing, but starting a conversation is a different story. In my opinion, 'Thank You' is a suitable way to end the conversation without being rude.

    Now ... If a person continues to engage you in conversation post-compliment and you really aren't interested ... I'll say, 'No Thanks, I'm not interested.' While YOU may not lash out in anger to that response, today alone ... I had 2 guys on here make smarmy comments about how 'Who do you think you are? You're not all that' and how I'm a *insert vitrolic string of hate here*.

    I see where you're coming from and I agree with most of what you say. I think that replying is the nice thing to do, however, you shouldn't feel entitled to receive one in return. It doesn't make someone a bad person if they refuse to reply ... they are who they are and why worry about it. *shrug*