imperator | Hooked on awe, on argument and on intense feeling.

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  • imperator
  • Jul 12, 2020 - 7:06 AM


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    About Me

    • Vote him Man of the Day
    • Member since: 12/11/07
    • Last active: More than a week ago
    • Age: 41
    • First location: Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada
    • Relationship Status: Monogamous Relationship
    • Looking for: Friends, Training Buddies, Online Chat
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    My Stats and Info

    • Build: Average
    • Height: 6' 0''
    • Weight: 195 lbs
    • Waist:
    • Chest:
    • Arms:
    • Hair color: Brown
    • Eye color: Brown
    • Ethnicity: White
    • My gym: Goodlife gym in Fredericton, NB
    • Weight training:
    • Cardio training:
    • Sports I like: Running, Swimming, Weight training
    • Other sports I like:
    • HIV status: HIV -
    • Safer sex?: Always


    I thought it was about time to update this, even though the more self-descriptions I write the more I feel that they're meaningless. I can volunteer facts and statistics about myself, I can express opinions and thoughts, I can relate experiences, but "I" am not those things; I'm not the sum of statistics, I'm not my thoughts, and my experiences are all behind me but they aren't "me." And this is true of everybody. But I thought I'd publish something anyway, because facts and statistics can still be neat, and I do enjoy expressing ideas that I have, and sometimes my experiences can even benefit others. But I'm gonna dabble in an unconventional, open format and see how that works out. I might ramble on at length about whatever comes to mind or I might just throw out a blurb, or a quote that informs me; bear with me or-- if you have a short attention span-- turn back NOW!

    "If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." (Gen. George Patton) I'm an empiricist, a skeptic, sometimes a contrarian. Whenever I happen upon unanimity of opinion I get nervous and expect people to start burning books, which to me is profoundly evil. This even applies when *I* agree with everyone in the room (or, as I tend to see it, *they* all have the good sense to agree with *me*), something kicks in and I start arguing against my own side by turning the issue around, and upside-down, and extrapolating the theme to some extreme until I find something we can *dis*agree on; this is how I reassure myself that I haven't been assimilated into a hive-mind, because my intellectual sovereignty is important to me. For some reason. I'm also a little-"a" atheist/agnostic in that I think if there is a god, it's nothing like what any human religions purport it to be. I do, however, have a fanciful idea about why it might have set off the big bang (and not intervened in the universe since) and if you wanna' hear about it you can write me. Long story short: I find faith-based worldviews absurd. Yet somehow I've spent the last 6 years with a partner who has one. Don't ask me to explain that-- love is strange and stupid and can be habit-forming. As a Taurus I'm supposedly a creature of habits. (I am, but that's a coincidence. I put no stock in astrology.)

    Speaking of love, I'm full of the stuff. So much so that sometimes I think monogamy never really was for me and that by being monogamous for 6+ years I've grievously betrayed some inner-hippie in me that was born in the wrong decade. I earnestly believe that the world would be infinitely improved if we dispensed with jealousy and all practice a more organic, free-form of love. I have *many* ideas about what would make a better world, and when I think about how little hope there is that I'll see that world (because people are *stupid*) it threatens to crush me with despair. But I convert despair to righteous anger, and I have a LOT of that. Love and idealism to cynical despair to rage-- the shrink I used to go to thought I was an interesting case study :-D

    A massive % of my mental resources are devoted to imagining other universes where "I" am accomplishing huge things for the world, if not the whole cosmos. My fantasy alter-egos are star-spanning peacemakers and warriors and diplomats and freaks and sluts. And whereas I believe in an infinite multiverse whereby any probability I (or you) can imagine, however remote, gets expressed in some alternate universe, I take infinite solace in the notion that those other me's could be real in some other realities, and that 'I' have everything I hope for even if 'I' am not experiencing that waveform collapse. Quirky side-note: because I often admire my imagined other selves, sometimes I try to assimilate their best/most-useful traits, skills, attitudes, etc into myself. Like, part of me is really interested in martial arts because I imagine a different 'me' has mastered several of them. Sometimes I feel like I'm a gestalt of my own fantasies, it can make for some weird existential thinking.

    "I will accept any rules that you feel necessary to your freedom. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them. If I find them obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." (Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress") I think a lot... because to me thinking is actually fun. Yeah, I know how that sounds :-P But some of the things I think about the most are politics and morality/ethics, sovereignty and responsibility, and freedom. And I've ended up with a slightly conflicted perspective where socially I'm pretty liberal, I care about freedom and the equality of persons (not to be mistaken for equality of ideas), but I'm also really concerned with communal responsibility and I end up a real hard-ass on justice issues. There's an arcane logic at work that I can try to explain if queried; something like "let's live by the golden rule-- and if you break the rule, you're an animal and I have the option to kill you."

    Philosophically I'm inclined towards classical Stoicism, Buddhism and Taoism. All three, to me, promote an abiding realism and a centered calm and tranquility that I wish I had more of. But I'm also very easily distracted and I haven't seriously devoted much time to meditation in ages. I should do something about that :-/

    I'm also a proud, militant, agenda-carrying, patriarchy-hating, activist faggot. I find the "straight-acting" monicker panders to a historic heteronormativity/homophobia in a way that's offensive. It demeans the brave, furious 'sissies' who kicked the cops' asses at Stonewall. It demeans my flamboyant best friend. It even kinda demeans my very diverse and sometimes "gay-acting" straight friends by limiting them to some 'straight stereotype.' Stop 'acting,' start thinking about the meaning behind the words you choose to use, and rejoice in your birthright as an outsider; outsiders are afforded an opportunity to hone vision and to effect change. That doesn't mean you have to fake 'swishy' if you aren't-- *be yourself*-- but unless straight people are better than us there's no reason to brag about being "like" them. I'm just a 'guy,' but I strive constantly to define that for myself without submitting to the hegemony of others. Anyway, 5% of the time I'm Dr. King and the other 95% of the time I'm all Malcolm X-- one of my fantasy alter-egos is a prominent leader in his world's ongoing guerilla war between a gay resistance movement and the ascendant religio-facist regime trying to round us up and kill us.

    All the personality tests I've taken online tell me I'm an INTJ (Introspective, iNtuitive, Thinking and Judging) personality. I've found no reason to dispute those results, as they seem more accurate to me than any of the alternatives. And for what they're worth, all the IQ tests I've taken online have returned pretty generous numbers.

    "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend." (Albert Camus) I am contentedly apopular. That's not "unpopular," it just means that given up expecting other people to understand me, so I don't worry all that much about what they think of me. By the same token, I'll confess right now that I don't 'get' other people.

    In D&D-speak I'm, like, half Chaotic-Good (freedom-loving and benevolent) and half Lawful-Neutral (order-loving and objectively fair). If I were a D&D character in real life I'd probably worship Saint Cuthbert (hence my tattoo and my one-time goal to enter a career in law-enforcement) but I'd likely be run out of the church for observing that there IS an important distinction to be made between justice (which I love) and the law (which I'm ambivalent towards because that's just 'the rules' as written by whoever has the biggest stick). I'm not sure how compatible that attitude will be with me actually becoming a cop in real-life, either :-P I want to be a protector, not a drone. Yet when I used to play Vampire: Masquerade I gravitated to the passionate idealistic Brujah, who could be raging thugs. I also have a thing for doppelgangers in D&D... I can't see anything undesirable about the idea of being a mind-reading shapeshifter. I think I'd prefer it, frankly.

    I love the music of Bear McCreary, Sarah McLachlan, Matthew Good, Alanis Morrissette, Pink, and Bif Naked. My favourite movies are Contact, V for Vendetta, and Latter Days... I'm also a big sci-fi buff. I like to play Halo Reach, Mass Effect (SO psyched for #3), DX:HR, games like those. I'm Imperator Prime on xbox live if anyone wants to play sometime but I often turn off my mic because when I get frustrated I curse like a motherfucker.

    I might have a mild addiction to porn, I'm not sure. I do know I'm an adrenaline junkie and that I get off on intense emotional experiences. Which may or may not be a confession about being kinky. Never your ugly minds.

    It's kinda creepy when people die. The philosophical, "things just are what they are and death is just the other natural side of life" part of me deals with it very stoically and without much sentiment, but when I was alone in the room with my dad when he died and I tried to close his eyes and they wouldn't stay shut, that was kinda creepy. and made me worry that he might not have actually died, and might have been silently panicking inside that I was trying to shut his eyes as if he were dead.

    I used to want to be a high school English teacher. But while I was in university pursuing that something happened to the world. The kids got crazy and schools filled up with metal detectors and cell phones and disrespectful, entitlement-minded, intrusive parents threatening teachers because their deranged spawn got an 'F', and before I had all the letters at the end of my name required to become a teacher I realized that teaching was no longer what I thought it would be (if it ever was) and that I didn't want to put up with what teachers-- over-worked and under-appreciated as they suddenly appeared to me-- have to put up with nowadays. My heart just wasn't in it. But I still wanted to better the society I live in, hence Plan B arose to become a cop. At least cops get bullet-proof vests for when psychotic teenagers shoot at them. But then I saw some quality police work in the coverage of the Toronto G8/G20 summit and it rattled my noble image of the profession-- like, shaken-baby, rattled. I realised acutely that their training would try to 'reprogram' me, to subsume my judgement to theirs, and might ultimately see them try to turn me *against* the people in order to serve the interests of a privileged few who sully democracy when it doesn't serve them, and I didn't want any part of that. I wanted to "serve and protect" the people, not suppress and bully them at the behest of crooked uppity-ups. So now I'm not sure what I should do. I need some kind of real career so I can stop living paycheque to paycheque while accumulating debt and dreading any expensive emergency, and so that I can actually retire someday, but I also want to be able to look myself in a mirror and sleep at night. I want a career where I'm of some good, where I don't have to switch off my principles or my conscience, but I'm not sure how many of those there are or which ones I'm even qualified for.

    Anyhow... I think I've said plenty for now. If you've actually read all of that and don't find me too off-putting, or somehow you want to know anything more, then write me. I'm always open to conversation as long as it's about something I find interesting... and I'm at least a little bit interested in virtually *everything.*


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